Teach me your ways, OH LORD, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I will fear your name.

Psalm 86:11

I will be your God throughout your lifetime until your hair is white in age. I made you, and I will care for you. I willI will be your God throughout your lifetime until your hair carry you along and save you.

Isaiah 46:4




Blessed is the man whose quiver is full.... Psalm 127:5


Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths.


Proverbs 3:5-6




Friday, November 2, 2012

lets just wait

waiting on the world to change, waiting on a woman, while I'm waiting. There are so many songs about waiting. Often about how we aren't really expecting much to change. Today i am writing to tell you that waiting brings peace, despite what we expect.

Confusion isn't completely out of my head, but control is. I am not, nor have i ever been in control. In my head i really did know that, although i probably didn't acknowledge it. Advocate can have many meanings when its about your kid, and sometimes i forget that I'm fighting for something i don't really know exists.

Logan has digestive issues no one can really explain. He was given a label that meant he wasn't growing, not because they knew exactly what was wrong with him. Cognitively he is more advanced than most his age, and when he hangs out with his siblings he can party like the best of them. Hands down can hold his own with no problem. SO with all of those things on his side, they said to wait.

Watching for what seems like nothing can be miserable. A friend reached out last week and smacked me while i was wallowing in my tears. Not literally but said things i needed to hear, whether i wanted to hear them or not. Celebrate. She reminded me that although three different scales were involved and it might just be ounces of gain it was STILL gain. The pediasure that i do nothing but gripe about is supposed to bring gain... maybe the liquid gold was really working?! I have been so busy setting out to get help that i was missing the mighty healer reassuring me that He is working! My soon-to-be-two year old can race my almost four year old on bikes. a tricycle and a bike go roaring down my drive way daily. That isn't something a baby the size of "an average one year old" should be doing.

In one week the nation could change as we know it. In three weeks my last baby turns TWO. In six weeks it will be time for grands to arrive and Christmas to begin.

But today the wait for me ends. Logan has weight, today.

It doesn't matter if he has to be on pediasure until he is ten. Don't worry about tomorrow, celebrate today. It kills me inside to know that i have no idea what is wrong or why or how to make it better. That same feeling brings me a little grin. Know Why? Because i don't have to know. I am not waiting on pins and needles for a miracle.

I KNOW he KNOWS.
 I KNOW that these ounces are a gift to celebrate.
I Know that He knows it drives me crazy, so he gives me little blessings to celebrate.
I know that Logan is my miracle. That the lessons i am learning are much bigger than i imagine them.

Being still isn't my forte, but my, what can be seen in the stillness. This week i have prayed and listened. Originally it was to see what i was supposed to do next, and we will continue to see doctors to watch him with us. But for now we will rest in this weight.

Weight can be precious. The weighting doesn't have to be misery.







"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."  Matthew 6:34

"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

"Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9




Wednesday, October 24, 2012

i have struggled to come to this page. struggled worse to open up the "new post tab". struggled with the emotions that come with posting on the blog every time i seem to do so.

i cant grasp the i don't knows... so sharing them and explaining them are becoming increasingly difficult. The last post i wrote, was awful. Typos out the ying yang, grammar was horribly displayed, and my witness wasn't exactly what it should have been either. AS i type i am listening to music loudly in my headphones because with the quiet house surrounding me i am afraid to be alone with my thoughts.

anger is gone. frustration is no longer appropriate. failure cant be achieved if you aren't actively trying something. I am just devastated.

Three weeks ago on he telephone i requested on the a prescription for the new pediasure and since there had been no answer and no returned phone call, i decided to show up at Dr Rittmeyers office. After a mops leadership meeting and no lunch up to that point, my boys weren't in the best of spirits and part of me gloated about that. See how long they ignore me next time after i bring my melting boys into the packed waiting room bwahahahaha. So after the very shocked receptionist announces my presence they run to help me--not. I waited for thirty minutes in the waiting room before a nurse (hesitant due to the nasty message i left her) emerges, to call us back. She put us in a little room and asks me what brings me in.... "well i cant get anyone on the phone and i need this miracle milk in prescription form and i cant just get that on my own!" assuring me that it will just be a second she runs to get me a sample and the prescription. I stripped Logan down and snuck to the scale. 5 OUNCES LOST. We had been on what i call the "liquid gold" for two weeks and LOST weight! The boys were a hot mess now and i began to cry. I told the nurse that i need to inquire about what, why and how?! i began to literally machine gun her with questions and after the fifth time she left to get an answer i asked her what it took to see the someone she kept asking. I got a full line of BS and then i told her it was fine. The boys and i would just stay in that room until someone had time to see us, we hadn't brought our lunch but i was sure they were okay with us just hanging out, right?! I had a nurse practitioner in my room within seconds. The NP explained that they didn't even have time to eat lunch most days and that i needed to understand that hearing from the LPN within 24 hours was really great. I was nice at first and got the script in my hand for the correct pediasure that i had been using samples for and had already convinced my pharmacist to start calling around looking for. Then... i began to ask her the same questions that i had asked the -probably never going to talk to me again nurse- How are we losing on a supplement? How is this not sticking? you wont let me give him anything else to drink but this stuff, how is he seeming dehydrated? I chart his poop and we still aren't regular with the new mirilax plan, how can that be? -- the tears came again. And my speech slurred and i began to weep. right there on the table as my boys fought in the corner over the two cars i had stashed in my purse. She didn't know what to do with me. She tried to professionally hug me and then said i know you are frustrated but we are going to figure it out. She popped out and came back with pop corn on her breath(she had told me they don't get to eat because they are so busy) and blood work requests plus a new xray order. we checked out and my phone rang. It was four o'clock and my girls were getting off the bus and i was not there. my neighbor and her teenage daughters are wonderful to us. She ushered the girls to her house, gave them a snack, and began homework. Such a blessing. However that just fueled my fire. I had now been there 4 hours, boys were still hungry, i had to be to work at some point and needed to get xrays and blood work done. The silly tears came again. I called Joel and caught him and and told him he was going to have to grab the girls and meet me at the mall so that we could switch hopefully in time for work. I got the xrays done and i know that they are instant. The pictures seriously appear on their inbox display with in seconds of being taken. Knowing that i just left them, i of course and expecting a call shortly after... The NP PROMISED to call me the next morning but i thought she might read it right away. They took blood, blood and more blood. Logie is a champ, he know after they are done he gets a "man" band aid, so he waits and then yells "MAN! MAN! MAN!" she grins and grabs his band aid and he waves and says bye! GO! she always giggles and talks to him about how brave he is :)

The next morning i obsessively watch my phone. NOTHING. The pediasure has to be ordered and so i can pick it up in 24 hours. Very grateful that we have enough contact with her that she ordered it when i left the drs office before i handed her the paper so that it went on that day's order instead of the next day's. At last at 5:30 i get a frantic call from the NP. There is a HUGE pocket of unclear gas that has built up in his abdomen and a definite blockage that needs to be moved. i need to come in the morning after two enemas tonight. Pack a bag and plan to stay a few days. Ready SET GO... i began making arrangement for everyone and setting up bus plans etc. I prayed that we would stay until something was a clear answer. The next morning i shuffled everyone to their destinations and Logan and i drove to midway to trade cars with Joel so he would have to big car just in case, and then we drove to the hospital while i called and covered my shift for later that night. I want to be sure i explain everything that was involved in preparing for this "few day" stay. we arrive and i push the stroller that i have hooked a rolling suitcase to, carry a pillow and special blanket, a back pack with Logan's things and my over night bag with us to the xray station. New xrays before admittance... um OK. so we did xrays then they told us to go back to the Dr. UMMM OK. so i haul all of our plunder up to the Dr and we let them know we are there. The staff once explained xrays as a fast pass... i think i have shared that with you before. This time we waited 45 minutes, and then my cell phone rings.... "Mrs white? can you come to the office? The Dr would like to see you" me: "I'M IN THE WAITING ROOM!" If you could hear me pounding the keys as i typed that sentence you might have laughed.

i walked in Dr Rittmeyers office and there he has a print out of a "normal" intestinal structure, Logan's xray from the day before and the xray from the present day.  The intestines are CLEAR, I can see each perfect ridge God put in his small and large intestines. This is the first time i have been able to see his pelvic bones because there is normally too much poop to decipher anything. The gas pocket had decreased by half. GOD SHOWED UP BIG TIME. it was all gone. Downside? When things are clear at that exact moment--- they send you home and check you off the list for that day. So home we trudged although i knew he hadn't passed any of that and i knew he hadn't released any major gas. I was baffled but glad he wasn't hurting.

