When she smiles

"This is the story of a girl, who cried and drowned the whole world. While she looks so sad in photographs, I absolutely love her, when she smiles"  --Nine Days, Absolutely(story of a girl)

The dynamic around here changed by what some would consider a small adjustment; I mean what is one more. Oh, you've got jokes?!

Haley moved here roughly six weeks ago. I have been through 5 years of these Gonser kids who have claimed my heart, but this one will redefine me.

Across the table, Alexis is writing a short story about a young child training for a war. The story seems to be along the hungry games story line, but is interestingly my life currently.

Rewind to August 27, Calebs 16th Birthday. I took Alexis and Lorelei to the dentist. Caleb of course tagged along to get a drs note so he could skip on his birthday. I pull out of the middle school and receive a call from the High School. "Mrs Gonser? Are you close by the school? Can you come right now?"

I am then informed that Haley is in the nurses office and had vaped something. What we aren't sure, but we are confident she is sick, very sick. What is scariest is that she DID NOT KNOW what it was she ingested. Scarier still is that the next two hours she got higher and then crashed. If you are judging us as parents now, fine, but heed the rest of this because I promise your kids have sat next too or used a vape. 4/6 of my kids see a vape or sit next to a student vaping every day. On a school bus, in a school bathroom, or sneaking out to a school parking lot to an unknown students car.

When "Luke" talks about screaming and gnashing of teeth, I am certain I can begin to imagine that because I have teenagers. Bedrooms are a privilege, taken.  Hide a bed sleeping indefinitely. Social life= none. We are in counseling, had eye appointments, have dental work scheduled, new retainers ordered (she chewed through them), psychiatric evals and the list goes on. Her number one request is to lay in my bed and watch Napoleon Dynamite. She misses her mom like crazy. Spills her guts sometimes like projectile word vomit. Fire inside her is so intense sometimes you must get burned to find the point of ignition.

10 days of suspension, with a hefty potential of heading to the alternative school. Both of us were crushed. There were tears and plenty of gut wrenching conversations as we plotted the what ifs to come. We prayed. I prayed. Her small group leaders prayed. Her youth pastors prayed. She shouted and pleaded with us all to take it from her. Owning her actions was one thing, but facing the somewhat sealed fate was almost unbearable. Suspension, Hurricane, Lack of Hurricane, lead us to the hearing we had dreaded.

The hearing officer saw my face and quietly acknowledged shopping in my store and sharing stories about our kids for many moons. Gentle peace. The spunky Blonde that was the AP in charge of our case smiled boldly each time Haley struggled to speak with courage. Confidence almost flooded across the table into Haley's lap, and she commented later on how calming it was. Adjourning for the decision recess felt eternal. Crying in the waiting room, we decided that no matter the outcome, we would be ok.

Floating would be the best way to describe finding myself  back in the conference room. "Listen to me very clearly, I am adding 10 days to your suspension." Suspension means back to the HIGH SCHOOL! The officer was very clear but very peaceful. She spoke in a way Haley would not only understand, but also process and carry those words with her.  Firm rules and contracts to uphold, but a challenge in learning coping skills and proper friend choices ahead.

Rounding out my Tuesday was an Email from Caleb's teachers because he has 4 F's. Chasing that email into the mailbox was Luke's teacher remarking on his refusal to comply.

"Mom? Can you gel my hair tomorrow?" "Oh! Can I have a high pony?" "Wait! Mom its homecoming can you wash my wildcat shirt?"

Yes. Yes I can. I am all in. What ever that means. Promise me that when we wake up tomorrow we can smile full of joy and rejoice that today is done.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

Journey

Rounding the corner of the drop of line; I am hounding Lex about being on my phone totally absorbed. As she climbs out, I yell BYE I LOVE YOU as loudly as I can over and over. She has a huge grin on her face but isn't going to respond. The teachers working car line then call to her and make her turn around and tell me she loves me.

