A new way of life!

Yesterday at breakfast Logan screamed the entire meal.

I made him a special waffle and a banana. Usually he would love these foods, but the rest of us (6) were having pancakes. Sigh it was horrible, knowing all he wanted was a pancake. I felt like I was getting a grip on it just the night before, now I felt defeated.

I have gotten such amazing response from my Facebook friends and family! Thank you!

Okay I started that post a few days ago and it never got finished. Sorry.I feel like I spend the majority of my time preparing meals. When I'm not in the kitchen I'm probably working to pay for this new crazy expensive diet. I sit here in the drs office -blogging on my phone!loving it-- waiting for answers....

now sitting at home after what seemed to be a very busy few hours. At the top of our day we were putting gluten free pancakes in a zip lock bag and filling a cup with soy milk to take with us to the dr. Logan hadn't slept well last night and well neither had we. So at 6 when we were trying to quietly get ready and he began to scream it was odd. He just laid on the bathroom floor watching us buzz around. It was particularly odd to me because i have noticed a distinct different in him the last few days. He is eager to eat and seems happier and more playful. Those feelings aside, we packed up in two cars and were off. Thankfully mom stayed the night(and walked with Logan quite a bit last night) so she would wake up and care for the other kids while we were away. Joel and I were both on edge. We were snippy, he was focused on what was going on at work while we were at the dr and my stomach was in knots. 7:30 appointments are great because you get right in! although the dr asked me, post procedure, to come in today at 7:30 he failed to notify his office staff- what i learned was that it really doesn't matter because no one else in the world picks 7:30 appointments so there was room for us lol.

we go back and they place in a room then the moment of truth.... He weighed 20.12 pounds!!!! DO you remember what he weighed last week?? 20.2!! very exciting folks!!! So i am just beside myself, while my husband wonders if i have smoked the happy pipe on my way to the dr! WE try to get Logan to eat a few different things that i have packed and he just isn't interested. I'm thinking GGGRRRREEAAAATTT here we go again. just as I'm struggling to keep this little boy entertained in the office this Nurse Practitioner that looked like she was cut out of a magazine walks in, introduces herself and hops on the table.

side note: i had waited 2 months to see my GI doctor and last Monday i saw a P.A. and NOT my dr because they were over booked, so this could have gone either way for this lady. I had half a mind to say "um may we see the dr??"

Turns out-- SHE WAS AWESOME! She had read thru our chart and was familiar with what we were doing/dealing with. We discussed the changes in him that i had noticed, first. I was kinda glad it happened this way because she knew the numbers i did and what we had recently changed in his diet as well. Then the bomb comes. He is NOT positive for Celiac DISEASE. HE has very good indicators, but the DISEASE was not evident. WAIT!! WHAT??

she went on to say that he has places on his esophagus that almost look burnt. The "erosion's" on his tummy appear to be from acid reflux caused by something else. However... they are something we must tackle. The weight gain was probably due to the gluten free diet. Just because he doesn't have to DISEASE doesn't mean his body knows how to process gluten correctly. So for now we remain gluten free. 12 ounces in a week could translate into 2 pounds in a month-- i am seriously barely containing my excitement!!

next step. when we hear negative test results but remain gluten free we are both grappling for the "then what is its". i didn't say i liked last weeks proposed fix, but it was supposed to be just that-- a fix. The nurse practitioner with the Drs blessing suggests we walk over to the place we had the procedures done Friday and get an x-ray done because they have a theory. I am not going to lie and say that i wasn't thinking "do you understand how expensive your theory last week was" but those thoughts were quickly quieted by... you guessed it 12 OUNCES!

So we nodded, took the paper work and headed across the street. Meanwhile Joel suggests that i see this great Dr Rittmeyer because of how quickly he has declared war on Logan's condition! We arrive, register and get the x-ray done. Then i ask the lady if there is something i can take with me to give to the dr since we were headed back there right away. She says "oh, its digital! It was there immediately after i took it!" Wow! this technology stuff is spiffy!

The Nurse Practitioner told us that returning for dr ordered x-rays was like having a Disney world fast pass-- it was! i know several of you are Disney addicts so i thought i would share our Disney like adventure today :) We walked in and the lady behind the little glass door that is normally not friendly poked her head out and said"WHITE? Returning from x-ray? come on back!"