Two weeks ago Joel noticed a bulge in Logan's belly after bath time. It was just under his breast bone in between his ribs in the center. He called me at work-- which he NEVER does-- and then called Dr Rittmeyer. The Dr was on call and called back quickly. Rittmeyer decided that Logan didn't need to be seen right that moment but wanted Joel to be there first thing in the am. So since it was a Mops meeting morning and Joel was the one that found it, Daddy decided to take him. They arrived at 7:30 as instructed and there was no note that referenced the previous nights phone call or anything. So wait they did. Once in a room (Weighing 20.9) Rittmeyer says "wow, i sure wish i could have ultra sounded that bubble last night" .... you know the bubble he decided the night before wasn't an emergency. When Joel confronted him about a more active treatment plan, the response was only "well when are you scheduled to come back?... we will just see you then and re-evaluate." Joel left angry and now more than ever full of hope for the new doctor in Jacksonville.

So today the much anticipated Jacksonville Dr's appointment arrived! We got up early and the girls were so organized and quiet as they gathered their things for the bus. They knew what today held and they must have sensed the bucket of emotion i was toting. Off they went and then we headed out too. arriving early is a rarity for me but we were and then they saw us early! No way! This was great! Dr's offices never see you early! Great chat in with the nurse and he explained the process to us and was very welcoming and even gave us some pediasure peptide samples.... then came back with a cup of ice and a chocolate flavored original pediasure for Luke :) totally made Luke's day :) then the Dr came in. first words out of his mouth no lie. " I have carefully reviewed Dr Rittmeyers notes and Logan's chart. To be Honest i wouldn't have done anything differently." Strike one for new doctor.  We went through the whole growth discussions and he says "some kids catch up in adolescence", "its hard to gage kids at this age" we talked about the nutrition plan and i pulled out the notes from my visit... (every time i go to anyone regarding Logan's care i jot things down along the way, weight-height and things i want to remember. every time i got ready to write the Dr would tell me to stop that he would get me a print out. I'M GOING TO WRITE IF I WANT TO OLD MAN!) The conversation continued with the description of Logan being proportionate and yes not on the charts but they have down a pound of weight gain in the last week..... WHOA, WHAT? i just said that i write everything down so i flip thought and at Joel's visit he weighed 20.9, then at my nutrition appt he weight 21, then today they have him at 21.10... as exciting as this could be they are three different scales. and for the kid who hasn't grown in 11 months i need to be versed on how in the world this is possible. HE says it just happened. STRIKE TWO. After nine months this whole growth thing quit happening consistently. What changed? What is different? What do i keep doing? "well lets just continue to monitor and see what happens" STRIKE THREE. We are "monitoring his care" every four weeks here with RIttmeyer and this new guy wants to see us every 8. he recommended one procedure that Rittmeyer hasn't ever done and we will move forward with that and this doctor did a manual exam to be sure there was no current rectal blockage. but then said to track calories--which we are, and continue to be gluten and dairy free, because he is a completely healthy little boy. "Well may have an absorption issue, or maybe delayed growth, but otherwise VERY healthy"

Joel says his diet is not normal, and if this is very healthy then we don't know what healthy is. After talking about it on the way home, we didn't get anything different from this doctor than we got from Rittmeyer here. This doctor seems to be less aggressive and says "he just one of those tough cases to diagnose".  Totally a bust. I had put so much stock in rearranging the game plan today. And Instead we are making an appt with Dr Stone and DR Rittmeyer to regroup. IT felt like that same thing just happening on a different day. At lunch Joel and i struggled to even recall what we gathered from the appointment. We were in awe of how we were able to from the beginning watch our hopes shatter. One more day with no positive steps taken. I put away 12 months jeans because we deemed them too short... but they say he hasn't grown. 18-24 months pants wont stay around his waist and i just bought him a 12 month shirt but he Gained a pound. Nothing is adding up. Nothing makes sense. I'm watching him root on the couch next to me as he toot toot toots. something still isn't right.

By the way Lorelei's Bullous Myrigitis? Yea it turned into a busted ear drum and she is in some decent pain! Joel has strep and tonsillitis and had to post pone his wisdom teeth surgery because his fever was so high... wisdom teeth oh yea, i broke one while eating eggs. Yep eggs. it just how my luck is running these days. Instead of fixing it the dentist thought she would just pry it from my head theat very visit. And then Joel's doctors called back to request a blood test for mono. I am seriously up to my eye balls right now. I'm not going to say that i can't take anymore because then God will show me MORE. I'm juggling as gracefully as i can. i am chanting the 23 psalm in my head.

"The Lord is my Shepard i shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restore my soul.  He leads me in paths of righteousness for His names sake. Even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me..."

it keeps playing in my head over and over. i remember the man that wrote these words once standing in front of a giant with only a few stones. HE KNEW the situation and still pressed on. Only believing that God was bigger. No armour he wore, No sword did he carry. The Joy of the Lord was his strength.

 I'm putting a lot of scripture into a pile in those statements, but its flowing that way for me right now. Peace may not come to me right away, but Joy will come in the morning. And will return the following morning. I have to reach out and take it. I have to crave it. My hole has to be full of dirt and i have to refuse to climb back in. Joy in every moment has to be my strength. I'm not sure at this point I'm learning something on a level i grasp. I'm not sure i could ever fully understand the Joy of the Lord. I know that i cant understand his patience or his command not to worry because he never sleeps of slumbers. Hes in control. i hear it echoing as he complies scriptures to say what i need to hear in my head, but i am struggling to listen. I'm struggling to put it all in print so i have to admit that i hear it. I am struggling to admit right now that i cant fix this. I cant go to the ends of the earth to find out the WHYS? if He isn't ready for me to know yet.

Dear God, You know my heart. I am broken. I am weary. I stand with arms open wide, ready and waiting. IF its the right stone to be chosen make everything around the fleece dry and make the fleece wet. If it is a different sling to be chosen then make the fleece wet and everything around it be wet. Make the walls fall from the inside out, so that all will see it was You and only you.  I need to see you in big ways. Thank you for this sweet child that was such a surprise to us and thank you for how you are using him to teach us. Please give me the peace to handle caring for him gracefully and please give him comfort. In your most precious name we pray, Amen

 riding his tricycle today
 we have added peanut butter to everything! HE LOVES IT!
 Its how we roll,  you know :)
 first xray with large gas bubble and obvious impaction
the top right part of the chest is where the gas pocket was/is you can see noticable reduction, and see those bones :) plus every divit in his intestines? this was cool to see for me... i hadnt ever been able to see them before  :)

Friday, September 14, 2012

Failure

i have been intending to write about the last three weeks events for about... well three weeks. Truth? I have so many emotions about everything right now i wasn't sure how i would say it all, or what it would leave with you after you read it. So right now, i am saying up front, i am raw. No flowery words or long thought out presentations. Just me.