Of course, I promptly honked and signed to her that I love her to just add insult to injury. Daily I am hit with the realization that its going to fast. 9 school days. 8 of the fastest weeks happen during summer vacation. Then we start school again. There is not a pause button.

I used to believe that time moving so quickly meant that I was losing them. Not sure exactly why I believe that they magically disappear or something, but I am over come with emotion thinking about the day when they chase dreams outside of my four walls. As we work through logistics of Haley maybe joining our full-time roster, I struggle to believe I have to time to spread. What will I miss with one kid because I am with another? How can I be in the stands at every event? Lexi was notorious for forgetting her shoes for cross country, Caleb forgets his wrestling clothes consistently, Logan got the Flu the week of Caleb's knee surgery. How in the world will I have the time to be the Mom they NEED?

Nine days from now I will stare into a six foot four sophomore. When he started the fifth grade here, it was one of the hardest academic years I had ever done with my kids. Learning the new grading scales, carving out a learning plan that was specific to his needs, and learning to become his teachers pen pals. Several times that year I didn't believe I was adequate. More than that I wasn't sure I could help him get where he needed to be.

In the midst of a heart breaking few weeks on the other side of the country we've prayed and prayed about the transition that seems to be coming. A change of environment, removal of bad choice friends, and a pretty strict rule change.  I come back to the place of uncertainty that I am enough. Chris has a crazy work schedule that has him coming and going. My career is beginning to take off. can I really do this?

Encouragement comes from near and far, yet I have to find "ok" all in myself. In the moments of teenage arguing and the slamming of doors I have to know I can do it. Those doors that slam are pretty promptly removed from their hinges or locked with keys preventing access and as the kid sits defeated in the hall way, I have to know that I have enough to rebuilt them.

As a parent, learning to parent a teen from a Caleb perspective has taught me so much. My first teenage experience would have been Alexis and God being so humorous, handed me a male version of myself to live through first. But if I can pinpoint TWO things: He loves BIG, and he is the most resilient person I know.

My fear was that if we move Haley here that Caleb would move back. His need to protect his mom's heart is real. He doesn't want her to be alone, at all. High school and credit requirements make it a little more difficult to change once you start.(Hence why H needs to move this summer if we are moving). Wednesday night as Chris was flying to see Haley, Caleb wrapped his arms around me tight enough that my forehead was pressed against his chest. "I am not going anywhere. I heard you tell dad that you are concerned about whether or not I am leaving. I heard on the radio in Ms Anne Marie's car today that step parents want better definition. The message was that you have an impact no matter what I call you. I love you."

Five years ago this kid thought it was weird that I hugged him "a lot". It was weirder that we said I love you often. Now he waits for me to come home so he and Alexis can climb in my bed and watch TV. He sat outside my door for two hours as I talked to Chris Wednesday night to be sure he could tell me what he heard on the radio.

He has taught me that although the journey may be long that I can cinch my boots in a little tighter and be ok. There are not guide books, no defined trails, but forging through believing in the beauty at the top.

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, They shall mount up with wings of eagles, They shall run and not be weary and they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Moments

My sister shared beautiful, eloquently spelled out emotions tonight. Raw, candid, and carefully arranged feelings about what once was. Moments that are now memories.

In the midst of a season that is proving to be one of the hardest I have ever lived; I need to beg you to cherish each moment.

I remember my mother's voice shaking on the other end of the line as I sat on the cold, wooden floor unable to move. The pounding feet seemingly synced with my racing heart as I ran down the hall, still echo in my head. Questions I asked, haunt me as being so stupid and unnecessary. My grandmother, who was slowly slipping away from me, stood so confused as I packed my black suit and tried desperately to pack what I thought I might need. An event I had never attended in my life loomed in front of me. "I need to go now, dad". He took my keys and told me I was in no way driving myself to be with my sister. "We aren't losing you today too."

