You hold the world in Your hands

A few moments ago i emerged from the hottest shower i have ever taken. I kept reaching the knob turning it hotter and hotter hoping soon i would just be numb. That for just one moment it would all stop and i could feel nothing.

Back packs are packed. Lunches prepped. Clothes folded neatly for tomorrow. One last enema delivered. Now i sit watching the clock.

Tuesday morning i received a phone call i have been praying for... "Biopsy is scheduled for Friday morning at 10"  WHA WHA WHA WHA WHA WHA (insert Charlie Brown teacher voice here) I didn't hear anything after that. Truthfully i had to call her a back a few hours later when i could refocus, she graciously repeated the details. Grace is her name ironically. She quietly reminded me there would be not anesthesia and that Joel and i would be there to help them restrain and calm him. No particular eating instructions, just "clean out" protocols.

i emailed 4 people,our parents. didn't post anything on facebook. i shared with a few people Tuesday, but now that it was happening i had to really decide how i felt about it.

I asked God for an appointment. I prayed that i would know how to comfort my tiny boy during the procedure; never had i asked God how I was going to get thru the procedure. Satan and I began to wrestle or as southerners say WRASTLE. Guilt crept in and i began to get weary from just contemplating asking God for personal peace. Admittedly i asked Joel to be there because although I will be as strong as Logan needs me to be, i will weep, and that will be a God allowed emotion. Logan needs to know that tears are also a sign of strength.

Tonight I texted a friend that although i wasn't going to post all of my emotions for all to see, i was succumbing to them. The tears were taking over. Joel is at a business dinner, my house is quiet and it was a perfect time for dear old Satan to take advantage of me.... she immediately asked me if we could talk just for a quick second. As she began to pray i felt the tears become slower and slower. They brought more relief as each one fell.

I got in the shower and began to plead with God. In Genesis Abraham pleads with God about Sodom and Gomorrah. You know when he makes the initial plea to God?? When God comes to him in the form of an unknown visitor. Abraham makes haste to welcome Him and feasts with Him. Only after he serves the guest all night does God reveal Himself. The guest then makes clear His plans to give Abraham a child and Sarah who is secretly eavesdropping, scoffs... God asks Abraham why she has laughed and Sarah denies laughing... God calls her out. RIGHT THEN AND THERE. He not only knew the desires of her heart but he spoke plainly about also hearing her words. Then the Almighty tells Abraham of his plans to destroy these cities. Abraham speaks openly about his heart and begs God to allow him to find 50 righteous men. Just 50. God agrees.

Abraham returns and requests to lower the number... Lets try 45... you know how the story goes from here? If not read Genesis 18&19, there is salt involved! Also Lot (go find out who Lot is!)has a son who "fathers" a tribe the Ruth is from, who marries Boaz who turns out are the great- grands of King DAVID! You know, King David who was in direct lineage of Christ!

That all was to say this. Tonight i am pleading with God. This week has been full of spiritual battles, hospital phone calls and medical jargon. And all of that is okay. He wants me to audibly tell Him I am scared. My relational God desires my pleadings, and enjoys the pouring of my heart at His feet. This actually pleases Him. I am supposed to "cry out" to Him. HE not only knows this is how i feel, but HEARS me and calls me out when I am showing little faith. He gave Sarah a baby in her old age though right? Yes He did, even though she laughed at Him and was in absolute disbelief that it could happen. My bible says God told Sarah "is anything to hard for the Lord?"...

God did save some people from those cities. It wasn't the original projected way, nor was it quick and painless. But there was a purpose for each that survived. Nothing that my precious boy has endured these last few months was peachy, and as a mom i would have laughed if you had told me if was purposed. Watching my child go through this has been harder on me emotionally than i can explain, but as i began to plead through a loud sob i ended here.

Sitting on my bed with my hair dripping wet and sweats that are now sopping wet because i had so much i wanted to type i didn't take the time to dry off all the way. Each step was purposed. All i wanted was to yell at Him, to weep in His arms, and He heard me. Then He poured back into me. I feel more ready for tomorrow than i could have ever prepared myself. I don't know if anyone reading this needs it, I imagine that He knows someone who needs it that will cross paths with it at some point. Tonight that person is me, I needed to type it. It needed to cross my lips out loud. He needed to call me out to be transparent that the strength i will have tomorrow is pure GOD.