Just then i smell the most horrifying odor... nothing like standing in a drs office trying to listen to explanation with a kid that smells like dog poop. The Dr and Nurse Practitioner both stand eagerly with a few more lab results that have just arrived and the x-rays. 

ALL TEST RESULTS ARE NEGATIVE! PRAISE GOD! still remain diary free until our next visit and gluten free until further notice. Don't change anything in the process of elimination.

The xray however was far from clear. Logan's rectum, small intestine and beyond are FULL. i am going to post a photo and tell you that in the top of the photo are his lungs, that are black. Black in this case signifies air. His intestines, rectum and colon should have all presented as black to my understanding... they are white. meaning (again to my understanding) they are full of poop.

Can you see how distended his belly is? Now my first thought was how can someone who has had diarrhea for 9 months have clogged intestines?! Well this is how. We are not sure to the WHY yet but they were as informative as one can be about the how. If you hold in a bowel movement too long your colon stretches a little bit to make room for more, and then it can happen and happen. Then the more full it gets the less it can contract to push food out. she was making motions with her hands that helped me to grasp and it looked similar to a uterus in labor. Then when the colon isn't pushing things out and it eventually gets to the rectum-which is supposed to always be empty because of the sensations in the rectum- it isn't moving very quickly either. Now things aren't moving because it is too solid to flow properly,AND the exit is blocked! Any one in this position quits wanting to even go because it would be uncomfortable!! now a situation is created that only LIQUID can get around these blockages.... hence creating diarrhea. she explained it like white rapids. water with no rocks moves slowly, water running over jagged rocks moves quickly and can be abrasive! so that explains his "blow outs". When looking at the xray you can see those black funny lines in his tummy--- she guessed those are very probably gas :(  Gas trapped there would be incredibly painful for someone his size with these blockages. So although we don't know why it happened, we fix it now. Tomorrow morning i will begin the "cleansing". One enema tomorrow then mucilax for two days 4 times a day, then another enema on Monday, followed by fiber everyday until my next drs visit in three weeks.

3 weeks from now, we hope that things will be better. Obviously we hope for weight gain( i understand shedding all of this stuff inside will lighten him up temporarily), but then we hope for consistency in bowel texture and for less bloating. WE continue gluten free until further notice in case that did indeed fail to be processed normally causing the blockages to form. The kicker is however that Soy milk increases the risks of these things forming, so we may reintroduce dairy in three weeks. Slowly of course, but Joel will be very pleased. Joel is a huge milk drinker and he is a firm "does your body good" believer. I think he can handle gluten free, but milk free forever would have made Joel really sad for Logan!

"As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him" John 9: 1-3

after a long morning!

a few from the fourth



Simple, Really

7:00 Wednesday morning i drag out of bed, get dressed and mope to the kitchen for breakfast. Decide there is no worth in opening my eyes at this hour much less eating. I scoop logan out of his bed, grab his clothes and the diaper bag and get into the car. Just he and I. When i was pregnant with him i wanted to be sure that i made time for times like these just the two of us-- didn't want him to get lost in the shuffle.

We arrived at the drs office at 8:50, our appointment was at 9, if you know me at all this is HUGE!So we sit and sit in the waiting room. The waiting room happened to be filled with VERY sick kids, that day, i thought i am so grateful we are just here for a consult-- it could be so much worse.

We get into the room, get an accurate weight--ounces less than he wieghed just last week :( i had filled out all of the patient paper work before i arrived(they mailed it to me) so my boy and I just sat on the floor and played with his cars. Really just enjoying our time together.then in walks the dr...

He starts right into the chart asking, asking, asking... then stops and says "I am so sorry! Im Dr Rittmeyer and you are..." I answer with a "deer-in-the-headlights" stare. I had waited for this appointment for a few weeks! I was so excited! Then he came in and i was instantly so over-whelmed! We discussed the symptoms the baby is consistantly presenting and we talk about weight gain or the lack there of and how he is very disappointed i havent seen him sooner. Moving on in our discussion, he begins to almost mumble to himself but directs the comments to me and or logan. Then he says "well after wieghing the pros and cons of scoping him i think we go ahead...is that okay with you?" i say "um okay i just had one personally and they didn't gain any insight from it... can you tell me more?" "I can scope him tomorrow! I feel like i would end up scoping him in the end, so i would rather do it now!" Let me go set that up for you!