Yesterday I posted a quote from Hitler on FB. Not because i am a fan of Hitler--I come from a long line of Germans and my grandfather would be disappointed to say the least-- but because the quote stuck out to me. 

"Anyone can handle victory. Only the mighty can handle defeat" -- Adolf Hitler

As i type this, and the reason that today is any different that the days that passed the calendar for the three weeks prior to my typing this, I feel defeated. 24 hours ago i was claiming that i had Almighty power in my midst and this was just going to be a recollection for me. This wasn't lasting...IT couldn't really be lasting...

Rewinding to the Wednesday that we decided to do the hospital admittance for Logan. August 15th. It was my sisters birthday. *side note: Lexi was born on Joel's grandfathers birthday, Lorelei was born on Joel's dad's birthday, Luke almost drowned on my dad's birthday, and Logan was hospital bound on Katie's birthday. Just so you know i am no vetoing my family's aging. I can't have more babies so it seems just negative is coming of it* Logan, Luke and i sat in the room with the Barbie like PA and went thru the symptoms, yet again. Same symptoms, no weight gain, just another day. As she began to tell me that we would just begin the enema series again and I jumped in and said NO. I cant do that to him again. SO she sends us off to xray.... yep this is when we learned that the clump had now become a mass that was base ball sized.

The PA, Logan, Luke, and i sat down in her office to discuss her New Plan. Dr Rittmeyer happened to be rounding the corner and she called to get him to join us. She explained that i had done every thing that had asked me to do and the mass did nothing but grow. With no haste he said "OK lets admit him." when i gathered my shock from the floor and asked to have a day to make arrangements for my other kids. Then i called all of our parents and cried during each moment of every conversation. Joel took the day off of work- i was super grateful because i wasn't sure with such short notice that was going to work. We wrote notes to teachers and carefully put the girls on the bus, the dropped Luke off with Stacy, and we were off.... to what we weren't quite sure but we were off.

Arrived, checked-in and waited. A nurse came in about thirty minutes later with tubes, tape and extra hands. They wrapped Logan in a big blanket to keep his hands still and then they ran a tube up his nose that continued into his belly. They started the fluid and then we waited. It took a good while to get anything and then we got a "good movement" and we were so excited! Then Nothing... then more nothing. Nana came up to relieve us for a quick lunch then we went back to waiting.

About 4am on Saturday morning, Logan woke up soaked. His linens were wet, his shirt was wet, Joel was wet because he was a little to close when the explosion came. The liquid came without ceasing for about two hours. J and I were expecting actual poop.... this was not what we got. In my mind i continued to compare it to a mountain. You see the beauty of the stream running down but you don't see the slow erosion of the mountain underneath. Well i was praying the erosion was steady even if slow.

We were released about 7pm Saturday night. Exhausted but apparently cleaned out.

we had a follow up appointment on the up coming Thursday where we hoped to discover what was next. At this appointment we decided to change the mirilax routine and to do a "gluten challenge" on the 6th of September.

We changed the mirilax routine and challenged the gluten to prove... that his belly swells full of gas when he eats gluten and he gets cranky and clearly uncomfortable. His bowel schedule is still not what he needs it to be and that is beyond frustrating.

Lorelei needed to see Dr Stone our pediatrician on Wednesday because of what i suspected to be an ear infection... it was an ear infection but a way more painful nasty one. She has Bullous Myringitis, aka a blister on her ear drum.  Although it was a pretty clear diagnosis it gave me a chance to pick Dr. Stones brain about what is going on with Logan. We chatted and looked at Logan's growth curve and He wanted to know what supplements Logan was on to increase his weight.... WHAT??? WE AREN'T ON ANYTHING!!

So on the way home i prayed about how to chose my words for the appointment with Dr. Rittmeyer the next day. I asked for God to give me the right questions and to help me ask them in a way that would not be offensive but get me the answers i need for my kid.

Appointment day comes. still no weight gain. The PA says she probably wouldn't have done the gluten challenge just yet because his body wasn't ready. WHAT?? then she notes that he hasn't gained weight, and we discuss his current movement schedule. which right now is two or three movements one day, then nothing the next day, then one, then three... its inconsistent, and nowhere near where it needs to be. So she suggested enemas again... know what i said?? Yep! No. We are doing a mirilax clean out instead so that we can be sure that the super stretched bowl doesn't fill back up again. Then i ask her about the growth

She goes back to her office and plots his "progress" then comes back and says..." I hate this term but he is 'failure to thrive" Please know that at this point i had totally prepared for this diagnosis. I knew that my son has not grown in 11 months. The label isn't what concerns me at this point in the game... its the solution or lack there of.

We then discussed pediasure and how much and what it was for etc. What i didn't mention about my initial return after the hospital visit is that despite the drain that took place in his little body, there was a 3 ounce weight gain. I asked if it was possible bloat and they promised me that it was gain. That 3 ounce weight gain did not stick. Bloat or not bloat its gone. Dr Rittmeyer projected a ONE POUND weight gain before i returned in three weeks. No WEIGHT GAIN.

We left with growth chart, a poop schedule to track, a script for more mirilax, and a pediasure plan of action.

i spent $50 on pediasure and began giving it to him yesterday afternoon. The diahrea began shortly after. During the last few months that is nothing far from normal, but after another pediasure this morning and the runs continued i did more review... My dairy free child has been drink milk based pediasure. I trusted that the recommendation was what he needed--- i should have read the bottle more carefully.

I have called and spoken to a nurse that has never seen us and knows nothing about our case and "cant access his chart at this moment", then called the on call PA that is not the PA that i have dealt with either... and they decide that i need to for go the pedia sure all together until Monday. I continue with the clean out as discussed and they will leave a note for me to be contacted on MONDAY.  During our conversation we talked about a dairy free version of pediasure and she informed me that it was really expensive. When we began this journey with Logan, Joel's parents told us cost was no deterrent... So i inquired about the cost and asked if i could just pay out of pocket while we fought insurance...."well lets just wait for now, but if he poops again call me and ill get ahold of DR Rittmeyer"..... Do you mean that you called the on call PA that doesn't know us when the Dr was across the street at the hospital doing rounds??!!!!! Absolutely not OK. We are flushing this weekend... every reason why we would need to be in taking more calories.

Dr Rittmeyer sat down and played cars on the floor with Logan when we were doing the hospital clean out. I really liked how kind he was when i cried uncontrollably during the biopsies while my husband was in France. Today however... i feel like i failed my child because i didn't comb through the Dr office instructions. i am angry. I feel very defeated.

Ironically Hitler committed suicide when faced with defeat. Apparently it is only the "mighty" or the Almighty rather that can handle defeat.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6

"come to me when you are weak and weary. Rest snugly in My everlasting arms. I do not despise your weakness, My Child. Actually it draws me closer to you because your weakness stirs up My compassion- My yearning to help. Accept yourself in weariness, knowing how difficult your journey has been. Do not compare yourself with others , who seem to skip along their life paths with ease. Their journeys have been different from yours, and i have gifted them with abundant energy. I have gifted you with fragility, providing opportunities for your spirit to blossom in my presence. Accept this gift as a sacred treasure: delicate yet glowing with brilliant light. Rather than struggling to disguise or deny your weakness, allow Me to bless you richly through it." --Sent to me by a friend Reference unknown.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Im hungry, I promise

As a kid my grand mother used to always remind me not to let my eyes get bigger than my stomach. I had a really bad habit-especially at my mimmy's house- of seeing all of the amazing things prepared for dinner and filling my plate... and filling my plate... and filling my plate.

Claiming to be hungry enough to finish every bite never fooled my family. I am an eater. I LOVE FOOD. However, i would end up eating that plate full for dinner, midnight snack, and possibly lunch the next day. She never threw it out . She never reminded me of my choice to take on too much.

