You hold the world in Your hands

A few moments ago i emerged from the hottest shower i have ever taken. I kept reaching the knob turning it hotter and hotter hoping soon i would just be numb. That for just one moment it would all stop and i could feel nothing.

Back packs are packed. Lunches prepped. Clothes folded neatly for tomorrow. One last enema delivered. Now i sit watching the clock.

Tuesday morning i received a phone call i have been praying for... "Biopsy is scheduled for Friday morning at 10"  WHA WHA WHA WHA WHA WHA (insert Charlie Brown teacher voice here) I didn't hear anything after that. Truthfully i had to call her a back a few hours later when i could refocus, she graciously repeated the details. Grace is her name ironically. She quietly reminded me there would be not anesthesia and that Joel and i would be there to help them restrain and calm him. No particular eating instructions, just "clean out" protocols.

i emailed 4 people,our parents. didn't post anything on facebook. i shared with a few people Tuesday, but now that it was happening i had to really decide how i felt about it.

I asked God for an appointment. I prayed that i would know how to comfort my tiny boy during the procedure; never had i asked God how I was going to get thru the procedure. Satan and I began to wrestle or as southerners say WRASTLE. Guilt crept in and i began to get weary from just contemplating asking God for personal peace. Admittedly i asked Joel to be there because although I will be as strong as Logan needs me to be, i will weep, and that will be a God allowed emotion. Logan needs to know that tears are also a sign of strength.

Tonight I texted a friend that although i wasn't going to post all of my emotions for all to see, i was succumbing to them. The tears were taking over. Joel is at a business dinner, my house is quiet and it was a perfect time for dear old Satan to take advantage of me.... she immediately asked me if we could talk just for a quick second. As she began to pray i felt the tears become slower and slower. They brought more relief as each one fell.

I got in the shower and began to plead with God. In Genesis Abraham pleads with God about Sodom and Gomorrah. You know when he makes the initial plea to God?? When God comes to him in the form of an unknown visitor. Abraham makes haste to welcome Him and feasts with Him. Only after he serves the guest all night does God reveal Himself. The guest then makes clear His plans to give Abraham a child and Sarah who is secretly eavesdropping, scoffs... God asks Abraham why she has laughed and Sarah denies laughing... God calls her out. RIGHT THEN AND THERE. He not only knew the desires of her heart but he spoke plainly about also hearing her words. Then the Almighty tells Abraham of his plans to destroy these cities. Abraham speaks openly about his heart and begs God to allow him to find 50 righteous men. Just 50. God agrees.

Abraham returns and requests to lower the number... Lets try 45... you know how the story goes from here? If not read Genesis 18&19, there is salt involved! Also Lot (go find out who Lot is!)has a son who "fathers" a tribe the Ruth is from, who marries Boaz who turns out are the great- grands of King DAVID! You know, King David who was in direct lineage of Christ!

That all was to say this. Tonight i am pleading with God. This week has been full of spiritual battles, hospital phone calls and medical jargon. And all of that is okay. He wants me to audibly tell Him I am scared. My relational God desires my pleadings, and enjoys the pouring of my heart at His feet. This actually pleases Him. I am supposed to "cry out" to Him. HE not only knows this is how i feel, but HEARS me and calls me out when I am showing little faith. He gave Sarah a baby in her old age though right? Yes He did, even though she laughed at Him and was in absolute disbelief that it could happen. My bible says God told Sarah "is anything to hard for the Lord?"...

God did save some people from those cities. It wasn't the original projected way, nor was it quick and painless. But there was a purpose for each that survived. Nothing that my precious boy has endured these last few months was peachy, and as a mom i would have laughed if you had told me if was purposed. Watching my child go through this has been harder on me emotionally than i can explain, but as i began to plead through a loud sob i ended here.

Sitting on my bed with my hair dripping wet and sweats that are now sopping wet because i had so much i wanted to type i didn't take the time to dry off all the way. Each step was purposed. All i wanted was to yell at Him, to weep in His arms, and He heard me. Then He poured back into me. I feel more ready for tomorrow than i could have ever prepared myself. I don't know if anyone reading this needs it, I imagine that He knows someone who needs it that will cross paths with it at some point. Tonight that person is me, I needed to type it. It needed to cross my lips out loud. He needed to call me out to be transparent that the strength i will have tomorrow is pure GOD.

My work schedule this week was none, i only work tomorrow after the procedure. The entire week i had nothing to focus on but the tiny glimpses of joy that He scatters through my day. The sweet chubby cheeks of a tiny baby, the giggles of delight from my toddler, imaginative stories from my red head, high fives from my new reader, and letters of acceptance from my gifted oldest... warfare in my head was surrounded by constant reassurance. It was already taken care of. I just had to actually tell Him i wanted Him to Hear me, Ask Him to Hold me, Beg Him to fill me back up.

All He wants is all of me. This child I lay awake praying for has an incredible future. Whatever it is has an impact i cannot fathom. But God Knows and it is carefully designed. Cities that are destroyed or procedures that are uncomfortable all have purpose in the Grand Plan.

i covet your prayers as we take our first set of biopsies tomorrow. There will be no pain relief during the procedure, so the sooner it is complete the better. Joel and i are praying for peace and asking for pain relief only the master physician can provide. Thank you in advance and i assure you i will keep you posted.

"Now that i have been so bold as to speak to the Lord, though I am nothing but dust and ashes..." Genesis 18:27

"Is anything to hard for the Lord?..." Genesis 18:14

"My soul weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word" Psalm 119:28

"May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer." Psalm 19:14

God Math

These last few months have felt like an eternity. Time has dragged in my heart like i cant explain.

If i were to look back over the fall, time appeared to be flying around me while i stood still in agony. Soccer season came and went. The girls are doing so well in athletics it is wonderful. Luke and Logan have both become pro scooter riders, and man, can Logan ride that tricycle! I changed jobs completely and took on a Holiday Sales Lead roll at Bath and Body Works and even changed malls. Joel had two major surgeries and his parents were here for two whole weeks. All the while nothing changed. Weight quit increasing in November, bowels were not regulated and bloatingcoupled long nights returned.

We see a specialist every four weeks for "maintenance". What it is that's working so well that we need to maintain it, i haven't figured out yet... but we go and get new mirilax adjustments and a fresh game plan at minimum.