The Dr returns explaining that he is concerned about "celiac Disease" and wonders if Logans body has reacted to a point that his "villi" are blunted. Meaning the "villi" located in the small intestine from what i understand are not doing their job i.e. absorbing nutrition. Which can explain the weight issue. I was just in shock. Not that we could possibly be finding a solution-- but that they were going to sedate my child and begin biopsying him--TOMORROW!

FAST FORWARD... Today at 4:30 i wake up paniced that i had over slept, i pray and lay there trying to rest  few more minutes. 5:30 i get out of bed, put on what i realized later was a shirt that i had worn to build a VBS set a few years ago and has appoxy on it and bum flip flops. Everything looks more glorious in the dark! I scoop up my sleeping toddler and put him in the car. i have a sippy cup that he cant drink because he is fasting--GReat job, right-- i guiltfully drive thru mcdonalds to get Diet Coke, hoping to just survive the day. Arriving at the GIDU there are clear signs posted all around reading
                           "Due to respect for patients fasting for procedures   
                             we ask that NO FOOD OR DRINK be brought into
                             this waiting room"

Seriously!!! I dont go ANYWHERE without a coke in my hand! I sleathly sneak it into the waiting room and set it right on the counter while i check in-- smooth right?! Very gratefully no one says a word about my lifeline at the time. Logan and i sit quietly in the waiting area, register, pay the co-pay... then we just sit. I sit quietly praying over him and quoting scripture. Then we get called back.

Two busted blood vessels from yesterday, and a blood draw wound made IV instertion difficult. So after busting two more today they put it in his foot. In general he doesnt mind getting blood drawn or the IV thing-- but the foot option... well he screamed and screamed. It was horrible.

Then we snuggled a few minutes before they decided it was time to go.

As we began to walk along side the gurney it hit me. one step at a time the tears began to fall. Walking into the room with the ultrasound machine on and the bright lights on high, i began to shiver a bit. Dr rittmeyer reassured me telling me it was Simple, really. They all were great about the whole thing. Patiently he said ... I think it is time for Mom to go. I walked out and lost it. Wandered back into the prep room where a nurse helped me gather my things, and i just sobbed. Finding a place in the waiting room where i could just fall into MY Father. I cried out to Him and just asked for him to hold me. Not answers. Not healing . Just to hold me. To lay His mighty hands on my sweet boy and keep him safe. I just wanted it to be over.

Wallowing, texting updates and trying to untanlge my headphones werent complete before i saw Dr Rittmeyer round the corner. It was Over. It was Simple, REALLY! He asked if Logan had consumed any ibuprofen in the last week. When my answer was No and he shook his head. i was a little spooked. We stepped into the recovery room and he began to list the biopsies he completed. Esophogus, small intestine, stomach, (the part of the stomach that processes sugars because that too could be an issue) and errosions. He then explains this to me..

There are two spots in the base of Logans stomach that are "erroded". Typically this is caused by too much ibuprofen or motrin-- but it would to have been given in the last week-which it hasnt. The other cause could be a few things: an allergic reaction to something he has eaten, or the stress of the food resistance has worn on his body to the point an ulcer is forming...well two ulcers are forming. None of this will be clear or definate until the biopsies arrive next week.

Originally we were going to wait to address the celiac thing until the biopsies were back.... today we went gluten free per Drs orders. "No confirmations but almost postitive from what i saw today" Living Dairy free and Gluten free are going to pose a list of new challenges, and are going to require entire family lifestyle changes. But my boy is totally worth it! coming out of the sedation took quite a while for him-- his weight was apparently a problem with dosage because he is soo tiny. So they were never auditably concered(In front of his mother) but when different nurses begin to show up in your recovery room and the Dr returns... you kinda figure it out. After much prodding, tape ripping and toe pulling his eyes opened. Hesitantly he grunted a few times and they filed out of the room, mission accomplished. Shorty thereafter we were released on our new journey.

living gluten free and dairy free with be a huge change for us. WE are a food loving family!