The three hour ride that normally contained music cranked too loud and excitement for the upcoming weekend, seemed to take days.

I am bigger than my sister. I am taller. I am stronger.

My job was to be the strong one. I drove for the next 7 days. I held her hand as my mom walked her through the paper work. I caught her as her knees buckled during 21 of the loudest shots I have ever heard. I wasn't the strong one at all that week.

As she wept, I packed all my emotions into a box and refused to feel. Feelings weren't what she needed from me. She would wake up screaming and I would hold her as she fell back asleep. Popping up in the middle of the night as the safe combination came back to memory, and then screaming out in anger as she couldn't get it to line up. As I would lay there next to her and try to imagine what life would be like; I was so scared for her.

She is the strongest woman I know. In the last 15 years, we have weathered nothing as daunting as death but have been on the edge of our seats clinging to each others hands. Watching Paige graduate. Signing my divorce papers. Burying three grandparents. Swallowing some diagnoses that I just sat numbly and heard as Kate said "you aren't ok. But call me when you are ready". When I tried to zip my wedding dress and it took Katie and my cousin Stephanie, we laughed and laughed.  When I got a job offer, Katie ran the numbers with me but also weighed out the emotional wreckage.

There is an amazing story behind Katie meeting her husband now, Pete. I will leave it to her to tell you, just not today. I gave a fantastic speech at her wedding if I do say so myself and still have my notes tucked into my drawer. We texted for hours last night over the way to design the centerpiece of my new table.

"daddy, go bye bye" is the most gut wrenching phase you can hear a two year old say. A screen door between a toddler and a red truck driving away is pain like no pain you can imagine. Those next six weeks, I saw my sister rise and conquer a whole new way of life. She is incredible. She is strong, She is not always my favorite person because she reads me like a book.

Cherish every moment. Painful moments. Joyful moments. Learning moments. The moments you believe you are at your worst, could be the moments someone sees your strengths. Moments you chalk up to failure could be the most impressive moments to a crowd you never saw. Moments can change out lives. Live your moments with purpose. Love in each moment with all that you are.

Don't tell her I like her please, at least, not today.

Littles to Middles and In Between

I just finished an article centered around the age transition of adorable toddlers to middles. Well I am here, and its weird and it smells funny!

One minute I am getting a text strand that compiles a grocery list including the ingredients for the meal plan this week. Fast forward to my arrival from work, where there is nail polish on the coffee table. A bowl of ramon next to MY bathtub, where my bath bomb jar was raided for a great bubble bath. 

* I need to insert here that my TEAM of sitters is amazing. Primarily because there are 5 kids. Five kids to feed. Five kids to over see home work. Five kids to keep from killing each other. If you don't get the picture here, message me for my address and I will give you a free lesson for understanding!*

During the text conversation with my child on the babysitter's phone; I parked at the middle school to pick up another child of mine. My van sits parked next to suburbans, small cars, and in perfect view of the large yellow school bus spilling sweaty boys. Yet I wait. And wait. And wait. Boys dragging duffle bags and sleeping bags pile into parent's cars as I wait. Unbuckling my seat belt, I climb out and head into the weather that has seemingly dropped 25 degrees since I left work. (exaggerating a little here, ok) There he stands. Several boys in full camo standing there exchanging stories of their journey. Can I be mad? I exchange a few pleasantries with the coaches and ask the questions I know wont get answered by the boy and then as the icicles form on my nose, call him to head home. "OH I DIDNT EVEN KNOW YOU WERE HERE!" Literally 6 feet from him, and he never knew I was there. Never have I heard a young man gush about a trip more than tonight. "I broke a kids elbow!" "There was no way he was really in my weight class" on and on until we got home. Then the face. The stone-cold-too-cool-to-talk face. The others asked questions and got grunts and shrugs. Yep, the teenage boy has returned.

He disappeared. Reappeared to eat, and then gone again. It was then that I discovered the nail polish.