At December's visit i asked why we hadn't ever followed his digestion from the top down to confirm its functioning was proper. So we did. Luke hung out with a nurse that was into "life savers" aka light sabers and Logan drank his nasty drink so we could make sure there weren't any glitches in the track. The Radiologist hung his head as he said "i know you wanted something from this, but honestly its perfect." I had told him about our journey and to be disappointed that your child is healthy on the scan is a scary place to be. I am learning to be more cautious about the amount of eggs i put in one basket... but i just want to make him better. Admittedly i am reaching at this point. I just want him to wake up and be fixed. My mind has expanded in ways i never imagined. The perfectly designed plumbing of our bodies is just beautiful!..... I just have to find what isn't quite doing its job in Logan's body.

Saying "I" isn't exactly true but soon you will hear how God is giving me guidance through people in my path because I am so lost in the "where to next" phase.

After the Jacksonville visit tunred out to not be the earth shaking appointment i thought it would be, i wept. A careful friend guided me back to words of encouragement instead of defeat. That very same friend happens to be a pediatric nurse. She texted me 3-4 weeks ago with a condition she wanted me to check out. The connections were just to close to ignore. Hirshsprungs Disease.

Another friend from the high school stage in our lives had suggested these very same two words a few months back, but with the being over whelmed with the actual symptom management i hadn't ever asked about it.

This last Saturday Joel called me at work... which he almost never does... and asked me to come home. Logan was screaming in the back ground and he said we have to give him an enema... its been two days.  My sweet, recently turned two, little guy has learned that there is something in his milk and now will just not drink it. The very same milk that is approx $12 a bottle, so we aren't fighting him and putting it in there for him to waste... we instead are trying to introduce other beverages we could hide it in. Complicating it even more, we are only supposed to give him pediasure or water. So finding something that wont break the rules terribly because sugar causes diarreah and apple juice causes gas etc etc etc is hard.

I worked a short shift Sunday and was just going to swing by our small group gathering a few minutes. The topic of our discussion wasn't planned to be about tithing but it kept turning back in that direction and the phrase "God Math" kept coming up. No matter what the paper says some how things just work out. When you give God back what is His, it comes back in ways unexplainable... in ways only explained by God planning... God Math.

Still while i just listened i heard "its mine". And out of no where our leader (relevant to what they were talking about) said, while looking me square in the face, "Gods got this". No one in that room knew that this weekend had been a rough one for little Logan. Joel and the kids had in fact stayed home from small group Sunday. We stood to pray and since i had missed prayer requests, i just shot out that Logie had an appointment the next day and i was going to ask for a new test to be done and to investigate a new scenario. Hirshrpungs Disease.

Across the room a member and pediatric nurse from our group bolted from her chair and said OH NICKIE!!! She darted to the other room and ran back with a piece of note book paper with two words across the top. HIRSHSPUNGS DISEASE. With specific tests to run and and corrective procedures and suggested care tactics all listed below. All hand written because her printer was acting up. Each letter on that page was meant for me to see.

While Joel's parents were here i had shared the condition with them and was just terribly nervous that i was going to get bogged down in the medical jargon and would get blown off because i wasn't asking the right questions. Now, in my hand were the questions to be asked. Written in understandable medical mumbo jumbo :) Hand written just for me. While we prayed i began to weep. Now it began to add up. My job at Gymboree wasn't patient with Logan being sick. So God opened a door literally with in days for the BBW position to take shape. The position also had an end date, from the beginning. A date that carried us thru Christmas and two surgeries and eight extra hands to carry us thru the season. Between September and December, my dad has been here several times, my mom has helped on weekends and Joel's parents stayed two weeks. Any other time of the year i wouldn't have been able to do it. 

November brought a few ounces of weight gain and moderate complications with our regimen but was manageable. December was a roller coaster all on its own account. Joel and i struggled to keep our heads in the game as a team and to keep everything running smoothly. Four kids is no joke and when you add two jobs and extra curriculars plus little sleep it is no picnic.

So as i sat on my bed in the darkness Sunday night i just begged God for peace of mind, a confident tongue and a CALM that could only be explained by knowing what was best for my child. I know where it all came from but i wanted the staff i would confront the next day to know that i had a power behind me that wasn't worth pushing. I needed them to hear me out.

Arrived early at the office. Since i am never ANYWHERE early, i felt like i was on the greatest track i could be on. "He's got this" i kept saying. I signed in almost shaking. Then i sat for thirty minutes. Was moved to a room and sat another thirty minutes. Meanwhile my very lethargic toddler was laying on his blanket on the floor. Very clearly displaying how he felt. It was like I was in God"s holding tank. Long enough to settle. i played games on my phone, reread my paper and then began to listen to the voices outside of my door. DR Rittmeyer and the FNP were outside discussing Logan.

I couldn't make anything specific out and this drove me crazy but they talked FOREVER!!! in reality it couldn't have been that long but i couldn't focus on their words. My mind was blank. I couldn't even create an imaginary conversation in my head. There is was a big. fat. nothing.

The FNP came in and reviewed the weekends upsets and our care measures and i said i would like to move in a different direction... she interrupted and said Dr Rittmeyer and i would like to test for HIRSHSPRUNGS DISEASE. My heart stopped. I wasn't sure if i was going to vomit or laugh and wail. But there is was, everything i wanted to say! She began to ask me questions almost as if she was reading my paper. Now my heart was racing.

None of it added up before now. On paper nothing that was happening was making any sort of sense. Every single detail had to happen to lead them to " different angle". Each obstacle that made me angry because of the discomfort Logan had to endure led me here. Each person that God placed in my path to suggest this specific testing was spaced just perfectly so that it was such a clear indicator of where the answer came from.

God Math

i am waiting for a date and time of the first biopsy and then if unsuccessful-- she warned me pretty heavily that it might be unsuccessful--we do another biopsy in the following days. Alesha the FNP isn't convinced this is the answer but opposed to the trial and error mirilax plan she has in her mind for the next year this sadly sounds better for logie. If the biopsy doesn't reveal HIRSHSPRUNGS maybe there will be something else of note from it. No matter what the results there is still a long path ahead. However it might add up to me, well or not add up. i have to believe no matter what that "he's got this"

God math doesn't equal understanding, but I believe that it equals Peace that surpasses understanding.