Its simple though, really. God gave me sweet Logan to care for. No mountain too high, no valley too low. No ulcer to hard to diagnose. I(WE) will continue to explore his best plan of action until we discover what is best. I will order new things to keep my pantry(his food needs to be seperate from the other stuff-so seperate the kids can understand it) safe, i will educate my kids on what is safe, label things for the nursey situations so that i am sure he is watched carefully, and so on.

Dont Panic. I am with you. There is no need to fear for i'm your God. Ill give you strength. Ill help you. Ill hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you. Isaiah 41:10

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Phillipians 4:6

it is simple, really.... He loves Logan more than i can fathom. He loved him first. He is in control. He wipes my tears and comforts my soul. He heals all wounds and is creator of all things.... it IS simple. Really.

Answers??

In November last year we celebrated Logan's first birthday! He was a peanut of a guy, but the sweatshirt i had made for his party was 12 months so i guess i thought he was right on track. The following week was his 1 year "well-baby visit". He weighed 18.8 pounds. Usually at 12 months babies weigh close to the 20 pound mark.

Seeing as he was close-in my mind- i wasn't overly concerned about his weight at that point. Our pediatrician (whom we love, both to death) was careful not to scare me but told me exactly what he would be watching for in our next few visits. Logan's head circumference had grown, his height had advanced on the charts, but even with those numbers growing his weight wasn't advancing. If you are really working the numbers- if a kid grows in height you would assume that just skeletal changes would increase his weight-right? WRONG.

From 9-12 months, Logan began to walk, self feed, and he transitioned from breast milk to a hypoallergenic formula, developed eczema and did not start talking. So with everything else changing, our Dr said we would cautiously watch his weight and see if the changes were to blame for the weight not increasing. If his body was still "growing" the dietary changes and new physical activity had to be to blame, i thought. This is easy.

So we went back monthly to weigh, and we celebrated each ounce. I even turned his car seat around for a bit of a road trip so he could watch a movie! I was so excited to see progress. Then what seemed like bowel issues related to the breast milk-to-formula-to-cows milk transition continued. The further back we looked, we found that it started in the ninth month. He was a biter and so we were primarily pumping at that point but then when the bowel issues showed up,our ped. recommended we switch to a gentler formula. So we did. Diarrhea persisted. So excited to move away from the $35 a can formula, we switched to whole cow's milk. Diarrhea persisted.

At 15 months the eczema was crazy. His legs were blotchy and rough and he would just lay there and let your rub them because they itched him. Still having 5-7 bowel movement a day, ped. wondered if it was Dairy all around.I have a diagnosed lactose intolerance so it made perfect sense to me! Absolutely! So we went dairy free. So for three full months he was dairy free. We substituted almond milk for 2 months, then because the diarrhea continued to rear its ugly head I wondered if maybe there was a nut thing going on too. So i pulled nuts too.

If you have ever read ANYTHING about bulking a kid up they suggest going from 2% milk back to whole milk and adding peanut butter to anything and everything you can. Both of the things i had pulled from Logan's diet.

So as we arrived at the 18month check up i knew what was expected and i knew what we were going to deliver. God and i had many discussions about why my boy wasn't growing. There were many times when i pleaded and steamed and He quietly listened. I spent timejuat spooking myself on google and asking Him why? Thankfully both of the peds in this practice are Christians and related with me when i described these moments to them... they too patiently listened.

This appointment happened to be scheduled with the nurse practitioner----the same nurse practitioner that was working in the PICU when Luke went to the hospital last summer, and who made a special effort to come to our room because we were patients of the practice where she was only part time then. She has finished her schooling and is now full time with their practice, but she was like Gods little wink encouraging me that this too was able to be taken care of. That He WAS taking care of it.

As she and I recounted the months of prior trial and error events we drew up our game plan. In the past few months i too have been struggling with GI related issues and there was a theory of an intestinal parasite for me... so we of course explored that possibility with Logan. His tests were negative, but we ran a round of meds anyway. They are not harmful to anything but the parasite-- and we are desperate. We then discussed visiting the allergist to absolutely rule out or be confident in the food removal decisions we have made. Then to the Pediatric GI doctor to begin the journey of the diarrhea solution. Kids cant gain weight if every calorie they take in exits promptly. Hopefully after conferring with those Doctors and their findings we could move on to a nutritionist to discover a plan that was right for Logan's weight gain.