My work schedule this week was none, i only work tomorrow after the procedure. The entire week i had nothing to focus on but the tiny glimpses of joy that He scatters through my day. The sweet chubby cheeks of a tiny baby, the giggles of delight from my toddler, imaginative stories from my red head, high fives from my new reader, and letters of acceptance from my gifted oldest... warfare in my head was surrounded by constant reassurance. It was already taken care of. I just had to actually tell Him i wanted Him to Hear me, Ask Him to Hold me, Beg Him to fill me back up.

All He wants is all of me. This child I lay awake praying for has an incredible future. Whatever it is has an impact i cannot fathom. But God Knows and it is carefully designed. Cities that are destroyed or procedures that are uncomfortable all have purpose in the Grand Plan.

i covet your prayers as we take our first set of biopsies tomorrow. There will be no pain relief during the procedure, so the sooner it is complete the better. Joel and i are praying for peace and asking for pain relief only the master physician can provide. Thank you in advance and i assure you i will keep you posted.

"Now that i have been so bold as to speak to the Lord, though I am nothing but dust and ashes..." Genesis 18:27

"Is anything to hard for the Lord?..." Genesis 18:14

"My soul weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word" Psalm 119:28

"May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer." Psalm 19:14

God Math

These last few months have felt like an eternity. Time has dragged in my heart like i cant explain.

If i were to look back over the fall, time appeared to be flying around me while i stood still in agony. Soccer season came and went. The girls are doing so well in athletics it is wonderful. Luke and Logan have both become pro scooter riders, and man, can Logan ride that tricycle! I changed jobs completely and took on a Holiday Sales Lead roll at Bath and Body Works and even changed malls. Joel had two major surgeries and his parents were here for two whole weeks. All the while nothing changed. Weight quit increasing in November, bowels were not regulated and bloatingcoupled long nights returned.

We see a specialist every four weeks for "maintenance". What it is that's working so well that we need to maintain it, i haven't figured out yet... but we go and get new mirilax adjustments and a fresh game plan at minimum.

At December's visit i asked why we hadn't ever followed his digestion from the top down to confirm its functioning was proper. So we did. Luke hung out with a nurse that was into "life savers" aka light sabers and Logan drank his nasty drink so we could make sure there weren't any glitches in the track. The Radiologist hung his head as he said "i know you wanted something from this, but honestly its perfect." I had told him about our journey and to be disappointed that your child is healthy on the scan is a scary place to be. I am learning to be more cautious about the amount of eggs i put in one basket... but i just want to make him better. Admittedly i am reaching at this point. I just want him to wake up and be fixed. My mind has expanded in ways i never imagined. The perfectly designed plumbing of our bodies is just beautiful!..... I just have to find what isn't quite doing its job in Logan's body.

Saying "I" isn't exactly true but soon you will hear how God is giving me guidance through people in my path because I am so lost in the "where to next" phase.

After the Jacksonville visit tunred out to not be the earth shaking appointment i thought it would be, i wept. A careful friend guided me back to words of encouragement instead of defeat. That very same friend happens to be a pediatric nurse. She texted me 3-4 weeks ago with a condition she wanted me to check out. The connections were just to close to ignore. Hirshsprungs Disease.

Another friend from the high school stage in our lives had suggested these very same two words a few months back, but with the being over whelmed with the actual symptom management i hadn't ever asked about it.

This last Saturday Joel called me at work... which he almost never does... and asked me to come home. Logan was screaming in the back ground and he said we have to give him an enema... its been two days.  My sweet, recently turned two, little guy has learned that there is something in his milk and now will just not drink it. The very same milk that is approx $12 a bottle, so we aren't fighting him and putting it in there for him to waste... we instead are trying to introduce other beverages we could hide it in. Complicating it even more, we are only supposed to give him pediasure or water. So finding something that wont break the rules terribly because sugar causes diarreah and apple juice causes gas etc etc etc is hard.

I worked a short shift Sunday and was just going to swing by our small group gathering a few minutes. The topic of our discussion wasn't planned to be about tithing but it kept turning back in that direction and the phrase "God Math" kept coming up. No matter what the paper says some how things just work out. When you give God back what is His, it comes back in ways unexplainable... in ways only explained by God planning... God Math.