⁶ Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; ⁷ and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

lets just wait

waiting on the world to change, waiting on a woman, while I'm waiting. There are so many songs about waiting. Often about how we aren't really expecting much to change. Today i am writing to tell you that waiting brings peace, despite what we expect.

Confusion isn't completely out of my head, but control is. I am not, nor have i ever been in control. In my head i really did know that, although i probably didn't acknowledge it. Advocate can have many meanings when its about your kid, and sometimes i forget that I'm fighting for something i don't really know exists.

Logan has digestive issues no one can really explain. He was given a label that meant he wasn't growing, not because they knew exactly what was wrong with him. Cognitively he is more advanced than most his age, and when he hangs out with his siblings he can party like the best of them. Hands down can hold his own with no problem. SO with all of those things on his side, they said to wait.

Watching for what seems like nothing can be miserable. A friend reached out last week and smacked me while i was wallowing in my tears. Not literally but said things i needed to hear, whether i wanted to hear them or not. Celebrate. She reminded me that although three different scales were involved and it might just be ounces of gain it was STILL gain. The pediasure that i do nothing but gripe about is supposed to bring gain... maybe the liquid gold was really working?! I have been so busy setting out to get help that i was missing the mighty healer reassuring me that He is working! My soon-to-be-two year old can race my almost four year old on bikes. a tricycle and a bike go roaring down my drive way daily. That isn't something a baby the size of "an average one year old" should be doing.

In one week the nation could change as we know it. In three weeks my last baby turns TWO. In six weeks it will be time for grands to arrive and Christmas to begin.

But today the wait for me ends. Logan has weight, today.

It doesn't matter if he has to be on pediasure until he is ten. Don't worry about tomorrow, celebrate today. It kills me inside to know that i have no idea what is wrong or why or how to make it better. That same feeling brings me a little grin. Know Why? Because i don't have to know. I am not waiting on pins and needles for a miracle.

I KNOW he KNOWS.
 I KNOW that these ounces are a gift to celebrate.
I Know that He knows it drives me crazy, so he gives me little blessings to celebrate.
I know that Logan is my miracle. That the lessons i am learning are much bigger than i imagine them.

Being still isn't my forte, but my, what can be seen in the stillness. This week i have prayed and listened. Originally it was to see what i was supposed to do next, and we will continue to see doctors to watch him with us. But for now we will rest in this weight.

Weight can be precious. The weighting doesn't have to be misery.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."  Matthew 6:34

"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

"Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

i have struggled to come to this page. struggled worse to open up the "new post tab". struggled with the emotions that come with posting on the blog every time i seem to do so.

i cant grasp the i don't knows... so sharing them and explaining them are becoming increasingly difficult. The last post i wrote, was awful. Typos out the ying yang, grammar was horribly displayed, and my witness wasn't exactly what it should have been either. AS i type i am listening to music loudly in my headphones because with the quiet house surrounding me i am afraid to be alone with my thoughts.

anger is gone. frustration is no longer appropriate. failure cant be achieved if you aren't actively trying something. I am just devastated.

Three weeks ago on he telephone i requested on the a prescription for the new pediasure and since there had been no answer and no returned phone call, i decided to show up at Dr Rittmeyers office. After a mops leadership meeting and no lunch up to that point, my boys weren't in the best of spirits and part of me gloated about that. See how long they ignore me next time after i bring my melting boys into the packed waiting room bwahahahaha. So after the very shocked receptionist announces my presence they run to help me--not. I waited for thirty minutes in the waiting room before a nurse (hesitant due to the nasty message i left her) emerges, to call us back. She put us in a little room and asks me what brings me in.... "well i cant get anyone on the phone and i need this miracle milk in prescription form and i cant just get that on my own!" assuring me that it will just be a second she runs to get me a sample and the prescription. I stripped Logan down and snuck to the scale. 5 OUNCES LOST. We had been on what i call the "liquid gold" for two weeks and LOST weight! The boys were a hot mess now and i began to cry. I told the nurse that i need to inquire about what, why and how?! i began to literally machine gun her with questions and after the fifth time she left to get an answer i asked her what it took to see the someone she kept asking. I got a full line of BS and then i told her it was fine. The boys and i would just stay in that room until someone had time to see us, we hadn't brought our lunch but i was sure they were okay with us just hanging out, right?! I had a nurse practitioner in my room within seconds. The NP explained that they didn't even have time to eat lunch most days and that i needed to understand that hearing from the LPN within 24 hours was really great. I was nice at first and got the script in my hand for the correct pediasure that i had been using samples for and had already convinced my pharmacist to start calling around looking for. Then... i began to ask her the same questions that i had asked the -probably never going to talk to me again nurse- How are we losing on a supplement? How is this not sticking? you wont let me give him anything else to drink but this stuff, how is he seeming dehydrated? I chart his poop and we still aren't regular with the new mirilax plan, how can that be? -- the tears came again. And my speech slurred and i began to weep. right there on the table as my boys fought in the corner over the two cars i had stashed in my purse. She didn't know what to do with me. She tried to professionally hug me and then said i know you are frustrated but we are going to figure it out. She popped out and came back with pop corn on her breath(she had told me they don't get to eat because they are so busy) and blood work requests plus a new xray order. we checked out and my phone rang. It was four o'clock and my girls were getting off the bus and i was not there. my neighbor and her teenage daughters are wonderful to us. She ushered the girls to her house, gave them a snack, and began homework. Such a blessing. However that just fueled my fire. I had now been there 4 hours, boys were still hungry, i had to be to work at some point and needed to get xrays and blood work done. The silly tears came again. I called Joel and caught him and and told him he was going to have to grab the girls and meet me at the mall so that we could switch hopefully in time for work. I got the xrays done and i know that they are instant. The pictures seriously appear on their inbox display with in seconds of being taken. Knowing that i just left them, i of course and expecting a call shortly after... The NP PROMISED to call me the next morning but i thought she might read it right away. They took blood, blood and more blood. Logie is a champ, he know after they are done he gets a "man" band aid, so he waits and then yells "MAN! MAN! MAN!" she grins and grabs his band aid and he waves and says bye! GO! she always giggles and talks to him about how brave he is :)