I would like to insert here that the 18 month appointment was @ 9:15 am and by 4pm that very same day i had heard back from 3 of the referrals. The ped's office had not only contacted them with the info, but the doctors offices had all responded. We began to make appointments and relay appointment times back to the ped's office to schedule follow ups with them as we learned more.

Last week 6-15, we met with Dr Goodman, the allergist. I can't say enough how much i liked him from the beginning. I had both both boys with me and it was very busy in that room to say the least. He was patient with the boys and talked to me like a person - not like i didn't have my medical degree. We briefly talked about why i needed to see him first and what i needed most from him. He sighed, then grinned, and said "so basically you need to just check me off your list before you can move on". Which was really true. Although i was curious about the results; i couldn't meet with GI or Nutrition without knowing what allergies we were up against. This visit ended with 4 viles of blood drawn and my boy not even flinching. He has been a trooper when sometimes i have so much running through my mind i cant see straight.

Today we were scheduled for the "infant panel" allergy skin testing. He was prepped. Pricked. And we waited...

The results were ALL NEGATIVE! The intense soy testing and dairy testing were both negative. Plus all of the pricks with common allergens were negative as well.

With results in hand, Dr Goodman still recommended to withhold dairy products until we meet Dr Rittmeyer next week. Dr Goodman slipped a few times and referred to Dr Rittmeyer by his first name, this made me giggle inside because i felt so much more confident about the Drs God has set in my path. These drs are not only able to work well together but are apparently friends. What better relationship could i have asked for to help me figure out how to care for my baby?

So per drs orders we introduced Soy today. In milk and yogurt forms. We will document any changes, if any, for the next 7 days so we can take them to the GI appointment next week. I also left with my own copies of all the testing that Dr Goodman's office ran, to add to the growth charts Dr Stones office provided, and i feel ready and excited to move on the Dr Rittmeyer's office next week.

WE will return to the allergist in 2 months to regroup with Dr Rittmeyer's recommendations and requests.

I want to pass along some things i learned today. Diary allergy and Dairy intolerance are not the same. Allergies cause immediate reactions--sometimes deadly. Intolerance is a "gut" issue that your body just cant process the dairy products well. Dr Goodman very candidly said "cows milk was designed for cows, not humans" AS simple as that sounds he made perfect sense to me. We homogenize and pasteurise milk to keep it longer, but maybe it is the artificial enzymes we cant process? Would it be easier on Logan's tummy straight from the cow? No, i am not going to run out and buy a cow, but really took a moment to ponder Gods perfect design.

He created us to produce milk for our own young. There are many moms that are unable to do this but we have created an amazing substitute for them. Soy is a bean that God has given us for many years has been grown to turn into many different things! Almonds are even able to made into a "milk". I am not saying that God didn't intend for us to drink cows milk-- but maybe we aren't supposed to mess with the original make up... maybe the way He made it and people consumed it for hundreds of years was what He intended... just my random thoughts.

I will post again after the GI appointment next week and i promise a shorter post since i wont have to give any background info. If you stuck it out long enough to make it this far, Thank you. We are incredibly blessed to have friends, family and followers who pray for us on this journey.

For HE knows the plans He has for us...

My cup is full

We jokingly call Lorelei "henny".

Simply because her aspirations to "mother" her sibling sometimes even end in her harming them-- but she must have her hand in everything they do... Or comment on it... Or yank the hair brush from your hand because you aren't doing it right... Or throw your shoe across the room because it isn't the pair she chose for you to wear.

She is a constant adventure! You never know what mood she will be in or where she like you on any given day until she has given you her instructions for your day. Needless to know the drill sergeant in me and this precious child of mine clash A LOT!

Recently this daughter of mine proclaimed to Joel that when she grows up she wants nothing more than to be a mommy. He asked her again on a night when I was home and she beamed at me with delight and again announced "I want to be a mommy"!!!