On this day i registered my 5 year old for Kindergarten. Lorelei has been counting down the days until school all summer,and today worked best for me to turn in the paper work since it was just me and Logan. My mom had the rest of the kids so it would be a quick thing... HA! Not. I ll finish up this part of the story at the end, just remember that i had plans for my morning!

This morning was Logan's follow-up GI appointment @ 7:45 am requiring he and I to leave by 6:30 from the Hill. Seriously in the waiting room for an hour and a half. While we sat there and Logan entertained the other guests, lol, i saw so many other kids that were sick. Some of them had severe birth defects, some of them were fine until something spooked them and it took every ounce of that parents physical strength to restrain and resettle them. So many of those parents just watched Logan playing peacefully, and told me how sweet he was and how blessed i was to have him. All the while in the back of my head i was thinking of the numbers i hoped for him to acheive on the scale, or the imaginary x-ray that would come back. My mind was on what we could get done today. The List of great things I was going to have to report back to you. Not on how really great i have it with my little guy. Spoon one of mashed potatoes.

Once in the room, the PA( that i have already told you is trendy, Barbie Like, and bubbly) and i discuss step by step the original treatment plan and the after effects of the plan.

                                                Day one: enema followed by miralax four times a day for two days
                                                Day Three: Enema again followed by miralax once a day everyday                                                  until we went for follow up.

That being said. We had a few days of "chunky poop" and then went back to explosive diarreah. First enema had almost no noticable movement. Then second enema had a few quick poops with in the first hour then back to the diarreah. based on the amount of blockage, it didn't seem like it had been processed thru to me. I was watching his diapers like a crack addict watches the corner! I was at a loss. Confessing to the PA and now Dr Rittmeyer, who had joined us, that i wondered if i was missing something, or was i telling them the wrong symptoms, could I have done the enema wrong, where i had i dropped the ball in figuring this out??? Both of them quickly urged me to stop asking questions until we had pictures. If i HAD missed something it would be clear in a matter of minutes after the xray came back. I agreed that fretting obvoiusly was taking us no where. Add some gravy here.

Logan and i walked to the imaging center, and during registration he stuck out his little arm to get his bracelt before she had even mentioned it. He knew after the jewels were on we walked to the xray waiting area and then he reached up and took the lady's hand, motioning to me with the other because we had business to take care of. So still on the xray table, talking all the time about what he saw around the room. This week his language has really blossomed and has been really fun for us to hear. Chatting while the lights flashed and getting redressed and then the solomn walk back to the dr was upon us. No more speculating. It was time to know what was still in there or if i was just a fruit cake!OOOOO I love green beans~ can i have a spoon full? Grab that scoop with the ham chunk in it!


We claimed our fast pass - its 11 am now- and we walked into the office to meet with Rittmeyer and The PA. Logan grabs his blanket and lays down on the floor. He is spent. They both begin to point and explain the xray and there were hints of good news but not many. Thinks DID move. It is clear that the intestines now have more gas in them than before. Keep in mind that this gas-if passed- causes pain for a good while before it vacates. The rectum is still SWOLLEN. Logan "cramps" all the time now since he is on the Miralax. That is what miralax is for and long term we want his rectum to be able to do this function naturally on its own. The problem now is that, with the amount of blocked stool, the rectum cannot contract properly. There is a noticable difference in the pictures but only because things shifted, not because they "moved". Keep in mind they call "bowel movements" when the toxins completely vacate your body... No eviction notices have been issued in this case. New plan of action.

                                               Day One: enema followed by magnesium citrate every four hours (1.5 ounces each dose)24 hours after first enema administer enema #Two. Followed by         miralax 3/4 cap full four times during that 24 hour period. 24 hours later enema # three, followed by maintanance miralax once or twice a day. After this is complete would should begine to see solid bowel movements with in a week. if this is not the case, we return to dr.

I havent told you yet, but We are losing weight again. So in four weeks assuming this cleanse works, the job now is to determine actually what caused such a blockage to form, whether we maintain the current diet restrictions and how we can help him catch up and turn the loss into gain. I want two thighs and a leg please... extra crispy with that special cajun seasoning!


Finally leaving, i call my mom and ask if i have exhausted her yet or if i can still swing by the school. She says to continue on my plan and so I stop and the school. The school that because it is a little after noon is closed for lunch. SERIOUSLY??!! Head hung in frustration from waking up the sleeping baby and walking to the door to discover a closed sign, i decide to just head home. I get home and remember that after our picnic i shattered the jelly jar in my lunch bag and we dont have enough lunch meat for 7 of us.SOOOO, i make the peanut butter sandwich call... the complaining begins... and then my mom says LETS JUST GO TO MCDONALDS! PEACE! I JUST NEED PEACE FOR A MINUTE! Lol as if the Mcdonalds play place is going to provide this for her i pack up and we head that way. She suggests while she lets the kids burn off their energy i take another stab at the primary school. This time i take Luke, because he has just about worn NANA out today.  Paper work neatly in my envelope and feeling prepared i push lukes stroller in the office and begin to fill out the form that has to be signed in front of a witness. She makes copies, i submit my forms and documents, then she says Lorelei's shots arent up to date. Wait, yes they are... UGH but her shot record doesnt reflect said shots. I made sure to get the E.E.D. form but didnt request a current shot record. So we pick mom and the troops up and drive back into Savannah to obtain this peice of paper. The school closes at 3:30, i arrive in at Dr Stones at 3:20. Thankfully since the majority of the paperwork was there Lorelei is being accounted for. My littlest girl is counted in the Kinder group for next year...  Pie??!! Where? what kind? There is room!


I worked tonight. Joel had dinner with a customer. Mom kept the kids.

Driving to work i had a good cry. Im not sure where it came from or what exactly i was crying about, but it felt good. I realized that althought my plate is Full, and right now i dont feel the slightest bit hungry its ok. I dont have to eat it all.

 I just need to find the hunger.


No one ever said that being a mom was going to be easy. Gut wrenching probably wouldnt be websters definition, but neither is ALONE. If i sit down at the table and eat this meal for the next few weeks, He will never remind me how much i am juggling right now. He will never tell me that i cant finish it by myself. My eyes wont end up being bigger than my stomach because i will begin to CRAVE HIM. The more i devour HIM and the words before me, the smaller and smaller my plateful looks. Even if He is lifting my fork due to my absolute exhaustion, it will all get done. It will all be purposed in His name.

"in spite of all we have done, if we only believe...

who am i that you are mindful of me, that you hear me when i call
is it true that you are thinking of me, how you love me
its amazing!"

(I am a friend of God,lyrics)


"I am finding myself at a loss for words, and the funny thing is, its okay. the last thing i need is too be heard, but to hear what You would say. Word of God speak! Pour down like rain, washing my eyes to see Your majesty. to be still and know that You are in this place. Please let me stay at rest in Your Holiness


im finding myself in the midst of you. Behind the music behind the noise. all that i need is to be with you and in the quiet hear your voice. Word of God speak....

--MercyMe

I have read books about the incredible journies that women have been on while carrying children knowing they are fighting extreme odds. I have met women that have burried children that never beat those odds. I have nothing that extreme to carry. The women that God has made them along their journies however is a woman i can only aspire to be.

I never will be able to watch my kid suffer with out suffering with him. But the woman i will become in the process i hope is indescribable.

in the end i am not the only one that has had to watch my son suffer, knowing the agony, knowing the outcome was most likely not pleasant. He DID. HE WATCHED FOR ME. HE wept as His son suffered. Just like me. He too understands the parents perspective, yet still finds strength to carry me.

all of a sudden my plate doesnt seem so full.

can you see how it has shifted? the "triangle" shaped part closest to his legs is his rectom. can you see that it is darker in todays photo? do you see the gas(any black spots in the abdomen)? he is still pretty full, and his rectom is too swollen and packed to do its "job". Please pray for my little man.

