Just One Day

Green lanterns, wait are they changing colors?
His Guitar is so sparkly
That kid typically has bomb shoes on, what is he wearing today?


Refocus. Church. Pull your mind together. I am here. SOAK IT IN.

It has been a week. Everything, and everyone is all over the place. One day last week,  I was complaining about how I look like my stuff is not gathered, and I live in my car. Nothing wrong with living in a car, but apparently my kids feel like driving with curlers in is the end of the world. As I professed my scattered feelings, my curly headed child said "you know as moms go you really have it all together. We are always where we need to be and somehow you make it there to watch". How many times do you hear nasty things from your teens? Specifically this weekend one of my kids shouted words that dug so deep into my soul; I felt numb.

Two Mondays in a row, I got a call that I was late to get the boys from clubs. -----disclaimer: THIS BRIDGE CLOSED IS KILLING ME---- This week Luke said "mom, its clubs today, Remember us!"  There is a reminder set in my phone but I just keep rolling behind. Not this week! The light in their eyes when I had slipped out of work perfectly on time and wasn't late was a snapshot in my mind that was redemptive after a heated Sunday.  This week has been harder for Luke and we had to face consequences and serve some time with the principal. All part of learning for a busy boy, but disheartening for this mama. We talked and he just cried. He felt like he had let me down, and although he did; I tried so hard to be clear about why he was in trouble and try to hear what was going on in his head.

Basketball season is over and track season has begun. After what played out to be an interesting season of learning on many fronts I am so grateful the transition to track has been so easy.... can I just say here how expensive it is to play High School sports?! Seemingly a hoodie with a team on it can be fulfilling in ways I may not understand but a hoodie we did buy. Pulling up and looking for her and hearing her call my name and run towards me jiggled little emotions that are indescribable. First time high jumper kept shaking her head that it was impossible. We giggled after trying to understand our hand signals. Then she false started. The noise of her bottom hitting that big mat after she made a beginners luck clearance was an infusion of belief that this girl is finding her place. Again redemptive after a heated and hurtful Sunday.

Emails from teachers are never my favorite. It is rare to get one that is excited about an accomplishment and this email wasn't celebratory by any means. However, I made an effort to contact a teacher about the grades I see in the grade book and get an email saying things are not completed to the best of abilities but some of the grades just haven't been entered.... Hearing from Calebs support teachers about an email they received from another support teacher in the very class I  made efforts to reach out too, is frustrating. He has an F. He has earned this F by lack of effort. When a teenager says I am trying but its not going well, we reach out. Teachers have hundreds of kids and mine are not more deserving than others and have to work. I did high school once, and there are days when I am pretty sure I should get to walk across that stage with Caleb. Climbing into my car, reaching for his chickfila post lunch, he said "I did nothing in there".  One hour of mandated tutoring and he was told to do mini quizzes to prepare for an upcoming test. HE was frustrated. Nothing to pull up his grade. "Can we please go home and do Valentines day tonight?" Yes, Bub. When he moved here he thought my silly celebration of holidays was weird. Today he asked for what he knew would happen. He asked me for something consistent. Redemptive, maybe.

As "I don't trust you" darted across the room and rocked the belief that I had it all together, there were no words. Not a well gathered thought came to my mind. It didn't feel humbling. Words have always been my escape. Sunday they were my demise.

"Chains fall
Fear bow
Here, now
Jesus, you change everything
Lives healed
Hope found
Here, now
Jesus, you change everything"

"Let every burning heart be Holy Ground"

Timeliness brought me a huge smile. Sounds of air escaping a large foam block delivered a sense of triumph. Requesting a small deposit of consistency was defining. 

Its as if I will carry these words on a neon piece of paper for the rest of my days. The best part? My kids, even the one who angrily spouted that phrase, will tear that card into tiny pieces each day. Redeeming my worth whether they ever know it of not. 

This gig is no joke. What I know is, the little (or not so little) people that were given to me for this short life are the greatest blessings I will ever enjoy. Long before I knew what being a mom was, I knew someone loved me more. Longer still before that, HE knew I would need these people to live this life. Daily I am reminded that chains will fall and fear will bow, because Jesus changes everything. In the moments when I am not quite sure how it will work, It falls into place. 

Keep mommin. Know that those shirts that say "I run on caffeine and Jesus" are not lying. Its ok to feel like you are failing, Its also ok to give your self credit for days when you kick butt. Tomorrow is a new day, and although today will hang out in your mind.... you are redeemed friend, and far from alone.