I was cooking two different skillets of grilled cheese, one with margarine, GF bread and rice cheese, and one with two wheat bread with dairy cheese sandwiches... when I walked away to referee an argument and the smoke alarm went off. Then the regular alarm was triggered... then the sirens on the two way rescue system turns on. I enter the code and.... NOTHING.. then children begin to all ask questions about why or how or are we going to catch fire....
I call the alarm company who is of course trying to talk to me over the two way installed in my house but I cant hear them over the sirens and children. The dispatcher has of course called my husband in California to ask him if we need aid... who is now blowing up my phone while I am talking to the dispatcher explaining that I have just burnt a grilled cheese... or by now all three.
Joel couldn't have gone out of town last week when both my parents spent time in town... I couldn't have been making only one pan of grilled cheese... No, those are easy options and Folks that just ain't the path we are on!
I wonder sometimes if I was as sponge like as my kids are now when I was little. Recently I know that I have learned so much I should be "wrung out" by now. Certain in my mind that He has taught me quite enough in this last year; my heart still craves more. Not the heartache but the gut wrenching lessons.
Our speaker at MOPS last week was a women that spoke of losing her husband and how it put things into perspective. She had a great job and had finally found her groove as a new mom, army wife and nurse... and then it all changed. She impressed upon us the importance of knowing your priorities and being sure of where your heart is. As I glace over to the 2 inch, three ringed binder with a vinyl label reading LOGAN in a cute font, I realize that my priorities can sometimes be jaded.
There are nights I read my bible angrily, desperate for GOD to just shout at me! Or tonight when I hand my daughter, that struggles to be responsible, a burned grilled cheese and say "it stinks to pay for other people's accidents, doesn't it?! Kind of how I felt when you spilled orange juice on a library book and I had to pay for it". My heart is raw almost to default. How have I missed this deceit, and how has it taken over my daughter? Well I haven't missed it , but now it is a foot hold that Satan has and will continue to use to get my goose.
When Joel is gone for these short trips it never fails that I refuse to watch tv and unwind, or listen to music to calm my soul... I plow... laundry, dishes, whatever is in my path. It must be done. I bark all the way through. There is a reason God didn't send us through with our commissioning.. I would have been the animal that ate my young. In my mind I'm getting the house ready for Joel to come back, but probably just hiding the fear of weakness or failure.
My last visit with Dr. Rittmeyers office I saw a nurse practitioner that I had never seen. The same one that told me over the phone that Hirshsprungs wasn't our answer... the same one that told me we were headed back to the drawing board. She isn't any more pleasant in person. We spun In circles for 45 minutes, after I waited two hours in the waiting room and Luke had peed on the floor because the restrooms were closed to "non-patients". The test results we were there to collect were not in my chart and when I asked for the new formula that want us to try that is apparently "not medically necessary", I was told "I'm not cleaning out my closet". All in all the appointment was horrible. After our discussion, which I will not share, because I will get angry all over again was over I left. In pure shell shock. Speechless.
If you read often , you know words are one of my gifts. Honestly there were no words to define the conglomeration of emotions. Angry, defeated, awestruck... those are a few... but I just sat in the car. Finally mustering up the courage to call Joel, it rang, and I unloaded. Words were flying like bullets and he asked me several times to slow down. Then he very calmly said, "Ill call you back". Click. he hung up, with me on the edge of my seat.
After calling and leaving a message, a nurse calling him back the following day and Joel' specific request to speak to the dr, the NP called him the next day. They too, had a colorful conversation and she reiterated all of the things she told me. "He's fine, just little", "You give him too much mirilax and that is why he has the runs", "I don't see why you have removed these things from his diet when he isn't allergic". The decisions we made per medical guidance from her colleagues, she was now calling nonsense. She doesn't want to see us for two months. Period.
With still no word from their office or a doctor, I called my Pediatrician in Houston and made an appointment with my Pediatrician here as well. I saw the NP that had originally noted the growth deficiency and we went back over the original check list of things we wanted to investigate.
- Allergist-Check
- Gastroenterologist-Check
- Cardiologist-
- Endocrinologist-
Two stops we haven't conquered yet. I have been so bogged down with the negative effects of my gastro journey with Logan that I haven't completely explored the other options. Both of those appointments are in the scheduling stages. We have a follow up appointment with Gastro too, when I will sit in the waiting room and demand to see a dr because I have more questions.
The NP at my ped's office called me after hours to assure me that the Gastro people have indeed run almost every test under their scope and there are no obvious issues. So we indeed are fighting an uphill battle and I must just keep my sword sharp.
My Sword. My priority? Have you ever done a sword drill? During Wednesday night services as a kid we did, every week. I knew the song. I could go right to a book before most around me. IT was part of me. IS it still that way? No, it isn't. That big Green 2 inch binder with Logan written in a cute font, seems to consume me some days.
Google-ing specialist across the country can occupy hours of my time. When my pediatrician from Houston called me back, she said that there are "variances in gastro care" there. She said that Texas Children's has amazing specialist but they weren't known for gastro care. If that was my choice she would be my partner and help make my connections, but personally didn't feel like that was right for my family.
I burned grilled cheese because I was trying to cook two different sandwiches, in two different pans and the same time. I cant solve all the worlds issues all at once. I can attempt to fix the deceit in my daughters heart and I can hope to make my littlest son as comfortable as I know how, but the truth is I cant fight these battles with a dull sword.
David used but a stone to conquer a giant, and one human mistake cost him Gods blessing and brought sorrow on his family. What was the difference? The giant wasn't his to fight. When David forgot only the stone was his and The giant was conquered by God, it set the stage for his kingdom to begin crumbling.
I too must remember who conquers the giants. My priorities must be sharpening my sword, so when HE shouts at me in my angry moments I can hear Him. That green binder is important for Logan's care, but it wont heal him or bring him comfort. It may be my stone but it can only be used by Him.
Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Ephesians 6:17
For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Hebrews 4:12