  "if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea', and it will be done"? Matthew 21:21








Thursday, July 5, 2012

A new way of life!

Yesterday at breakfast Logan screamed the entire meal.

I made him a special waffle and a banana. Usually he would love these foods, but the rest of us (6) were having pancakes. Sigh it was horrible, knowing all he wanted was a pancake. I felt like I was getting a grip on it just the night before, now I felt defeated.

I have gotten such amazing response from my Facebook friends and family! Thank you!

Okay I started that post a few days ago and it never got finished. Sorry.I feel like I spend the majority of my time preparing meals. When I'm not in the kitchen I'm probably working to pay for this new crazy expensive diet. I sit here in the drs office -blogging on my phone!loving it-- waiting for answers....

now sitting at home after what seemed to be a very busy few hours. At the top of our day we were putting gluten free pancakes in a zip lock bag and filling a cup with soy milk to take with us to the dr. Logan hadn't slept well last night and well neither had we. So at 6 when we were trying to quietly get ready and he began to scream it was odd. He just laid on the bathroom floor watching us buzz around. It was particularly odd to me because i have noticed a distinct different in him the last few days. He is eager to eat and seems happier and more playful. Those feelings aside, we packed up in two cars and were off. Thankfully mom stayed the night(and walked with Logan quite a bit last night) so she would wake up and care for the other kids while we were away. Joel and I were both on edge. We were snippy, he was focused on what was going on at work while we were at the dr and my stomach was in knots. 7:30 appointments are great because you get right in! although the dr asked me, post procedure, to come in today at 7:30 he failed to notify his office staff- what i learned was that it really doesn't matter because no one else in the world picks 7:30 appointments so there was room for us lol.

we go back and they place in a room then the moment of truth.... He weighed 20.12 pounds!!!! DO you remember what he weighed last week?? 20.2!! very exciting folks!!! So i am just beside myself, while my husband wonders if i have smoked the happy pipe on my way to the dr! WE try to get Logan to eat a few different things that i have packed and he just isn't interested. I'm thinking GGGRRRREEAAAATTT here we go again. just as I'm struggling to keep this little boy entertained in the office this Nurse Practitioner that looked like she was cut out of a magazine walks in, introduces herself and hops on the table.

side note: i had waited 2 months to see my GI doctor and last Monday i saw a P.A. and NOT my dr because they were over booked, so this could have gone either way for this lady. I had half a mind to say "um may we see the dr??"

Turns out-- SHE WAS AWESOME! She had read thru our chart and was familiar with what we were doing/dealing with. We discussed the changes in him that i had noticed, first. I was kinda glad it happened this way because she knew the numbers i did and what we had recently changed in his diet as well. Then the bomb comes. He is NOT positive for Celiac DISEASE. HE has very good indicators, but the DISEASE was not evident. WAIT!! WHAT??

she went on to say that he has places on his esophagus that almost look burnt. The "erosion's" on his tummy appear to be from acid reflux caused by something else. However... they are something we must tackle. The weight gain was probably due to the gluten free diet. Just because he doesn't have to DISEASE doesn't mean his body knows how to process gluten correctly. So for now we remain gluten free. 12 ounces in a week could translate into 2 pounds in a month-- i am seriously barely containing my excitement!!

next step. when we hear negative test results but remain gluten free we are both grappling for the "then what is its". i didn't say i liked last weeks proposed fix, but it was supposed to be just that-- a fix. The nurse practitioner with the Drs blessing suggests we walk over to the place we had the procedures done Friday and get an x-ray done because they have a theory. I am not going to lie and say that i wasn't thinking "do you understand how expensive your theory last week was" but those thoughts were quickly quieted by... you guessed it 12 OUNCES!

So we nodded, took the paper work and headed across the street. Meanwhile Joel suggests that i see this great Dr Rittmeyer because of how quickly he has declared war on Logan's condition! We arrive, register and get the x-ray done. Then i ask the lady if there is something i can take with me to give to the dr since we were headed back there right away. She says "oh, its digital! It was there immediately after i took it!" Wow! this technology stuff is spiffy!

The Nurse Practitioner told us that returning for dr ordered x-rays was like having a Disney world fast pass-- it was! i know several of you are Disney addicts so i thought i would share our Disney like adventure today :) We walked in and the lady behind the little glass door that is normally not friendly poked her head out and said"WHITE? Returning from x-ray? come on back!"

Just then i smell the most horrifying odor... nothing like standing in a drs office trying to listen to explanation with a kid that smells like dog poop. The Dr and Nurse Practitioner both stand eagerly with a few more lab results that have just arrived and the x-rays. 

ALL TEST RESULTS ARE NEGATIVE! PRAISE GOD! still remain diary free until our next visit and gluten free until further notice. Don't change anything in the process of elimination.

The xray however was far from clear. Logan's rectum, small intestine and beyond are FULL. i am going to post a photo and tell you that in the top of the photo are his lungs, that are black. Black in this case signifies air. His intestines, rectum and colon should have all presented as black to my understanding... they are white. meaning (again to my understanding) they are full of poop.




Can you see how distended his belly is? Now my first thought was how can someone who has had diarrhea for 9 months have clogged intestines?! Well this is how. We are not sure to the WHY yet but they were as informative as one can be about the how. If you hold in a bowel movement too long your colon stretches a little bit to make room for more, and then it can happen and happen. Then the more full it gets the less it can contract to push food out. she was making motions with her hands that helped me to grasp and it looked similar to a uterus in labor. Then when the colon isn't pushing things out and it eventually gets to the rectum-which is supposed to always be empty because of the sensations in the rectum- it isn't moving very quickly either. Now things aren't moving because it is too solid to flow properly,AND the exit is blocked! Any one in this position quits wanting to even go because it would be uncomfortable!! now a situation is created that only LIQUID can get around these blockages.... hence creating diarrhea. she explained it like white rapids. water with no rocks moves slowly, water running over jagged rocks moves quickly and can be abrasive! so that explains his "blow outs". When looking at the xray you can see those black funny lines in his tummy--- she guessed those are very probably gas :(  Gas trapped there would be incredibly painful for someone his size with these blockages. So although we don't know why it happened, we fix it now. Tomorrow morning i will begin the "cleansing". One enema tomorrow then mucilax for two days 4 times a day, then another enema on Monday, followed by fiber everyday until my next drs visit in three weeks.


3 weeks from now, we hope that things will be better. Obviously we hope for weight gain( i understand shedding all of this stuff inside will lighten him up temporarily), but then we hope for consistency in bowel texture and for less bloating. WE continue gluten free until further notice in case that did indeed fail to be processed normally causing the blockages to form. The kicker is however that Soy milk increases the risks of these things forming, so we may reintroduce dairy in three weeks. Slowly of course, but Joel will be very pleased. Joel is a huge milk drinker and he is a firm "does your body good" believer. I think he can handle gluten free, but milk free forever would have made Joel really sad for Logan!

"As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him" John 9: 1-3

after a long morning!
a few from the fourth






Friday, June 29, 2012

Simple, Really

7:00 Wednesday morning i drag out of bed, get dressed and mope to the kitchen for breakfast. Decide there is no worth in opening my eyes at this hour much less eating. I scoop logan out of his bed, grab his clothes and the diaper bag and get into the car. Just he and I. When i was pregnant with him i wanted to be sure that i made time for times like these just the two of us-- didn't want him to get lost in the shuffle.

We arrived at the drs office at 8:50, our appointment was at 9, if you know me at all this is HUGE!So we sit and sit in the waiting room. The waiting room happened to be filled with VERY sick kids, that day, i thought i am so grateful we are just here for a consult-- it could be so much worse.

