My sister shared beautiful, eloquently spelled out emotions tonight. Raw, candid, and carefully arranged feelings about what once was. Moments that are now memories.
In the midst of a season that is proving to be one of the hardest I have ever lived; I need to beg you to cherish each moment.
I remember my mother's voice shaking on the other end of the line as I sat on the cold, wooden floor unable to move. The pounding feet seemingly synced with my racing heart as I ran down the hall, still echo in my head. Questions I asked, haunt me as being so stupid and unnecessary. My grandmother, who was slowly slipping away from me, stood so confused as I packed my black suit and tried desperately to pack what I thought I might need. An event I had never attended in my life loomed in front of me. "I need to go now, dad". He took my keys and told me I was in no way driving myself to be with my sister. "We aren't losing you today too."
The three hour ride that normally contained music cranked too loud and excitement for the upcoming weekend, seemed to take days.
I am bigger than my sister. I am taller. I am stronger.
My job was to be the strong one. I drove for the next 7 days. I held her hand as my mom walked her through the paper work. I caught her as her knees buckled during 21 of the loudest shots I have ever heard. I wasn't the strong one at all that week.
As she wept, I packed all my emotions into a box and refused to feel. Feelings weren't what she needed from me. She would wake up screaming and I would hold her as she fell back asleep. Popping up in the middle of the night as the safe combination came back to memory, and then screaming out in anger as she couldn't get it to line up. As I would lay there next to her and try to imagine what life would be like; I was so scared for her.
She is the strongest woman I know. In the last 15 years, we have weathered nothing as daunting as death but have been on the edge of our seats clinging to each others hands. Watching Paige graduate. Signing my divorce papers. Burying three grandparents. Swallowing some diagnoses that I just sat numbly and heard as Kate said "you aren't ok. But call me when you are ready". When I tried to zip my wedding dress and it took Katie and my cousin Stephanie, we laughed and laughed. When I got a job offer, Katie ran the numbers with me but also weighed out the emotional wreckage.
There is an amazing story behind Katie meeting her husband now, Pete. I will leave it to her to tell you, just not today. I gave a fantastic speech at her wedding if I do say so myself and still have my notes tucked into my drawer. We texted for hours last night over the way to design the centerpiece of my new table.
"daddy, go bye bye" is the most gut wrenching phase you can hear a two year old say. A screen door between a toddler and a red truck driving away is pain like no pain you can imagine. Those next six weeks, I saw my sister rise and conquer a whole new way of life. She is incredible. She is strong, She is not always my favorite person because she reads me like a book.
Cherish every moment. Painful moments. Joyful moments. Learning moments. The moments you believe you are at your worst, could be the moments someone sees your strengths. Moments you chalk up to failure could be the most impressive moments to a crowd you never saw. Moments can change out lives. Live your moments with purpose. Love in each moment with all that you are.
Don't tell her I like her please, at least, not today.
Friday, February 23, 2018
Sunday, January 7, 2018
Littles to Middles and In Between
I just finished an article centered around the age transition of adorable toddlers to middles. Well I am here, and its weird and it smells funny!
One minute I am getting a text strand that compiles a grocery list including the ingredients for the meal plan this week. Fast forward to my arrival from work, where there is nail polish on the coffee table. A bowl of ramon next to MY bathtub, where my bath bomb jar was raided for a great bubble bath.
* I need to insert here that my TEAM of sitters is amazing. Primarily because there are 5 kids. Five kids to feed. Five kids to over see home work. Five kids to keep from killing each other. If you don't get the picture here, message me for my address and I will give you a free lesson for understanding!*
During the text conversation with my child on the babysitter's phone; I parked at the middle school to pick up another child of mine. My van sits parked next to suburbans, small cars, and in perfect view of the large yellow school bus spilling sweaty boys. Yet I wait. And wait. And wait. Boys dragging duffle bags and sleeping bags pile into parent's cars as I wait. Unbuckling my seat belt, I climb out and head into the weather that has seemingly dropped 25 degrees since I left work. (exaggerating a little here, ok) There he stands. Several boys in full camo standing there exchanging stories of their journey. Can I be mad? I exchange a few pleasantries with the coaches and ask the questions I know wont get answered by the boy and then as the icicles form on my nose, call him to head home. "OH I DIDNT EVEN KNOW YOU WERE HERE!" Literally 6 feet from him, and he never knew I was there. Never have I heard a young man gush about a trip more than tonight. "I broke a kids elbow!" "There was no way he was really in my weight class" on and on until we got home. Then the face. The stone-cold-too-cool-to-talk face. The others asked questions and got grunts and shrugs. Yep, the teenage boy has returned.
He disappeared. Reappeared to eat, and then gone again. It was then that I discovered the nail polish.
The girls asked to play one round of go fish before bed and I invited the little boys to join us. "Mom, can Logan and I just finish this show instead" Sure dude! 15 minutes before bed!
So we play our game. Lorelei insists we are all cheating and watching her cards. Lex continues to ask for cards she doesn't even have just because it upsets Lorelei and I am just wishing the game would end. Rounding the corner on the last fishing request, Luke's eyes fill with tears. "Am I too late?", he asks. Lukie, it is time for bed my friend. "But mom I didn't get to play!" Dealing with a minor moment of melting, I usher him to the kitchen for his night meds and they head towards their beds. Chris has only been out of town two days, but they all have a make shift bed made of blankets on my floor and rock-paper-scissors for the coveted empty spot in my bed.
Can we call poppy before bed?
Just one drink of Lemonade?
I should pee one more time!
My legs itch can I have my lotion?