The girls asked to play one round of go fish before bed and I invited the little boys to join us. "Mom, can Logan and I just finish this show instead" Sure dude! 15 minutes before bed!

So we play our game. Lorelei insists we are all cheating and watching her cards. Lex continues to ask for cards she doesn't even have just because it upsets Lorelei and I am just wishing the game would end. Rounding the corner on the last fishing request, Luke's eyes fill with tears. "Am I too late?", he asks. Lukie, it is time for bed my friend. "But mom I didn't get to play!"  Dealing with a minor moment of melting, I usher him to the kitchen for his night meds and they head towards their beds. Chris has only been out of town two days, but they all have a make shift bed made of blankets on my floor and rock-paper-scissors for the coveted empty spot in my bed.

Can we call poppy before bed?
Just one drink of Lemonade?
I should pee one more time!
My legs itch can I have my lotion?

NO! Its bed time! We have school tomorrow! Groans and arguments begin to fly out from over dramatic and tired children. Then like a shark attack I remind them that if we cant sleep well in moms room we have to go back upstairs... it quickly falls silent.  I grab my book and head to the TV room for a few minutes of winding down.

Laughter begins to carry through my house.... those aren't very sleepy noises I hear, I say as I make my way to the bedroom. Nothing was heard from the mothers mouth as Lorelei whipped her brother in the face with pajama pants and Logan laughed the deepest belly laugh and Lex lay there in panic. Panic? From the angle I approached she saw me first. Then Lorelei caught her sister in the corner of her eyes and froze like Elsa.

Is it bad that these are some of my favorite moments? I wish I could capture their faces. I wish so badly these are the faces that would scroll on a graduation video!

The boys now both pretended to be the most sound of sleepers. As I gave my stern mom speech and reminded Alexis of her nail polish and ramon in my bathroom; Lorelei cries. Cries because she is mad I am making them sleep. Cries because it isn't fair that they have to go back to school tomorrow. Cries because I should quit my job and homeschool them.

I promise I am not making anything up! This is really my life. Did I tell you the 6 foot, 14 year old wandered down and hugged me good night? Then was gone again!

Two of the five have attention disorders. Two of the five have coping needs that are lined out in formal diagnosis. One of them believes she is smarter than her momma, and probably is, but doesn't cover her tracks well. One of them is just really good at playing my heart strings.

They all not fight to take a shower. They all smell funny. None of them wash their hair well. They cant seem to all wear deodorant on the same day, and wear more body spray instead.

This is life. This is littles to middles and in between.

Instructions not included

What seems like lifetimes ago my job as a mom was to change diapers, maintain feeding schedules, pump my life away, and kiss boo boos. I wasn't naïve enough to believe that the craziness I lived wouldn't change. Telling you I knew this was coming? Nope.

It was my job then to teach them to love Jesus, help their precious minds to dream and protect them with every instinct I had. That is still true. There are nights I lay night to Lex and we talk until we laugh, and then we cry. My Lexi girl is smart. She gets a lot more than I think she does. Our kids don't like secrets; they like to feel confident and know what is coming next. Lolly needs structure: we get up at the same time, you have 5 minutes to put your shoes on or there are consequences, next pack your lunch... etc. Luke cries about everything. His heart is tender, so so tender. Bro? He is our comic relief! After worrying so long about what came next, sometimes his genuine belly laughter reminds me that things are ok. Caleb, is an adventure every day. Learning each other, learning his heart and trying to learn his ever growing mind. Haley is missed. WE write her letters and talk often on the phone.

I am not sure what you gathered but it is still my job to protect them with every instinct I have. Changing diapers passed with time but now making sure they have clothes and food rests here. Things I thought would be stable and reliable quickly changed. Say what you want, make your judgements but I ask you this... is my job not the same?