We get into the room, get an accurate weight--ounces less than he wieghed just last week :( i had filled out all of the patient paper work before i arrived(they mailed it to me) so my boy and I just sat on the floor and played with his cars. Really just enjoying our time together.then in walks the dr...

He starts right into the chart asking, asking, asking... then stops and says "I am so sorry! Im Dr Rittmeyer and you are..." I answer with a "deer-in-the-headlights" stare. I had waited for this appointment for a few weeks! I was so excited! Then he came in and i was instantly so over-whelmed! We discussed the symptoms the baby is consistantly presenting and we talk about weight gain or the lack there of and how he is very disappointed i havent seen him sooner. Moving on in our discussion, he begins to almost mumble to himself but directs the comments to me and or logan. Then he says "well after wieghing the pros and cons of scoping him i think we go ahead...is that okay with you?" i say "um okay i just had one personally and they didn't gain any insight from it... can you tell me more?" "I can scope him tomorrow! I feel like i would end up scoping him in the end, so i would rather do it now!" Let me go set that up for you!

The Dr returns explaining that he is concerned about "celiac Disease" and wonders if Logans body has reacted to a point that his "villi" are blunted. Meaning the "villi" located in the small intestine from what i understand are not doing their job i.e. absorbing nutrition. Which can explain the weight issue. I was just in shock. Not that we could possibly be finding a solution-- but that they were going to sedate my child and begin biopsying him--TOMORROW!

FAST FORWARD... Today at 4:30 i wake up paniced that i had over slept, i pray and lay there trying to rest  few more minutes. 5:30 i get out of bed, put on what i realized later was a shirt that i had worn to build a VBS set a few years ago and has appoxy on it and bum flip flops. Everything looks more glorious in the dark! I scoop up my sleeping toddler and put him in the car. i have a sippy cup that he cant drink because he is fasting--GReat job, right-- i guiltfully drive thru mcdonalds to get Diet Coke, hoping to just survive the day. Arriving at the GIDU there are clear signs posted all around reading
                           "Due to respect for patients fasting for procedures   
                             we ask that NO FOOD OR DRINK be brought into
                             this waiting room"

Seriously!!! I dont go ANYWHERE without a coke in my hand! I sleathly sneak it into the waiting room and set it right on the counter while i check in-- smooth right?! Very gratefully no one says a word about my lifeline at the time. Logan and i sit quietly in the waiting area, register, pay the co-pay... then we just sit. I sit quietly praying over him and quoting scripture. Then we get called back.

Two busted blood vessels from yesterday, and a blood draw wound made IV instertion difficult. So after busting two more today they put it in his foot. In general he doesnt mind getting blood drawn or the IV thing-- but the foot option... well he screamed and screamed. It was horrible.

Then we snuggled a few minutes before they decided it was time to go.

As we began to walk along side the gurney it hit me. one step at a time the tears began to fall. Walking into the room with the ultrasound machine on and the bright lights on high, i began to shiver a bit. Dr rittmeyer reassured me telling me it was Simple, really. They all were great about the whole thing. Patiently he said ... I think it is time for Mom to go. I walked out and lost it. Wandered back into the prep room where a nurse helped me gather my things, and i just sobbed. Finding a place in the waiting room where i could just fall into MY Father. I cried out to Him and just asked for him to hold me. Not answers. Not healing . Just to hold me. To lay His mighty hands on my sweet boy and keep him safe. I just wanted it to be over.

Wallowing, texting updates and trying to untanlge my headphones werent complete before i saw Dr Rittmeyer round the corner. It was Over. It was Simple, REALLY! He asked if Logan had consumed any ibuprofen in the last week. When my answer was No and he shook his head. i was a little spooked. We stepped into the recovery room and he began to list the biopsies he completed. Esophogus, small intestine, stomach, (the part of the stomach that processes sugars because that too could be an issue) and errosions. He then explains this to me..

There are two spots in the base of Logans stomach that are "erroded". Typically this is caused by too much ibuprofen or motrin-- but it would to have been given in the last week-which it hasnt. The other cause could be a few things: an allergic reaction to something he has eaten, or the stress of the food resistance has worn on his body to the point an ulcer is forming...well two ulcers are forming. None of this will be clear or definate until the biopsies arrive next week.

Originally we were going to wait to address the celiac thing until the biopsies were back.... today we went gluten free per Drs orders. "No confirmations but almost postitive from what i saw today" Living Dairy free and Gluten free are going to pose a list of new challenges, and are going to require entire family lifestyle changes. But my boy is totally worth it! coming out of the sedation took quite a while for him-- his weight was apparently a problem with dosage because he is soo tiny. So they were never auditably concered(In front of his mother) but when different nurses begin to show up in your recovery room and the Dr returns... you kinda figure it out. After much prodding, tape ripping and toe pulling his eyes opened. Hesitantly he grunted a few times and they filed out of the room, mission accomplished. Shorty thereafter we were released on our new journey.

living gluten free and dairy free with be a huge change for us. WE are a food loving family!

Its simple though, really. God gave me sweet Logan to care for. No mountain too high, no valley too low. No ulcer to hard to diagnose. I(WE) will continue to explore his best plan of action until we discover what is best. I will order new things to keep my pantry(his food needs to be seperate from the other stuff-so seperate the kids can understand it) safe, i will educate my kids on what is safe, label things for the nursey situations so that i am sure he is watched carefully, and so on.

Dont Panic. I am with you. There is no need to fear for i'm your God. Ill give you strength. Ill help you. Ill hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you. Isaiah 41:10

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Phillipians 4:6

it is simple, really.... He loves Logan more than i can fathom. He loved him first. He is in control. He wipes my tears and comforts my soul. He heals all wounds and is creator of all things.... it IS simple. Really.



Thursday, June 21, 2012

Answers??

In November last year we celebrated Logan's first birthday! He was a peanut of a guy, but the sweatshirt i had made for his party was 12 months so i guess i thought he was right on track. The following week was his 1 year "well-baby visit". He weighed 18.8 pounds. Usually at 12 months babies weigh close to the 20 pound mark.

Seeing as he was close-in my mind- i wasn't overly concerned about his weight at that point. Our pediatrician (whom we love, both to death) was careful not to scare me but told me exactly what he would be watching for in our next few visits. Logan's head circumference had grown, his height had advanced on the charts, but even with those numbers growing his weight wasn't advancing. If you are really working the numbers- if a kid grows in height you would assume that just skeletal changes would increase his weight-right? WRONG.

From 9-12 months, Logan began to walk, self feed, and he transitioned from breast milk to a hypoallergenic formula, developed eczema and did not start talking. So with everything else changing, our Dr said we would cautiously watch his weight and see if the changes were to blame for the weight not increasing. If his body was still "growing" the dietary changes and new physical activity had to be to blame, i thought. This is easy.

So we went back monthly to weigh, and we celebrated each ounce. I even turned his car seat around for a bit of a road trip so he could watch a movie! I was so excited to see progress. Then what seemed like bowel issues related to the breast milk-to-formula-to-cows milk transition continued. The further back we looked, we found that it started in the ninth month. He was a biter and so we were primarily pumping at that point but then when the bowel issues showed up,our ped. recommended we switch to a gentler formula. So we did. Diarrhea persisted. So excited to move away from the $35 a can formula, we switched to whole cow's milk. Diarrhea persisted.

At 15 months the eczema was crazy. His legs were blotchy and rough and he would just lay there and let your rub them because they itched him. Still having 5-7 bowel movement a day, ped. wondered if it was Dairy all around.I have a diagnosed lactose intolerance so it made perfect sense to me! Absolutely! So we went dairy free. So for three full months he was dairy free. We substituted almond milk for 2 months, then because the diarrhea continued to rear its ugly head I wondered if maybe there was a nut thing going on too. So i pulled nuts too.