The next morning i obsessively watch my phone. NOTHING. The pediasure has to be ordered and so i can pick it up in 24 hours. Very grateful that we have enough contact with her that she ordered it when i left the drs office before i handed her the paper so that it went on that day's order instead of the next day's. At last at 5:30 i get a frantic call from the NP. There is a HUGE pocket of unclear gas that has built up in his abdomen and a definite blockage that needs to be moved. i need to come in the morning after two enemas tonight. Pack a bag and plan to stay a few days. Ready SET GO... i began making arrangement for everyone and setting up bus plans etc. I prayed that we would stay until something was a clear answer. The next morning i shuffled everyone to their destinations and Logan and i drove to midway to trade cars with Joel so he would have to big car just in case, and then we drove to the hospital while i called and covered my shift for later that night. I want to be sure i explain everything that was involved in preparing for this "few day" stay. we arrive and i push the stroller that i have hooked a rolling suitcase to, carry a pillow and special blanket, a back pack with Logan's things and my over night bag with us to the xray station. New xrays before admittance... um OK. so we did xrays then they told us to go back to the Dr. UMMM OK. so i haul all of our plunder up to the Dr and we let them know we are there. The staff once explained xrays as a fast pass... i think i have shared that with you before. This time we waited 45 minutes, and then my cell phone rings.... "Mrs white? can you come to the office? The Dr would like to see you" me: "I'M IN THE WAITING ROOM!" If you could hear me pounding the keys as i typed that sentence you might have laughed.

i walked in Dr Rittmeyers office and there he has a print out of a "normal" intestinal structure, Logan's xray from the day before and the xray from the present day.  The intestines are CLEAR, I can see each perfect ridge God put in his small and large intestines. This is the first time i have been able to see his pelvic bones because there is normally too much poop to decipher anything. The gas pocket had decreased by half. GOD SHOWED UP BIG TIME. it was all gone. Downside? When things are clear at that exact moment--- they send you home and check you off the list for that day. So home we trudged although i knew he hadn't passed any of that and i knew he hadn't released any major gas. I was baffled but glad he wasn't hurting.

Two weeks ago Joel noticed a bulge in Logan's belly after bath time. It was just under his breast bone in between his ribs in the center. He called me at work-- which he NEVER does-- and then called Dr Rittmeyer. The Dr was on call and called back quickly. Rittmeyer decided that Logan didn't need to be seen right that moment but wanted Joel to be there first thing in the am. So since it was a Mops meeting morning and Joel was the one that found it, Daddy decided to take him. They arrived at 7:30 as instructed and there was no note that referenced the previous nights phone call or anything. So wait they did. Once in a room (Weighing 20.9) Rittmeyer says "wow, i sure wish i could have ultra sounded that bubble last night" .... you know the bubble he decided the night before wasn't an emergency. When Joel confronted him about a more active treatment plan, the response was only "well when are you scheduled to come back?... we will just see you then and re-evaluate." Joel left angry and now more than ever full of hope for the new doctor in Jacksonville.

So today the much anticipated Jacksonville Dr's appointment arrived! We got up early and the girls were so organized and quiet as they gathered their things for the bus. They knew what today held and they must have sensed the bucket of emotion i was toting. Off they went and then we headed out too. arriving early is a rarity for me but we were and then they saw us early! No way! This was great! Dr's offices never see you early! Great chat in with the nurse and he explained the process to us and was very welcoming and even gave us some pediasure peptide samples.... then came back with a cup of ice and a chocolate flavored original pediasure for Luke :) totally made Luke's day :) then the Dr came in. first words out of his mouth no lie. " I have carefully reviewed Dr Rittmeyers notes and Logan's chart. To be Honest i wouldn't have done anything differently." Strike one for new doctor.  We went through the whole growth discussions and he says "some kids catch up in adolescence", "its hard to gage kids at this age" we talked about the nutrition plan and i pulled out the notes from my visit... (every time i go to anyone regarding Logan's care i jot things down along the way, weight-height and things i want to remember. every time i got ready to write the Dr would tell me to stop that he would get me a print out. I'M GOING TO WRITE IF I WANT TO OLD MAN!) The conversation continued with the description of Logan being proportionate and yes not on the charts but they have down a pound of weight gain in the last week..... WHOA, WHAT? i just said that i write everything down so i flip thought and at Joel's visit he weighed 20.9, then at my nutrition appt he weight 21, then today they have him at 21.10... as exciting as this could be they are three different scales. and for the kid who hasn't grown in 11 months i need to be versed on how in the world this is possible. HE says it just happened. STRIKE TWO. After nine months this whole growth thing quit happening consistently. What changed? What is different? What do i keep doing? "well lets just continue to monitor and see what happens" STRIKE THREE. We are "monitoring his care" every four weeks here with RIttmeyer and this new guy wants to see us every 8. he recommended one procedure that Rittmeyer hasn't ever done and we will move forward with that and this doctor did a manual exam to be sure there was no current rectal blockage. but then said to track calories--which we are, and continue to be gluten and dairy free, because he is a completely healthy little boy. "Well may have an absorption issue, or maybe delayed growth, but otherwise VERY healthy"

Joel says his diet is not normal, and if this is very healthy then we don't know what healthy is. After talking about it on the way home, we didn't get anything different from this doctor than we got from Rittmeyer here. This doctor seems to be less aggressive and says "he just one of those tough cases to diagnose".  Totally a bust. I had put so much stock in rearranging the game plan today. And Instead we are making an appt with Dr Stone and DR Rittmeyer to regroup. IT felt like that same thing just happening on a different day. At lunch Joel and i struggled to even recall what we gathered from the appointment. We were in awe of how we were able to from the beginning watch our hopes shatter. One more day with no positive steps taken. I put away 12 months jeans because we deemed them too short... but they say he hasn't grown. 18-24 months pants wont stay around his waist and i just bought him a 12 month shirt but he Gained a pound. Nothing is adding up. Nothing makes sense. I'm watching him root on the couch next to me as he toot toot toots. something still isn't right.

By the way Lorelei's Bullous Myrigitis? Yea it turned into a busted ear drum and she is in some decent pain! Joel has strep and tonsillitis and had to post pone his wisdom teeth surgery because his fever was so high... wisdom teeth oh yea, i broke one while eating eggs. Yep eggs. it just how my luck is running these days. Instead of fixing it the dentist thought she would just pry it from my head theat very visit. And then Joel's doctors called back to request a blood test for mono. I am seriously up to my eye balls right now. I'm not going to say that i can't take anymore because then God will show me MORE. I'm juggling as gracefully as i can. i am chanting the 23 psalm in my head.