NO! Its bed time! We have school tomorrow! Groans and arguments begin to fly out from over dramatic and tired children. Then like a shark attack I remind them that if we cant sleep well in moms room we have to go back upstairs... it quickly falls silent. I grab my book and head to the TV room for a few minutes of winding down.
Laughter begins to carry through my house.... those aren't very sleepy noises I hear, I say as I make my way to the bedroom. Nothing was heard from the mothers mouth as Lorelei whipped her brother in the face with pajama pants and Logan laughed the deepest belly laugh and Lex lay there in panic. Panic? From the angle I approached she saw me first. Then Lorelei caught her sister in the corner of her eyes and froze like Elsa.
Is it bad that these are some of my favorite moments? I wish I could capture their faces. I wish so badly these are the faces that would scroll on a graduation video!
The boys now both pretended to be the most sound of sleepers. As I gave my stern mom speech and reminded Alexis of her nail polish and ramon in my bathroom; Lorelei cries. Cries because she is mad I am making them sleep. Cries because it isn't fair that they have to go back to school tomorrow. Cries because I should quit my job and homeschool them.
I promise I am not making anything up! This is really my life. Did I tell you the 6 foot, 14 year old wandered down and hugged me good night? Then was gone again!
Two of the five have attention disorders. Two of the five have coping needs that are lined out in formal diagnosis. One of them believes she is smarter than her momma, and probably is, but doesn't cover her tracks well. One of them is just really good at playing my heart strings.
They all not fight to take a shower. They all smell funny. None of them wash their hair well. They cant seem to all wear deodorant on the same day, and wear more body spray instead.
This is life. This is littles to middles and in between.
One minute I am getting a text strand that compiles a grocery list including the ingredients for the meal plan this week. Fast forward to my arrival from work, where there is nail polish on the coffee table. A bowl of ramon next to MY bathtub, where my bath bomb jar was raided for a great bubble bath.
* I need to insert here that my TEAM of sitters is amazing. Primarily because there are 5 kids. Five kids to feed. Five kids to over see home work. Five kids to keep from killing each other. If you don't get the picture here, message me for my address and I will give you a free lesson for understanding!*
During the text conversation with my child on the babysitter's phone; I parked at the middle school to pick up another child of mine. My van sits parked next to suburbans, small cars, and in perfect view of the large yellow school bus spilling sweaty boys. Yet I wait. And wait. And wait. Boys dragging duffle bags and sleeping bags pile into parent's cars as I wait. Unbuckling my seat belt, I climb out and head into the weather that has seemingly dropped 25 degrees since I left work. (exaggerating a little here, ok) There he stands. Several boys in full camo standing there exchanging stories of their journey. Can I be mad? I exchange a few pleasantries with the coaches and ask the questions I know wont get answered by the boy and then as the icicles form on my nose, call him to head home. "OH I DIDNT EVEN KNOW YOU WERE HERE!" Literally 6 feet from him, and he never knew I was there. Never have I heard a young man gush about a trip more than tonight. "I broke a kids elbow!" "There was no way he was really in my weight class" on and on until we got home. Then the face. The stone-cold-too-cool-to-talk face. The others asked questions and got grunts and shrugs. Yep, the teenage boy has returned.
He disappeared. Reappeared to eat, and then gone again. It was then that I discovered the nail polish.
The girls asked to play one round of go fish before bed and I invited the little boys to join us. "Mom, can Logan and I just finish this show instead" Sure dude! 15 minutes before bed!
So we play our game. Lorelei insists we are all cheating and watching her cards. Lex continues to ask for cards she doesn't even have just because it upsets Lorelei and I am just wishing the game would end. Rounding the corner on the last fishing request, Luke's eyes fill with tears. "Am I too late?", he asks. Lukie, it is time for bed my friend. "But mom I didn't get to play!" Dealing with a minor moment of melting, I usher him to the kitchen for his night meds and they head towards their beds. Chris has only been out of town two days, but they all have a make shift bed made of blankets on my floor and rock-paper-scissors for the coveted empty spot in my bed.
Can we call poppy before bed?
Just one drink of Lemonade?
I should pee one more time!
My legs itch can I have my lotion?
NO! Its bed time! We have school tomorrow! Groans and arguments begin to fly out from over dramatic and tired children. Then like a shark attack I remind them that if we cant sleep well in moms room we have to go back upstairs... it quickly falls silent. I grab my book and head to the TV room for a few minutes of winding down.
Laughter begins to carry through my house.... those aren't very sleepy noises I hear, I say as I make my way to the bedroom. Nothing was heard from the mothers mouth as Lorelei whipped her brother in the face with pajama pants and Logan laughed the deepest belly laugh and Lex lay there in panic. Panic? From the angle I approached she saw me first. Then Lorelei caught her sister in the corner of her eyes and froze like Elsa.
Is it bad that these are some of my favorite moments? I wish I could capture their faces. I wish so badly these are the faces that would scroll on a graduation video!
The boys now both pretended to be the most sound of sleepers. As I gave my stern mom speech and reminded Alexis of her nail polish and ramon in my bathroom; Lorelei cries. Cries because she is mad I am making them sleep. Cries because it isn't fair that they have to go back to school tomorrow. Cries because I should quit my job and homeschool them.
I promise I am not making anything up! This is really my life. Did I tell you the 6 foot, 14 year old wandered down and hugged me good night? Then was gone again!
Two of the five have attention disorders. Two of the five have coping needs that are lined out in formal diagnosis. One of them believes she is smarter than her momma, and probably is, but doesn't cover her tracks well. One of them is just really good at playing my heart strings.
They all not fight to take a shower. They all smell funny. None of them wash their hair well. They cant seem to all wear deodorant on the same day, and wear more body spray instead.
This is life. This is littles to middles and in between.
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