If you have ever read ANYTHING about bulking a kid up they suggest going from 2% milk back to whole milk and adding peanut butter to anything and everything you can. Both of the things i had pulled from Logan's diet.

So as we arrived at the 18month check up i knew what was expected and i knew what we were going to deliver. God and i had many discussions about why my boy wasn't growing. There were many times when i pleaded and steamed and He quietly listened. I spent timejuat spooking myself on google and asking Him why? Thankfully both of the peds in this practice are Christians and related with me when i described these moments to them... they too patiently listened.

This appointment happened to be scheduled with the nurse practitioner----the same nurse practitioner that was working in the PICU when Luke went to the hospital last summer, and who made a special effort to come to our room because we were patients of the practice where she was only part time then. She has finished her schooling and is now full time with their practice, but she was like Gods little wink encouraging me that this too was able to be taken care of. That He WAS taking care of it.

As she and I recounted the months of prior trial and error events we drew up our game plan. In the past few months i too have been struggling with GI related issues and there was a theory of an intestinal parasite for me... so we of course explored that possibility with Logan. His tests were negative, but we ran a round of meds anyway. They are not harmful to anything but the parasite-- and we are desperate. We then discussed visiting the allergist to absolutely rule out or be confident in the food removal decisions we have made. Then to the Pediatric GI doctor to begin the journey of the diarrhea solution. Kids cant gain weight if every calorie they take in exits promptly. Hopefully after conferring with those Doctors and their findings we could move on to a nutritionist to discover a plan that was right for Logan's weight gain.

I would like to insert here that the 18 month appointment was @ 9:15 am and by 4pm that very same day i had heard back from 3 of the referrals. The ped's office had not only contacted them with the info, but the doctors offices had all responded. We began to make appointments and relay appointment times back to the ped's office to schedule follow ups with them as we learned more.

Last week 6-15, we met with Dr Goodman, the allergist. I can't say enough how much i liked him from the beginning. I had both both boys with me and it was very busy in that room to say the least. He was patient with the boys and talked to me like a person - not like i didn't have my medical degree. We briefly talked about why i needed to see him first and what i needed most from him. He sighed, then grinned, and said "so basically you need to just check me off your list before you can move on". Which was really true. Although i was curious about the results; i couldn't meet with GI or Nutrition without knowing what allergies we were up against. This visit ended with 4 viles of blood drawn and my boy not even flinching. He has been a trooper when sometimes i have so much running through my mind i cant see straight.

Today we were scheduled for the "infant panel" allergy skin testing. He was prepped. Pricked. And we waited...

The results were ALL NEGATIVE! The intense soy testing and dairy testing were both negative. Plus all of the pricks with common allergens were negative as well.

With results in hand, Dr Goodman still recommended to withhold dairy products until we meet Dr Rittmeyer next week. Dr Goodman slipped a few times and referred to Dr Rittmeyer by his first name, this made me giggle inside because i felt so much more confident about the Drs God has set in my path. These drs are not only able to work well together but are apparently friends. What better relationship could i have asked for to help me figure out how to care for my baby?

So per drs orders we introduced Soy today. In milk and yogurt forms. We will document any changes, if any, for the next 7 days so we can take them to the GI appointment next week. I also left with my own copies of all the testing that Dr Goodman's office ran, to add to the growth charts Dr Stones office provided, and i feel ready and excited to move on the Dr Rittmeyer's office next week.

WE will return to the allergist in 2 months to regroup with Dr Rittmeyer's recommendations and requests.

I want to pass along some things i learned today. Diary allergy and Dairy intolerance are not the same. Allergies cause immediate reactions--sometimes deadly. Intolerance is a "gut" issue that your body just cant process the dairy products well. Dr Goodman very candidly said "cows milk was designed for cows, not humans" AS simple as that sounds he made perfect sense to me. We homogenize and pasteurise milk to keep it longer, but maybe it is the artificial enzymes we cant process? Would it be easier on Logan's tummy straight from the cow? No, i am not going to run out and buy a cow, but really took a moment to ponder Gods perfect design.

He created us to produce milk for our own young. There are many moms that are unable to do this but we have created an amazing substitute for them. Soy is a bean that God has given us for many years has been grown to turn into many different things! Almonds are even able to made into a "milk". I am not saying that God didn't intend for us to drink cows milk-- but maybe we aren't supposed to mess with the original make up... maybe the way He made it and people consumed it for hundreds of years was what He intended... just my random thoughts.

I will post again after the GI appointment next week and i promise a shorter post since i wont have to give any background info. If you stuck it out long enough to make it this far, Thank you. We are incredibly blessed to have friends, family and followers who pray for us on this journey.

For HE knows the plans He has for us...



Friday, March 16, 2012

My cup is full

We jokingly call Lorelei "henny".

Simply because her aspirations to "mother" her sibling sometimes even end in her harming them-- but she must have her hand in everything they do... Or comment on it... Or yank the hair brush from your hand because you aren't doing it right... Or throw your shoe across the room because it isn't the pair she chose for you to wear.

She is a constant adventure! You never know what mood she will be in or where she like you on any given day until she has given you her instructions for your day. Needless to know the drill sergeant in me and this precious child of mine clash A LOT!

Recently this daughter of mine proclaimed to Joel that when she grows up she wants nothing more than to be a mommy. He asked her again on a night when I was home and she beamed at me with delight and again announced "I want to be a mommy"!!!

Tonight after a miserable sleep study I came home to find every one I bed, joel sleeping- the kids laying in their beds and watching tv. Lorelei had a little Logan sleeping in the crook of her arm and she whispered to me.. "I scooped him up and snuggled him to sleep, I will just hold him tonight while daddy rests". I moved Logan to his bed and kissed them each goodnight. As I ran dishes and started laundry I thanked God for my sweet girl. She has faults and attitude and Lordy does she push my buttons. She also loves with her whole heart. When she carries Logan down my wooden stairs it is to help me and save me steps not to scare me to death.

When Joel stumbled out of our room tonight worried I hadn't made it home he found me amidst a mountain of laundry that needed to be folded. He inquired about my night and asked why I wasn't in bed. My response? I am basking in being a mommy. Folding laundry and dishes isnt the most glorious part of my job but it gives me time to reflect on each of them. I shared the story of how I found Lorelei And logan when I got home and he smiled and said all she wants Is too be a mommy. I said I think she will be a pretty darn good one!

His response... "because she has a good example"

I said what does that mean?

He made some awkward face and said "you are a good mommy, and she wants to be just like you"

Then he stumbled back to bed and has no idea that I am still sitting her basking in that moment. That moment that will carry me for weeks. At this rate i may be folding laundry until I go to work in the morning just never wanting this moment to end :)

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Who?

not much has changed in my house, but our spirits are more calm.

Working for both of us is mind bending. I really enjoy the contact with new faces each day and having adult interaction-- mainly the inner pride i get from being able to balance it all. Joel enjoys what he does but constantly struggles to not bring the stress home and not let his mind be consumed with work.

trying to be sure and meet his needs has become a pressing priority for me. As a new mom--almost all of  us fall into this-- we focus on making sure these precious creatures God had entrusted to us are cared for like He would expect us too. This for me meant ignoring my husband. We ate- but he cooked most of the time. (SN he is an amazing cook, sometimes its better that he cooks lol) Clothes were clean but probably in a laundry basket that he was digging thru the morning before work. He isn't the type to lay things out before and be sure everything is ready for the next day. Very different from me. I pack for a trip two weeks before we are leaving--Packing is in the works as we speak-- but he packs the night before. So it is my job to be a step ahead. Always be sure underwear and socks are neatly in his drawer and that clean jeans are hung in the closet. His shirts get dry cleaned so i don't mess them up, and i will admit i am not always good about picking them up timely!