Tonight after a miserable sleep study I came home to find every one I bed, joel sleeping- the kids laying in their beds and watching tv. Lorelei had a little Logan sleeping in the crook of her arm and she whispered to me.. "I scooped him up and snuggled him to sleep, I will just hold him tonight while daddy rests". I moved Logan to his bed and kissed them each goodnight. As I ran dishes and started laundry I thanked God for my sweet girl. She has faults and attitude and Lordy does she push my buttons. She also loves with her whole heart. When she carries Logan down my wooden stairs it is to help me and save me steps not to scare me to death.

When Joel stumbled out of our room tonight worried I hadn't made it home he found me amidst a mountain of laundry that needed to be folded. He inquired about my night and asked why I wasn't in bed. My response? I am basking in being a mommy. Folding laundry and dishes isnt the most glorious part of my job but it gives me time to reflect on each of them. I shared the story of how I found Lorelei And logan when I got home and he smiled and said all she wants Is too be a mommy. I said I think she will be a pretty darn good one!

His response... "because she has a good example"

I said what does that mean?

He made some awkward face and said "you are a good mommy, and she wants to be just like you"

Then he stumbled back to bed and has no idea that I am still sitting her basking in that moment. That moment that will carry me for weeks. At this rate i may be folding laundry until I go to work in the morning just never wanting this moment to end :)

Who?

not much has changed in my house, but our spirits are more calm.

Working for both of us is mind bending. I really enjoy the contact with new faces each day and having adult interaction-- mainly the inner pride i get from being able to balance it all. Joel enjoys what he does but constantly struggles to not bring the stress home and not let his mind be consumed with work.

trying to be sure and meet his needs has become a pressing priority for me. As a new mom--almost all of  us fall into this-- we focus on making sure these precious creatures God had entrusted to us are cared for like He would expect us too. This for me meant ignoring my husband. We ate- but he cooked most of the time. (SN he is an amazing cook, sometimes its better that he cooks lol) Clothes were clean but probably in a laundry basket that he was digging thru the morning before work. He isn't the type to lay things out before and be sure everything is ready for the next day. Very different from me. I pack for a trip two weeks before we are leaving--Packing is in the works as we speak-- but he packs the night before. So it is my job to be a step ahead. Always be sure underwear and socks are neatly in his drawer and that clean jeans are hung in the closet. His shirts get dry cleaned so i don't mess them up, and i will admit i am not always good about picking them up timely!

This has made a huge difference for us. Yes i do have four kids. Yes they are all at an age where the require a good bit of pre-planning on my part-- but they also stay home with him 5 nights out of seven. That alone changed the dynamic so much in my house that it called for major changes. Time together became scarce, so now we do something outside of our house when i am off, even if it is a Tuesday. If we are limited to our activities availability then we watch one hour of tv with the kids, then one hour of tv just us. Baths done, stories read, and kisses given-- but now our foundation should be cemented.

My kids are the most amazing gifts i have ever received. Joel however is the one whom i have committed to spend my life with, a covenant that we committed to in front of The Father who gave me those children. It is first my biblical duty to be his wife and we are to parent together.

Something else we had to learn. I have always been the constant but he was the heavy. Now we have to make absolutely sure that even if i only have time to type a text or send a quick email that we are in touch about everything with the kids. There has to be complete shared parenting so there are no cracks. Lexi didn't bring her library book home last week. They are tested each week on their comprehension of their weekly choice. After i asked her about the book she told me she read it and tested before she brought the book home. Book reading is something she and i do in the afternoons so i am sure it doesn't get lost in the evening shuffle-- I dropped the ball. Joel never knew it was missing because he didn't know to look for it-- i dropped the ball again. Sight words are in a baggie taped to the back door so i grab them and run thru them every morning on the way to school-- but he also goes thru them at night with her, because he knows too. He can only team parent when i am open about my game plans. He says all the time that he can't read my mind, and it is a big part of my job to be sure and tell him exactly what is on it-- in a nice way of course lol.

i am a note leaver-- i think i have mentioned that before but i even leave notes to Lexi now-- like "you are grounded" on her tv! I think she is now old enough to be accountable for some things. But Joel isn't good about distributing the kids energy(which can make a night way more stressful than it needs to be!) , so i leave them notes about what i expect from them. Joel of course has to read these notes but also elaborates on the tasks at hand. Gives him the authority--gives them a constructive way to spend energy-- and keeps the peace in my house.