"The Lord is my Shepard i shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restore my soul.  He leads me in paths of righteousness for His names sake. Even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me..."

it keeps playing in my head over and over. i remember the man that wrote these words once standing in front of a giant with only a few stones. HE KNEW the situation and still pressed on. Only believing that God was bigger. No armour he wore, No sword did he carry. The Joy of the Lord was his strength.

 I'm putting a lot of scripture into a pile in those statements, but its flowing that way for me right now. Peace may not come to me right away, but Joy will come in the morning. And will return the following morning. I have to reach out and take it. I have to crave it. My hole has to be full of dirt and i have to refuse to climb back in. Joy in every moment has to be my strength. I'm not sure at this point I'm learning something on a level i grasp. I'm not sure i could ever fully understand the Joy of the Lord. I know that i cant understand his patience or his command not to worry because he never sleeps of slumbers. Hes in control. i hear it echoing as he complies scriptures to say what i need to hear in my head, but i am struggling to listen. I'm struggling to put it all in print so i have to admit that i hear it. I am struggling to admit right now that i cant fix this. I cant go to the ends of the earth to find out the WHYS? if He isn't ready for me to know yet.

Dear God, You know my heart. I am broken. I am weary. I stand with arms open wide, ready and waiting. IF its the right stone to be chosen make everything around the fleece dry and make the fleece wet. If it is a different sling to be chosen then make the fleece wet and everything around it be wet. Make the walls fall from the inside out, so that all will see it was You and only you.  I need to see you in big ways. Thank you for this sweet child that was such a surprise to us and thank you for how you are using him to teach us. Please give me the peace to handle caring for him gracefully and please give him comfort. In your most precious name we pray, Amen

 riding his tricycle today

 we have added peanut butter to everything! HE LOVES IT!

 Its how we roll,  you know :)

 first xray with large gas bubble and obvious impaction

the top right part of the chest is where the gas pocket was/is you can see noticable reduction, and see those bones :) plus every divit in his intestines? this was cool to see for me... i hadnt ever been able to see them before  :)

Failure

i have been intending to write about the last three weeks events for about... well three weeks. Truth? I have so many emotions about everything right now i wasn't sure how i would say it all, or what it would leave with you after you read it. So right now, i am saying up front, i am raw. No flowery words or long thought out presentations. Just me.

Yesterday I posted a quote from Hitler on FB. Not because i am a fan of Hitler--I come from a long line of Germans and my grandfather would be disappointed to say the least-- but because the quote stuck out to me. 

"Anyone can handle victory. Only the mighty can handle defeat" -- Adolf Hitler

As i type this, and the reason that today is any different that the days that passed the calendar for the three weeks prior to my typing this, I feel defeated. 24 hours ago i was claiming that i had Almighty power in my midst and this was just going to be a recollection for me. This wasn't lasting...IT couldn't really be lasting...

Rewinding to the Wednesday that we decided to do the hospital admittance for Logan. August 15th. It was my sisters birthday. *side note: Lexi was born on Joel's grandfathers birthday, Lorelei was born on Joel's dad's birthday, Luke almost drowned on my dad's birthday, and Logan was hospital bound on Katie's birthday. Just so you know i am no vetoing my family's aging. I can't have more babies so it seems just negative is coming of it* Logan, Luke and i sat in the room with the Barbie like PA and went thru the symptoms, yet again. Same symptoms, no weight gain, just another day. As she began to tell me that we would just begin the enema series again and I jumped in and said NO. I cant do that to him again. SO she sends us off to xray.... yep this is when we learned that the clump had now become a mass that was base ball sized.

The PA, Logan, Luke, and i sat down in her office to discuss her New Plan. Dr Rittmeyer happened to be rounding the corner and she called to get him to join us. She explained that i had done every thing that had asked me to do and the mass did nothing but grow. With no haste he said "OK lets admit him." when i gathered my shock from the floor and asked to have a day to make arrangements for my other kids. Then i called all of our parents and cried during each moment of every conversation. Joel took the day off of work- i was super grateful because i wasn't sure with such short notice that was going to work. We wrote notes to teachers and carefully put the girls on the bus, the dropped Luke off with Stacy, and we were off.... to what we weren't quite sure but we were off.

Arrived, checked-in and waited. A nurse came in about thirty minutes later with tubes, tape and extra hands. They wrapped Logan in a big blanket to keep his hands still and then they ran a tube up his nose that continued into his belly. They started the fluid and then we waited. It took a good while to get anything and then we got a "good movement" and we were so excited! Then Nothing... then more nothing. Nana came up to relieve us for a quick lunch then we went back to waiting.

About 4am on Saturday morning, Logan woke up soaked. His linens were wet, his shirt was wet, Joel was wet because he was a little to close when the explosion came. The liquid came without ceasing for about two hours. J and I were expecting actual poop.... this was not what we got. In my mind i continued to compare it to a mountain. You see the beauty of the stream running down but you don't see the slow erosion of the mountain underneath. Well i was praying the erosion was steady even if slow.

We were released about 7pm Saturday night. Exhausted but apparently cleaned out.

we had a follow up appointment on the up coming Thursday where we hoped to discover what was next. At this appointment we decided to change the mirilax routine and to do a "gluten challenge" on the 6th of September.

We changed the mirilax routine and challenged the gluten to prove... that his belly swells full of gas when he eats gluten and he gets cranky and clearly uncomfortable. His bowel schedule is still not what he needs it to be and that is beyond frustrating.

Lorelei needed to see Dr Stone our pediatrician on Wednesday because of what i suspected to be an ear infection... it was an ear infection but a way more painful nasty one. She has Bullous Myringitis, aka a blister on her ear drum.  Although it was a pretty clear diagnosis it gave me a chance to pick Dr. Stones brain about what is going on with Logan. We chatted and looked at Logan's growth curve and He wanted to know what supplements Logan was on to increase his weight.... WHAT??? WE AREN'T ON ANYTHING!!

So on the way home i prayed about how to chose my words for the appointment with Dr. Rittmeyer the next day. I asked for God to give me the right questions and to help me ask them in a way that would not be offensive but get me the answers i need for my kid.