Still while i just listened i heard "its mine". And out of no where our leader (relevant to what they were talking about) said, while looking me square in the face, "Gods got this". No one in that room knew that this weekend had been a rough one for little Logan. Joel and the kids had in fact stayed home from small group Sunday. We stood to pray and since i had missed prayer requests, i just shot out that Logie had an appointment the next day and i was going to ask for a new test to be done and to investigate a new scenario. Hirshrpungs Disease.

Across the room a member and pediatric nurse from our group bolted from her chair and said OH NICKIE!!! She darted to the other room and ran back with a piece of note book paper with two words across the top. HIRSHSPUNGS DISEASE. With specific tests to run and and corrective procedures and suggested care tactics all listed below. All hand written because her printer was acting up. Each letter on that page was meant for me to see.

While Joel's parents were here i had shared the condition with them and was just terribly nervous that i was going to get bogged down in the medical jargon and would get blown off because i wasn't asking the right questions. Now, in my hand were the questions to be asked. Written in understandable medical mumbo jumbo :) Hand written just for me. While we prayed i began to weep. Now it began to add up. My job at Gymboree wasn't patient with Logan being sick. So God opened a door literally with in days for the BBW position to take shape. The position also had an end date, from the beginning. A date that carried us thru Christmas and two surgeries and eight extra hands to carry us thru the season. Between September and December, my dad has been here several times, my mom has helped on weekends and Joel's parents stayed two weeks. Any other time of the year i wouldn't have been able to do it. 

November brought a few ounces of weight gain and moderate complications with our regimen but was manageable. December was a roller coaster all on its own account. Joel and i struggled to keep our heads in the game as a team and to keep everything running smoothly. Four kids is no joke and when you add two jobs and extra curriculars plus little sleep it is no picnic.

So as i sat on my bed in the darkness Sunday night i just begged God for peace of mind, a confident tongue and a CALM that could only be explained by knowing what was best for my child. I know where it all came from but i wanted the staff i would confront the next day to know that i had a power behind me that wasn't worth pushing. I needed them to hear me out.

Arrived early at the office. Since i am never ANYWHERE early, i felt like i was on the greatest track i could be on. "He's got this" i kept saying. I signed in almost shaking. Then i sat for thirty minutes. Was moved to a room and sat another thirty minutes. Meanwhile my very lethargic toddler was laying on his blanket on the floor. Very clearly displaying how he felt. It was like I was in God"s holding tank. Long enough to settle. i played games on my phone, reread my paper and then began to listen to the voices outside of my door. DR Rittmeyer and the FNP were outside discussing Logan.

I couldn't make anything specific out and this drove me crazy but they talked FOREVER!!! in reality it couldn't have been that long but i couldn't focus on their words. My mind was blank. I couldn't even create an imaginary conversation in my head. There is was a big. fat. nothing.

The FNP came in and reviewed the weekends upsets and our care measures and i said i would like to move in a different direction... she interrupted and said Dr Rittmeyer and i would like to test for HIRSHSPRUNGS DISEASE. My heart stopped. I wasn't sure if i was going to vomit or laugh and wail. But there is was, everything i wanted to say! She began to ask me questions almost as if she was reading my paper. Now my heart was racing.

None of it added up before now. On paper nothing that was happening was making any sort of sense. Every single detail had to happen to lead them to " different angle". Each obstacle that made me angry because of the discomfort Logan had to endure led me here. Each person that God placed in my path to suggest this specific testing was spaced just perfectly so that it was such a clear indicator of where the answer came from.

God Math

i am waiting for a date and time of the first biopsy and then if unsuccessful-- she warned me pretty heavily that it might be unsuccessful--we do another biopsy in the following days. Alesha the FNP isn't convinced this is the answer but opposed to the trial and error mirilax plan she has in her mind for the next year this sadly sounds better for logie. If the biopsy doesn't reveal HIRSHSPRUNGS maybe there will be something else of note from it. No matter what the results there is still a long path ahead. However it might add up to me, well or not add up. i have to believe no matter what that "he's got this"

God math doesn't equal understanding, but I believe that it equals Peace that surpasses understanding.

⁶ Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; ⁷ and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7