There are days I hit my bed and crash hard, because I worked all night or because I worked two jobs and can barely keep my eyes open. Babies that signed that they needed things got me amazing mom comments, but some how when you raise your kids differently from others you don't get Christmas cards any more. People don't know how to deal with the brokenness.

I am happily married and have laughed more in the last year than I can remember. My dad commented over thanksgiving that he has never seen me so happy and healthy. On a daily basis I cry out to God and ask him why I am so happy when I see the brokenness in my kids hearts. I beg him to heal them like I know only he can. Chris is amazing and one day my kids will get that it is the roll being filled not the one filling it. But why is it like that? What is there absenteeism? Why do I still struggle to protect their hearts?

This is what I have learned. I cant do any of it. Just like I can give my life to Christ and still be subject to satan's tempting, no matter how many walls I build my kids heart can still be broken. It is part of growing for both of us. Reminds me to rely on God to help their precious minds dream and to remember that there are boo boos I cant kiss. Keeps me mindful that sometimes, I am salt in that wound.

Emotions are hard for me. I don't talk well. Ironically however when I sit here at the keyboard things pour out. Maybe that why it has been over a year since I was here. Avoiding things makes them seem less real. About the time things regulate and we seem to figure things out my kids ride some unorthodox roller coaster and come home a mess. I work a lot. I am not going to tell you I am super available. I kiss them goodnight, I provide health Insurance, a steady pay check and every morning I am the first and last face they see before school.

As these kids redefine what "mom" means each day, I wonder how many of you are living this journey? How many of you feel like although things look differently than you imagined feel like it is a mountain you cant climb? I have an amazing climbing partner, yet understanding the emotional turmoil in my head is no easy feat.  Praying and venting are a regular part of my day. Sometimes I call my dad and say I just need to talk. When I am done he says are you finished? That was a mess? It doesn't have to make sense, there doesn't have to be contextual value.... I just need it out.

I ask you now to consider the person you might have passed today with a screaming child in Walmart, or maybe the person that pushed a shopping cart into a store in the mall where it didn't belong, or the five year old that was being carried because he cant handle a large crowd. Did you know their story? Could you have carried the five year old and everything those emotion issues entailed? Begging you now to listen before you speak and hear what is being said. Being a mom looks different on all of us and quite frankly feels different for all of us. This whole mom thing is hard.

Have a baby they said. Its beautiful they said.

The emotions you feel the first time you hold that precious child in your arms, are nothing compared to when its heart gets broken the first time.  Be patient as we navigate this together.

Where is Chapter 1?

When you have your first baby every one warns you that there is not an instruction book. No certain and defined path is pointed out. Only you can blaze the trail to what motherhood will be for you.

You think in those moments about the rolling over, the first steps, or  maybe the first words... All the while there is a lovely lullaby playing in your head to accompany what you think then will be the milestone moments in your child's life. Little did I know...

Four Deliveries, all different and four bright eyed blessings with very different personalities. Some things however, they feel the same. The displays of emotions may be VERY different but all the same feelings are represented. This last year has been all over the place. Their dad lives in a different place, I work full time and three of them are in SCHOOL! Logan goes to a wonderful daycare each day and ALL of them are thriving!

Joel and I are not together. That doesn't mean we aren't parents to four precious little people anymore. It just means we are parenting differently than we planned. Learning how do that requires a unique patience. They will learn with us as we learn.

We still live in our home in Georgia and are still enrolled in the same schools. There are different people and situations in our lives, but what is important is we are happy... I had been unhappy a very long time. Some times I think you guys knew I was more un happy than I did. But until I stopped long enough to acknowledge my emotions and pull my head out of the sand I wasn't going to get better. To hide it I withdrew from family and friends and tried to pretend I was okay. After a time, I needed to get healthy. I needed to get help sorting through what was wrong. "Get on medicine" wasn't a suitable solution for me. If I had truly been chemically unbalanced and needed medication to help--then fine. But I needed to clean house in my life.