Appointment day comes. still no weight gain. The PA says she probably wouldn't have done the gluten challenge just yet because his body wasn't ready. WHAT?? then she notes that he hasn't gained weight, and we discuss his current movement schedule. which right now is two or three movements one day, then nothing the next day, then one, then three... its inconsistent, and nowhere near where it needs to be. So she suggested enemas again... know what i said?? Yep! No. We are doing a mirilax clean out instead so that we can be sure that the super stretched bowl doesn't fill back up again. Then i ask her about the growth

She goes back to her office and plots his "progress" then comes back and says..." I hate this term but he is 'failure to thrive" Please know that at this point i had totally prepared for this diagnosis. I knew that my son has not grown in 11 months. The label isn't what concerns me at this point in the game... its the solution or lack there of.

We then discussed pediasure and how much and what it was for etc. What i didn't mention about my initial return after the hospital visit is that despite the drain that took place in his little body, there was a 3 ounce weight gain. I asked if it was possible bloat and they promised me that it was gain. That 3 ounce weight gain did not stick. Bloat or not bloat its gone. Dr Rittmeyer projected a ONE POUND weight gain before i returned in three weeks. No WEIGHT GAIN.

We left with growth chart, a poop schedule to track, a script for more mirilax, and a pediasure plan of action.

i spent $50 on pediasure and began giving it to him yesterday afternoon. The diahrea began shortly after. During the last few months that is nothing far from normal, but after another pediasure this morning and the runs continued i did more review... My dairy free child has been drink milk based pediasure. I trusted that the recommendation was what he needed--- i should have read the bottle more carefully.

I have called and spoken to a nurse that has never seen us and knows nothing about our case and "cant access his chart at this moment", then called the on call PA that is not the PA that i have dealt with either... and they decide that i need to for go the pedia sure all together until Monday. I continue with the clean out as discussed and they will leave a note for me to be contacted on MONDAY.  During our conversation we talked about a dairy free version of pediasure and she informed me that it was really expensive. When we began this journey with Logan, Joel's parents told us cost was no deterrent... So i inquired about the cost and asked if i could just pay out of pocket while we fought insurance...."well lets just wait for now, but if he poops again call me and ill get ahold of DR Rittmeyer"..... Do you mean that you called the on call PA that doesn't know us when the Dr was across the street at the hospital doing rounds??!!!!! Absolutely not OK. We are flushing this weekend... every reason why we would need to be in taking more calories.

Dr Rittmeyer sat down and played cars on the floor with Logan when we were doing the hospital clean out. I really liked how kind he was when i cried uncontrollably during the biopsies while my husband was in France. Today however... i feel like i failed my child because i didn't comb through the Dr office instructions. i am angry. I feel very defeated.

Ironically Hitler committed suicide when faced with defeat. Apparently it is only the "mighty" or the Almighty rather that can handle defeat.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6

"come to me when you are weak and weary. Rest snugly in My everlasting arms. I do not despise your weakness, My Child. Actually it draws me closer to you because your weakness stirs up My compassion- My yearning to help. Accept yourself in weariness, knowing how difficult your journey has been. Do not compare yourself with others , who seem to skip along their life paths with ease. Their journeys have been different from yours, and i have gifted them with abundant energy. I have gifted you with fragility, providing opportunities for your spirit to blossom in my presence. Accept this gift as a sacred treasure: delicate yet glowing with brilliant light. Rather than struggling to disguise or deny your weakness, allow Me to bless you richly through it." --Sent to me by a friend Reference unknown.

Im hungry, I promise

As a kid my grand mother used to always remind me not to let my eyes get bigger than my stomach. I had a really bad habit-especially at my mimmy's house- of seeing all of the amazing things prepared for dinner and filling my plate... and filling my plate... and filling my plate.

Claiming to be hungry enough to finish every bite never fooled my family. I am an eater. I LOVE FOOD. However, i would end up eating that plate full for dinner, midnight snack, and possibly lunch the next day. She never threw it out . She never reminded me of my choice to take on too much.

On this day i registered my 5 year old for Kindergarten. Lorelei has been counting down the days until school all summer,and today worked best for me to turn in the paper work since it was just me and Logan. My mom had the rest of the kids so it would be a quick thing... HA! Not. I ll finish up this part of the story at the end, just remember that i had plans for my morning!

This morning was Logan's follow-up GI appointment @ 7:45 am requiring he and I to leave by 6:30 from the Hill. Seriously in the waiting room for an hour and a half. While we sat there and Logan entertained the other guests, lol, i saw so many other kids that were sick. Some of them had severe birth defects, some of them were fine until something spooked them and it took every ounce of that parents physical strength to restrain and resettle them. So many of those parents just watched Logan playing peacefully, and told me how sweet he was and how blessed i was to have him. All the while in the back of my head i was thinking of the numbers i hoped for him to acheive on the scale, or the imaginary x-ray that would come back. My mind was on what we could get done today. The List of great things I was going to have to report back to you. Not on how really great i have it with my little guy. Spoon one of mashed potatoes.

Once in the room, the PA( that i have already told you is trendy, Barbie Like, and bubbly) and i discuss step by step the original treatment plan and the after effects of the plan.

                                                Day one: enema followed by miralax four times a day for two days

                                                Day Three: Enema again followed by miralax once a day everyday                                                  until we went for follow up.

That being said. We had a few days of "chunky poop" and then went back to explosive diarreah. First enema had almost no noticable movement. Then second enema had a few quick poops with in the first hour then back to the diarreah. based on the amount of blockage, it didn't seem like it had been processed thru to me. I was watching his diapers like a crack addict watches the corner! I was at a loss. Confessing to the PA and now Dr Rittmeyer, who had joined us, that i wondered if i was missing something, or was i telling them the wrong symptoms, could I have done the enema wrong, where i had i dropped the ball in figuring this out??? Both of them quickly urged me to stop asking questions until we had pictures. If i HAD missed something it would be clear in a matter of minutes after the xray came back. I agreed that fretting obvoiusly was taking us no where. Add some gravy here.

Logan and i walked to the imaging center, and during registration he stuck out his little arm to get his bracelt before she had even mentioned it. He knew after the jewels were on we walked to the xray waiting area and then he reached up and took the lady's hand, motioning to me with the other because we had business to take care of. So still on the xray table, talking all the time about what he saw around the room. This week his language has really blossomed and has been really fun for us to hear. Chatting while the lights flashed and getting redressed and then the solomn walk back to the dr was upon us. No more speculating. It was time to know what was still in there or if i was just a fruit cake!OOOOO I love green beans~ can i have a spoon full? Grab that scoop with the ham chunk in it!