working has giving us a whole new sense of unity and "team". Joel and i are a team but it is equally important to make sure that the kids are team players as well. if i really live as though it is solely our responsibility to do it all, i am raising children prepared not for the world they live in. Joel grew up getting dinner started and helping around the house-- i think it is important that we find age appropriate ways for our kids to do the same. It is also very fitting i think to take away things that are not cared for properly. period the end. you don't care for it then you don't need it, until you are willing to carry out the proper care.---- if it is on the floor two days in a row, you must not care about it. the trash man would probably take really nice care of it. Of course i don't always throw it away but it gives them a little better perspective.

all of this was just to say thank you to all of you who tell me how kind my kids are and how you don't know how i do it. Truth is i do it just like you do! one day at a time, one hurdle at a time... routine is key, not getting bogged down in what doesn't work and finding something that does. My kids are changing everyday-- so we are all going to need to change and tweak everyday.

That means grounding my marriage and strapping it down so tight that no matter what the changes are we stay intact. That also means teaching my kids that having a sound marriage very much impacts how they grow up. That they are very important to us  but that we want their marriages to strive to be even stronger than ours and that means having some mommy and daddy time!

recently a friend told me that they missed their husband. The husband that still comes home from work each night and shares dinner with her. Ladies we can't let this happen to us! we must continue to guard our marriages from an easy foot hold for Satan. These precious bundles God gives us can become a wonderful blessing to our marriage or we can let them dominate so much of us that we no longer know the men we are across the tables from!

Father i ask that you lift each of us up, and carry us through this season of our lives. Some struggle solo right now because of situations beyond our control. Lord please constantly remind us that we are not alone! That you are here in each moment and that you are always actively placing people in our lives to walk with us thru these times.

God i ask that you would encourage us to make a daily connection with these men you have chosen for us. To daily pray for your guidance in their lives, and to give us strength to support the decisions they make in you.

Thank you father for these amazing blessing you have bestowed on us in our children, I pray for continued and renewing strength each day to raise them as you would have us.

In Your Son's name we pray, AMEN

legacy

Walked into church after a surprise run to Dunkin Donuts with our family, and it felt really good to be all there together. Sometimes lately Joel and the kids go Saturday nights with out me so that we can have some family time on Sunday morning before i go to work. My kids think only Joel can make waffles properly and of course my pancakes never taste like daddy's do :) That is okay for me really. I have been most recently focused on what they will remember. 

Joel and I are juggling quite a bit right now. His job is hectic to say the least and my juggling the jobs I have plus trying-i said trying- to keep up with the household things is a lot. IN recent weeks,starting in December actually, we began having mechanical issues with my suburban. After several frustrating, unable to diagnose or fix, visits we decided to hang it up. WE purchased that car when i was expecting Luke...It carried us across the country many times. WE will all always remember our first bus. But now we are blessed to have a new suburban and very blessed to have Joel's parents that helped us do it all so quickly. It occurred to me that this one one of the silly things that we would all talk about for years. I took a picture of where the sticker people lived on the back on my suburban. We lived life in that car for three great years. The memories and road trips with last a lifetime.

We have also had birthday parties for Logan, Luke, and Lexi in the last few months. Luke actually made out with three between all our travels, but there are video tapes and pictures to document it all. I am a photograph-aholic if that is such a thing, so i am sure there will be many chronicled events to look back on when they are grown....

But will they remember things that aren't photographed?

What will it be?

Will i be proud of what i have left behind? Or even before i am gone, will i be proud of the stories they tell my grand kids? Will i have have to apologize later for the things they remember?

In the end i will not be responsible for how Joel acts, how their teachers act or how they spend their adult lives. But i will always feel obligated to be sure their soil is best for their growth and that means holding those people accountable! Deeper than that i want them to remember the little things i say in the quiet moments. I want them to know that each night when i come home from work i sit in the floor of their room and pray for each of them.

When i speak harshly to Lexi about her behavior not being exceptional, does she hear that exceptional is above the awesome level she has already achieved? Nope. She hears failure.

When i reprimand Lorelei about her meltdowns, does she understand that i know she has "personal space" preferences and I realize her siblings are overwhelming her in those moments? Not at all. She hears loud noise. Internally she is shutting down and diffusing the bomb... So i become part of the problem not part of the solution.