This has made a huge difference for us. Yes i do have four kids. Yes they are all at an age where the require a good bit of pre-planning on my part-- but they also stay home with him 5 nights out of seven. That alone changed the dynamic so much in my house that it called for major changes. Time together became scarce, so now we do something outside of our house when i am off, even if it is a Tuesday. If we are limited to our activities availability then we watch one hour of tv with the kids, then one hour of tv just us. Baths done, stories read, and kisses given-- but now our foundation should be cemented.

My kids are the most amazing gifts i have ever received. Joel however is the one whom i have committed to spend my life with, a covenant that we committed to in front of The Father who gave me those children. It is first my biblical duty to be his wife and we are to parent together.

Something else we had to learn. I have always been the constant but he was the heavy. Now we have to make absolutely sure that even if i only have time to type a text or send a quick email that we are in touch about everything with the kids. There has to be complete shared parenting so there are no cracks. Lexi didn't bring her library book home last week. They are tested each week on their comprehension of their weekly choice. After i asked her about the book she told me she read it and tested before she brought the book home. Book reading is something she and i do in the afternoons so i am sure it doesn't get lost in the evening shuffle-- I dropped the ball. Joel never knew it was missing because he didn't know to look for it-- i dropped the ball again. Sight words are in a baggie taped to the back door so i grab them and run thru them every morning on the way to school-- but he also goes thru them at night with her, because he knows too. He can only team parent when i am open about my game plans. He says all the time that he can't read my mind, and it is a big part of my job to be sure and tell him exactly what is on it-- in a nice way of course lol.

i am a note leaver-- i think i have mentioned that before but i even leave notes to Lexi now-- like "you are grounded" on her tv! I think she is now old enough to be accountable for some things. But Joel isn't good about distributing the kids energy(which can make a night way more stressful than it needs to be!) , so i leave them notes about what i expect from them. Joel of course has to read these notes but also elaborates on the tasks at hand. Gives him the authority--gives them a constructive way to spend energy-- and keeps the peace in my house.

working has giving us a whole new sense of unity and "team". Joel and i are a team but it is equally important to make sure that the kids are team players as well. if i really live as though it is solely our responsibility to do it all, i am raising children prepared not for the world they live in. Joel grew up getting dinner started and helping around the house-- i think it is important that we find age appropriate ways for our kids to do the same. It is also very fitting i think to take away things that are not cared for properly. period the end. you don't care for it then you don't need it, until you are willing to carry out the proper care.---- if it is on the floor two days in a row, you must not care about it. the trash man would probably take really nice care of it. Of course i don't always throw it away but it gives them a little better perspective.

all of this was just to say thank you to all of you who tell me how kind my kids are and how you don't know how i do it. Truth is i do it just like you do! one day at a time, one hurdle at a time... routine is key, not getting bogged down in what doesn't work and finding something that does. My kids are changing everyday-- so we are all going to need to change and tweak everyday.

That means grounding my marriage and strapping it down so tight that no matter what the changes are we stay intact. That also means teaching my kids that having a sound marriage very much impacts how they grow up. That they are very important to us  but that we want their marriages to strive to be even stronger than ours and that means having some mommy and daddy time!

recently a friend told me that they missed their husband. The husband that still comes home from work each night and shares dinner with her. Ladies we can't let this happen to us! we must continue to guard our marriages from an easy foot hold for Satan. These precious bundles God gives us can become a wonderful blessing to our marriage or we can let them dominate so much of us that we no longer know the men we are across the tables from!

Father i ask that you lift each of us up, and carry us through this season of our lives. Some struggle solo right now because of situations beyond our control. Lord please constantly remind us that we are not alone! That you are here in each moment and that you are always actively placing people in our lives to walk with us thru these times.

God i ask that you would encourage us to make a daily connection with these men you have chosen for us. To daily pray for your guidance in their lives, and to give us strength to support the decisions they make in you.

Thank you father for these amazing blessing you have bestowed on us in our children, I pray for continued and renewing strength each day to raise them as you would have us.

In Your Son's name we pray, AMEN

Monday, February 6, 2012

legacy

Walked into church after a surprise run to Dunkin Donuts with our family, and it felt really good to be all there together. Sometimes lately Joel and the kids go Saturday nights with out me so that we can have some family time on Sunday morning before i go to work. My kids think only Joel can make waffles properly and of course my pancakes never taste like daddy's do :) That is okay for me really. I have been most recently focused on what they will remember. 

Joel and I are juggling quite a bit right now. His job is hectic to say the least and my juggling the jobs I have plus trying-i said trying- to keep up with the household things is a lot. IN recent weeks,starting in December actually, we began having mechanical issues with my suburban. After several frustrating, unable to diagnose or fix, visits we decided to hang it up. WE purchased that car when i was expecting Luke...It carried us across the country many times. WE will all always remember our first bus. But now we are blessed to have a new suburban and very blessed to have Joel's parents that helped us do it all so quickly. It occurred to me that this one one of the silly things that we would all talk about for years. I took a picture of where the sticker people lived on the back on my suburban. We lived life in that car for three great years. The memories and road trips with last a lifetime.

We have also had birthday parties for Logan, Luke, and Lexi in the last few months. Luke actually made out with three between all our travels, but there are video tapes and pictures to document it all. I am a photograph-aholic if that is such a thing, so i am sure there will be many chronicled events to look back on when they are grown....

But will they remember things that aren't photographed?

What will it be?

Will i be proud of what i have left behind? Or even before i am gone, will i be proud of the stories they tell my grand kids? Will i have have to apologize later for the things they remember?

In the end i will not be responsible for how Joel acts, how their teachers act or how they spend their adult lives. But i will always feel obligated to be sure their soil is best for their growth and that means holding those people accountable! Deeper than that i want them to remember the little things i say in the quiet moments. I want them to know that each night when i come home from work i sit in the floor of their room and pray for each of them.

When i speak harshly to Lexi about her behavior not being exceptional, does she hear that exceptional is above the awesome level she has already achieved? Nope. She hears failure.

When i reprimand Lorelei about her meltdowns, does she understand that i know she has "personal space" preferences and I realize her siblings are overwhelming her in those moments? Not at all. She hears loud noise. Internally she is shutting down and diffusing the bomb... So i become part of the problem not part of the solution.

Luke, my 100% momma's boy, is still in the midst of potty training. We have really good days and some not so great--well epic failure days. On the good days he beams with pride! Bad days however sound like this--"i not big boy? You sad at me? your heart bwoken?" Do i really make him carry around his self worth based on making it in time? i know potty training boys is hard and we are making progress, but i must react more positively to the good days. He probably doesn't remember the things i say those days. Dry underwear doesn't matter to him, but since it matters to me-- it carries the weight of the world for him.

Logan is just a ray of sunshine right now. He waves when i say good bye and opens his mouth wide for a kiss. Toddles just as fast as his little feet can when i walk into the door, and these are the things that keep me going. Maybe when he is old enough to remember I will be better at controlling my tongue in these sacred moments with my babies.

In Service yesterday there was a video played that a dad left to his family. It entailed life instruction for his boys, a welcome message for the baby on the way, many loving words to his wife and professions of faith for his children to always know where he stood. If i left a message right now would my life compare to the words i would leave? Would the words for them outweigh the words i say each day?

I must strive each day to be the women God desired for me to be. The women He knows i can be. The women He planned for me to be in these children's lives. The wife I am some days, may I be that Wife all of my days.

"May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, OH LORD" Psalm 19:14



                                                                   Heart Shaped Donuts :)



                                                          Growing up way too fast