We claimed our fast pass - its 11 am now- and we walked into the office to meet with Rittmeyer and The PA. Logan grabs his blanket and lays down on the floor. He is spent. They both begin to point and explain the xray and there were hints of good news but not many. Thinks DID move. It is clear that the intestines now have more gas in them than before. Keep in mind that this gas-if passed- causes pain for a good while before it vacates. The rectum is still SWOLLEN. Logan "cramps" all the time now since he is on the Miralax. That is what miralax is for and long term we want his rectum to be able to do this function naturally on its own. The problem now is that, with the amount of blocked stool, the rectum cannot contract properly. There is a noticable difference in the pictures but only because things shifted, not because they "moved". Keep in mind they call "bowel movements" when the toxins completely vacate your body... No eviction notices have been issued in this case. New plan of action.

                                               Day One: enema followed by magnesium citrate every four hours (1.5 ounces each dose)24 hours after first enema administer enema #Two. Followed by         miralax 3/4 cap full four times during that 24 hour period. 24 hours later enema # three, followed by maintanance miralax once or twice a day. After this is complete would should begine to see solid bowel movements with in a week. if this is not the case, we return to dr.

I havent told you yet, but We are losing weight again. So in four weeks assuming this cleanse works, the job now is to determine actually what caused such a blockage to form, whether we maintain the current diet restrictions and how we can help him catch up and turn the loss into gain. I want two thighs and a leg please... extra crispy with that special cajun seasoning!

Finally leaving, i call my mom and ask if i have exhausted her yet or if i can still swing by the school. She says to continue on my plan and so I stop and the school. The school that because it is a little after noon is closed for lunch. SERIOUSLY??!! Head hung in frustration from waking up the sleeping baby and walking to the door to discover a closed sign, i decide to just head home. I get home and remember that after our picnic i shattered the jelly jar in my lunch bag and we dont have enough lunch meat for 7 of us.SOOOO, i make the peanut butter sandwich call... the complaining begins... and then my mom says LETS JUST GO TO MCDONALDS! PEACE! I JUST NEED PEACE FOR A MINUTE! Lol as if the Mcdonalds play place is going to provide this for her i pack up and we head that way. She suggests while she lets the kids burn off their energy i take another stab at the primary school. This time i take Luke, because he has just about worn NANA out today.  Paper work neatly in my envelope and feeling prepared i push lukes stroller in the office and begin to fill out the form that has to be signed in front of a witness. She makes copies, i submit my forms and documents, then she says Lorelei's shots arent up to date. Wait, yes they are... UGH but her shot record doesnt reflect said shots. I made sure to get the E.E.D. form but didnt request a current shot record. So we pick mom and the troops up and drive back into Savannah to obtain this peice of paper. The school closes at 3:30, i arrive in at Dr Stones at 3:20. Thankfully since the majority of the paperwork was there Lorelei is being accounted for. My littlest girl is counted in the Kinder group for next year...  Pie??!! Where? what kind? There is room!

I worked tonight. Joel had dinner with a customer. Mom kept the kids.

Driving to work i had a good cry. Im not sure where it came from or what exactly i was crying about, but it felt good. I realized that althought my plate is Full, and right now i dont feel the slightest bit hungry its ok. I dont have to eat it all.

 I just need to find the hunger.

No one ever said that being a mom was going to be easy. Gut wrenching probably wouldnt be websters definition, but neither is ALONE. If i sit down at the table and eat this meal for the next few weeks, He will never remind me how much i am juggling right now. He will never tell me that i cant finish it by myself. My eyes wont end up being bigger than my stomach because i will begin to CRAVE HIM. The more i devour HIM and the words before me, the smaller and smaller my plateful looks. Even if He is lifting my fork due to my absolute exhaustion, it will all get done. It will all be purposed in His name.

"in spite of all we have done, if we only believe...

who am i that you are mindful of me, that you hear me when i call

is it true that you are thinking of me, how you love me

its amazing!"

(I am a friend of God,lyrics)

"I am finding myself at a loss for words, and the funny thing is, its okay. the last thing i need is too be heard, but to hear what You would say. Word of God speak! Pour down like rain, washing my eyes to see Your majesty. to be still and know that You are in this place. Please let me stay at rest in Your Holiness

im finding myself in the midst of you. Behind the music behind the noise. all that i need is to be with you and in the quiet hear your voice. Word of God speak....

--MercyMe

I have read books about the incredible journies that women have been on while carrying children knowing they are fighting extreme odds. I have met women that have burried children that never beat those odds. I have nothing that extreme to carry. The women that God has made them along their journies however is a woman i can only aspire to be.

I never will be able to watch my kid suffer with out suffering with him. But the woman i will become in the process i hope is indescribable.

in the end i am not the only one that has had to watch my son suffer, knowing the agony, knowing the outcome was most likely not pleasant. He DID. HE WATCHED FOR ME. HE wept as His son suffered. Just like me. He too understands the parents perspective, yet still finds strength to carry me.

all of a sudden my plate doesnt seem so full.

can you see how it has shifted? the "triangle" shaped part closest to his legs is his rectom. can you see that it is darker in todays photo? do you see the gas(any black spots in the abdomen)? he is still pretty full, and his rectom is too swollen and packed to do its "job". Please pray for my little man.

  "if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea', and it will be done"? Matthew 21:21

"Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit" says the Lord of Hosts. What are you, O great mountain? Before Zerubbabel  you will turn into a plain.  And He will bring forth the Corner Stone to the shouts of "grace, grace be upon it!"
Zechariah 4:6-7



A new way of life!

Yesterday at breakfast Logan screamed the entire meal.

I made him a special waffle and a banana. Usually he would love these foods, but the rest of us (6) were having pancakes. Sigh it was horrible, knowing all he wanted was a pancake. I felt like I was getting a grip on it just the night before, now I felt defeated.

I have gotten such amazing response from my Facebook friends and family! Thank you!