Luke, my 100% momma's boy, is still in the midst of potty training. We have really good days and some not so great--well epic failure days. On the good days he beams with pride! Bad days however sound like this--"i not big boy? You sad at me? your heart bwoken?" Do i really make him carry around his self worth based on making it in time? i know potty training boys is hard and we are making progress, but i must react more positively to the good days. He probably doesn't remember the things i say those days. Dry underwear doesn't matter to him, but since it matters to me-- it carries the weight of the world for him.

Logan is just a ray of sunshine right now. He waves when i say good bye and opens his mouth wide for a kiss. Toddles just as fast as his little feet can when i walk into the door, and these are the things that keep me going. Maybe when he is old enough to remember I will be better at controlling my tongue in these sacred moments with my babies.

In Service yesterday there was a video played that a dad left to his family. It entailed life instruction for his boys, a welcome message for the baby on the way, many loving words to his wife and professions of faith for his children to always know where he stood. If i left a message right now would my life compare to the words i would leave? Would the words for them outweigh the words i say each day?

I must strive each day to be the women God desired for me to be. The women He knows i can be. The women He planned for me to be in these children's lives. The wife I am some days, may I be that Wife all of my days.

"May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, OH LORD" Psalm 19:14

                                                                   Heart Shaped Donuts :)

                                                          Growing up way too fast

there is light and an end to the tunnel

Four kids, two jobs, and a husband with a full work schedule. There is a lot on my plate right now. I am however not alone.
There are many moms that work and balance their kids with out a husband. Mom's that have loving husbands that are away defending my freedom. Kids that do not know where their parents are but have faith their providers are going to feed them. I really have it pretty good if you ask me.

Openly i have complained. well moaned and groaned. A lot.

today i want to tell you about the things that have helped me find LIGHT in every thing.

First and for most i am a firm believer that although God is always with us we run to Him when things stink. Well i didn't just run; i screamed. I was angry that he provided for me--- Really i was mad at Him for the opportunities here. i Figured if he hadn't provided we wouldn't have been here in the first place. I spent more time in the word preparing for kids worship, studying for bible studies etc than i had ever before--- yet Satan found this perfect opportunity to steal me away. Sometimes being married to a star wars guy we joke about "crossing over to the dark side" well let me tell you it is as scary as the movie presents it!

Gratefully, we were still attending church and i got to go be with the greatest girls at camp for a week. Spending a week with "tweenage girls" will change your perspective on ANYTHING! During that week God spoke to me as much as He spoke to those girls. Being with the other counselors is always awesome and uplifting. But these girls-- man you would envy me to be in the depths of those late night discussions. Privileged as i am i also got to spend that very same week with dear friends and 4 campers from last year that will always be near my heart. The SAME God that provided my husband with the job here-- provided me a week of prospective. He has continued to provide me with physical proof of His provision.

If you or anyone you know is a new mom or new to an area. SEND HER TO MOPS! This is a Christian organization that provides a safe places for moms to support each other. Attending the what i refer to as a "mega" church it was really hard to connect. MOPS has opened up a way for me to not only meet people, but to meet people in the same stage of life i am in. Plus given me the daily encounters with other God fearing women that i longed for. At the church we attended before there were several of us that had kids of similar ages, and would get together to play and chat-- a much needed outlet when you speak preschooler each day! Being involved with mops has slowly opened those doors back up for me.

Grateful can't explain how i feel about those very same women encouraging me when i moved here. My buds back home have never let me go. They continue to pray for me and are always bringing me back to wear i need to be. Thank you all Ladies.

reading other blogs written by other amazing women, reading books about grief and what God expects from me as a women have been excellent helps as well.

The most important thing tho, girls, is to remember that you are not alone, Ever. I still cry out my Savior in the middle of the night when one of my little ones isn't able to be consoled. There are also pals i can text/call when i am at my wits end in those moments. Cherish the special people God blesses you with to journey alongside. His provision isn't always measured in food and drink. i do love to share a good bite to eat with my girls tho :) 

The end of all things is near. Therefore be alert and of sober mind so that you may pray. 1 Peter 4:7