Since my divorce some of the people I held dearest to me not only are gone, but have made valiant efforts to turn openly on me. Those things are fine. Through all of this I didn't just learn incredible lessons about myself. People show themselves in ways you never thought possible.

I have been promoted to a position that is salaried, with benefits and PTO that accommodates my littles much better. I am dating someone that is wonderful to my children and loves them immensely. I am happy. An emotion I haven't felt in a long time. Happiness is an emotion that is relative to what you desire. I have learned, I crave peace... my children also craved peace.

Crying out to God angrily so long because of the storm I felt I was living in. Being angry for not letting me rest even for a short time. Quoting scripture and clinging to it desperately. I was still so lost.  As I sit in the quiet living room, a movie playing as my background music and the smell of freshly delivered pizza wafting through the house I realize these are the milestones I never accounted for. Finding the peace after the storm is a process that doesn't end. Something I don't write on my calendar with an age next to it. It is something I write in an instruction book for the next courageous woman who endeavors on this journey not knowing what lies ahead. There is no book. There is no path. The fiery trail that is behind me is mine, there are none just like it. Behind each momma step there are four hearts full of faith forging with me .

The thing is, there is no sure thing tomorrow. If it weren't for the things I learned today, tomorrow wouldn't be what it could be. So for now I will rest in my peace. Peace that surpasses your understanding I am sure. But that is okay. My heart is full in a way, I never understood before. I pray that you too will understand what true peace is and what it feels like to be loved.

 

 

 

 

No Title Necessary

Change. Definition. Undefined.

I started this blog three years ago to follow our kids as they grew and to document things I never wanted to forget. To keep those near and far posted as they accomplished things and to watch them become the men and women God has planned for them to be.

Today is no different. 

I have been writing this in my head for weeks, unsure if there was a timeline I am supposed to follow or if I am not supposed to say a single thing. There are things I do want you to know.

The four precious blessings we were given to watch over while they are here with us on earth are ok. They are happy and healthy and adapting to a new normal.

Things I know now that I didn't then? I am not quite sure you can fathom nor take them all in over one blog posting. Some of you, as the outside-looking-in may never need to know, but some things I have learned about myself over the last year I will gladly pour out to you.

As a kid I watched my parents approach and re-approach being married. There were variables that ended up making that marriage not work but I watched them try. I watched my parents put career first, I watch my mom do what ever it took to survive sometimes and I watched them both look back with things they might have wanted to change.

My job became my sanctuary. I was unhappy and wanted things to change. Maybe it would be better if I made more money. Maybe if I meet new friends. Maybe if I am successful too. Searching for self worth can be the most damaging endeavor one can ever embark upon. Somewhere in trying to be the best mom I could be, I lost me. I lost being a wife. I lost being a healthy balance.

My friends became the only people I talked to. I needed a vent. Not to vent but just a slow stream of communication... grown up words, conversations relevant to what I was living each day. Somehow I was struggling to find that, and I started looking to fill that void in any activity I could find outside my house. MOPS, Bunco, anything that could take me away...

I found myself on a bottom bunk last July asking where it all went. There I was in the woods of east Texas scraping together conversations that should have flowed freely with gushing  details of my every moment of my favorite week of the year. Stress was at an all time high and it began to crash hard.  Coming home to a busy holiday season at work, tons of festivities at three different schools and 10 days of lone reflection.

We grew up together. But did we? Growing up happened. The together somehow got lost in the shuffle. Dreams of successful careers took shape, kids and life happened. As life changed around us it was pretty clear there were few options and it had to be fast. While our hearts broke, decisions were made. Things came to a close.

Over the last few weeks people have come out of the woodwork, to reach out and find out what happened. Truth is, what happened is ours. That is how it will stay and those are things we will preserve safely.

We love our kids more than life and will continue to grow to be the best parents we know how to be. With respect I ask that you love my children through this, and honor our right to keep what is privately ours just that.