Okay I started that post a few days ago and it never got finished. Sorry.I feel like I spend the majority of my time preparing meals. When I'm not in the kitchen I'm probably working to pay for this new crazy expensive diet. I sit here in the drs office -blogging on my phone!loving it-- waiting for answers....

now sitting at home after what seemed to be a very busy few hours. At the top of our day we were putting gluten free pancakes in a zip lock bag and filling a cup with soy milk to take with us to the dr. Logan hadn't slept well last night and well neither had we. So at 6 when we were trying to quietly get ready and he began to scream it was odd. He just laid on the bathroom floor watching us buzz around. It was particularly odd to me because i have noticed a distinct different in him the last few days. He is eager to eat and seems happier and more playful. Those feelings aside, we packed up in two cars and were off. Thankfully mom stayed the night(and walked with Logan quite a bit last night) so she would wake up and care for the other kids while we were away. Joel and I were both on edge. We were snippy, he was focused on what was going on at work while we were at the dr and my stomach was in knots. 7:30 appointments are great because you get right in! although the dr asked me, post procedure, to come in today at 7:30 he failed to notify his office staff- what i learned was that it really doesn't matter because no one else in the world picks 7:30 appointments so there was room for us lol.

we go back and they place in a room then the moment of truth.... He weighed 20.12 pounds!!!! DO you remember what he weighed last week?? 20.2!! very exciting folks!!! So i am just beside myself, while my husband wonders if i have smoked the happy pipe on my way to the dr! WE try to get Logan to eat a few different things that i have packed and he just isn't interested. I'm thinking GGGRRRREEAAAATTT here we go again. just as I'm struggling to keep this little boy entertained in the office this Nurse Practitioner that looked like she was cut out of a magazine walks in, introduces herself and hops on the table.

side note: i had waited 2 months to see my GI doctor and last Monday i saw a P.A. and NOT my dr because they were over booked, so this could have gone either way for this lady. I had half a mind to say "um may we see the dr??"

Turns out-- SHE WAS AWESOME! She had read thru our chart and was familiar with what we were doing/dealing with. We discussed the changes in him that i had noticed, first. I was kinda glad it happened this way because she knew the numbers i did and what we had recently changed in his diet as well. Then the bomb comes. He is NOT positive for Celiac DISEASE. HE has very good indicators, but the DISEASE was not evident. WAIT!! WHAT??

she went on to say that he has places on his esophagus that almost look burnt. The "erosion's" on his tummy appear to be from acid reflux caused by something else. However... they are something we must tackle. The weight gain was probably due to the gluten free diet. Just because he doesn't have to DISEASE doesn't mean his body knows how to process gluten correctly. So for now we remain gluten free. 12 ounces in a week could translate into 2 pounds in a month-- i am seriously barely containing my excitement!!

next step. when we hear negative test results but remain gluten free we are both grappling for the "then what is its". i didn't say i liked last weeks proposed fix, but it was supposed to be just that-- a fix. The nurse practitioner with the Drs blessing suggests we walk over to the place we had the procedures done Friday and get an x-ray done because they have a theory. I am not going to lie and say that i wasn't thinking "do you understand how expensive your theory last week was" but those thoughts were quickly quieted by... you guessed it 12 OUNCES!

So we nodded, took the paper work and headed across the street. Meanwhile Joel suggests that i see this great Dr Rittmeyer because of how quickly he has declared war on Logan's condition! We arrive, register and get the x-ray done. Then i ask the lady if there is something i can take with me to give to the dr since we were headed back there right away. She says "oh, its digital! It was there immediately after i took it!" Wow! this technology stuff is spiffy!

The Nurse Practitioner told us that returning for dr ordered x-rays was like having a Disney world fast pass-- it was! i know several of you are Disney addicts so i thought i would share our Disney like adventure today :) We walked in and the lady behind the little glass door that is normally not friendly poked her head out and said"WHITE? Returning from x-ray? come on back!"

Just then i smell the most horrifying odor... nothing like standing in a drs office trying to listen to explanation with a kid that smells like dog poop. The Dr and Nurse Practitioner both stand eagerly with a few more lab results that have just arrived and the x-rays. 

ALL TEST RESULTS ARE NEGATIVE! PRAISE GOD! still remain diary free until our next visit and gluten free until further notice. Don't change anything in the process of elimination.

The xray however was far from clear. Logan's rectum, small intestine and beyond are FULL. i am going to post a photo and tell you that in the top of the photo are his lungs, that are black. Black in this case signifies air. His intestines, rectum and colon should have all presented as black to my understanding... they are white. meaning (again to my understanding) they are full of poop.

Can you see how distended his belly is? Now my first thought was how can someone who has had diarrhea for 9 months have clogged intestines?! Well this is how. We are not sure to the WHY yet but they were as informative as one can be about the how. If you hold in a bowel movement too long your colon stretches a little bit to make room for more, and then it can happen and happen. Then the more full it gets the less it can contract to push food out. she was making motions with her hands that helped me to grasp and it looked similar to a uterus in labor. Then when the colon isn't pushing things out and it eventually gets to the rectum-which is supposed to always be empty because of the sensations in the rectum- it isn't moving very quickly either. Now things aren't moving because it is too solid to flow properly,AND the exit is blocked! Any one in this position quits wanting to even go because it would be uncomfortable!! now a situation is created that only LIQUID can get around these blockages.... hence creating diarrhea. she explained it like white rapids. water with no rocks moves slowly, water running over jagged rocks moves quickly and can be abrasive! so that explains his "blow outs". When looking at the xray you can see those black funny lines in his tummy--- she guessed those are very probably gas :(  Gas trapped there would be incredibly painful for someone his size with these blockages. So although we don't know why it happened, we fix it now. Tomorrow morning i will begin the "cleansing". One enema tomorrow then mucilax for two days 4 times a day, then another enema on Monday, followed by fiber everyday until my next drs visit in three weeks.

3 weeks from now, we hope that things will be better. Obviously we hope for weight gain( i understand shedding all of this stuff inside will lighten him up temporarily), but then we hope for consistency in bowel texture and for less bloating. WE continue gluten free until further notice in case that did indeed fail to be processed normally causing the blockages to form. The kicker is however that Soy milk increases the risks of these things forming, so we may reintroduce dairy in three weeks. Slowly of course, but Joel will be very pleased. Joel is a huge milk drinker and he is a firm "does your body good" believer. I think he can handle gluten free, but milk free forever would have made Joel really sad for Logan!

"As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him" John 9: 1-3

after a long morning!

a few from the fourth