there is light and an end to the tunnel

Four kids, two jobs, and a husband with a full work schedule. There is a lot on my plate right now. I am however not alone.
There are many moms that work and balance their kids with out a husband. Mom's that have loving husbands that are away defending my freedom. Kids that do not know where their parents are but have faith their providers are going to feed them. I really have it pretty good if you ask me.

Openly i have complained. well moaned and groaned. A lot.

today i want to tell you about the things that have helped me find LIGHT in every thing.

First and for most i am a firm believer that although God is always with us we run to Him when things stink. Well i didn't just run; i screamed. I was angry that he provided for me--- Really i was mad at Him for the opportunities here. i Figured if he hadn't provided we wouldn't have been here in the first place. I spent more time in the word preparing for kids worship, studying for bible studies etc than i had ever before--- yet Satan found this perfect opportunity to steal me away. Sometimes being married to a star wars guy we joke about "crossing over to the dark side" well let me tell you it is as scary as the movie presents it!

Gratefully, we were still attending church and i got to go be with the greatest girls at camp for a week. Spending a week with "tweenage girls" will change your perspective on ANYTHING! During that week God spoke to me as much as He spoke to those girls. Being with the other counselors is always awesome and uplifting. But these girls-- man you would envy me to be in the depths of those late night discussions. Privileged as i am i also got to spend that very same week with dear friends and 4 campers from last year that will always be near my heart. The SAME God that provided my husband with the job here-- provided me a week of prospective. He has continued to provide me with physical proof of His provision.

If you or anyone you know is a new mom or new to an area. SEND HER TO MOPS! This is a Christian organization that provides a safe places for moms to support each other. Attending the what i refer to as a "mega" church it was really hard to connect. MOPS has opened up a way for me to not only meet people, but to meet people in the same stage of life i am in. Plus given me the daily encounters with other God fearing women that i longed for. At the church we attended before there were several of us that had kids of similar ages, and would get together to play and chat-- a much needed outlet when you speak preschooler each day! Being involved with mops has slowly opened those doors back up for me.

Grateful can't explain how i feel about those very same women encouraging me when i moved here. My buds back home have never let me go. They continue to pray for me and are always bringing me back to wear i need to be. Thank you all Ladies.

reading other blogs written by other amazing women, reading books about grief and what God expects from me as a women have been excellent helps as well.

The most important thing tho, girls, is to remember that you are not alone, Ever. I still cry out my Savior in the middle of the night when one of my little ones isn't able to be consoled. There are also pals i can text/call when i am at my wits end in those moments. Cherish the special people God blesses you with to journey alongside. His provision isn't always measured in food and drink. i do love to share a good bite to eat with my girls tho :) 

The end of all things is near. Therefore be alert and of sober mind so that you may pray. 1 Peter 4:7

Life

Logan is humming himself to sleep in the pack-n-play.

Lexi, Luke and Jordan are watching cartoons.

Lorelei is... well because i am a super star mom I have no -idea, there are three other adults here.

Sitting on a bed alone is a rarity these days. I have not been able to blog simply because i don't have time. There are days where my mind is so full of things i want to share but i just cant break away long enough to type it. My computer did have a virus that thankfully my husband was able to fix but that was an issue too. All of that to say i am here right now, typing again.

I love Christmas. I have really enjoyed my almost three year old singing happy birthday to Jesus more than i can say. Working in retail usually steals the Christmas spirit from me, but not this year. IN the last month i watched a friend bury her 14 day old son.Tiny white boxes are horrible. It was a beautiful service, but my heart has broken over and over for her. I cried most of the day. I was overly grateful that i have two jobs and that although I would not get to see them that evening because they would be sleeping, I had FOUR children at home. Watching this amazing women blog through their journey, was inspiring, encouraging, and maybe a reason i haven't been able to blog lately. How could I?

I do not often enough stop and proclaim how absolutely blessed i am to have four perfectly healthy children. Yes we have some weird allergies, and have contracted some of the rarest virus' around for kids. These kids are perfect exactly how God designed them. Sometimes i sit amidst the craziness and marvel at how different they are. Specifically how each of their personalities challenges me to grow. I spend quite a bit of time in prayer. Praying for peace, specifically, I'm not sleeping so i might as well be praying. I used to dread stumbling up the stairs to find out who was crying and why. Not anymore. Trying to imagine my life with any of them not in it- was horrible.

Most of you know we had a pretty scary encounter with Luke this year. Playing that over and over in my head in recent weeks has made me so very confident in Gods plan for each of my children. Luke has climbed on top of my car, almost drowned. tried to climb over he 2nd floor banister, jumped off the bunk bed and the list goes on. My sweet red head has a taste for adventure, my God however knows that one day he will complete some top secret mission fearless of what the consequences-- maybe even saving someone. I am not already signing him up for the seals or the rangers, but he would be good at it.

My car had to be in the shop for about two weeks for what started out as routine maintenance, and ended up fixing many issues.  Two weeks was a really long time to be with out a car and we ended up renting one, but there were a few days that Lexi rode the bus. I WAS TERRIFIED! She was of course super excited. Everything was fine. Each i day i still waited at the bus stop full of fear and wondered if she would get off or if she was wandering around in someone else's neighborhood. Lexi is very smart- and that isn't just me, her mom, saying that. I had no reason to worry but God carefully guided her on and off the bus and placed great teachers in her classroom to be caregivers while she is at school.

HE always has a plan. A plan bigger than mine and His calendar is bigger than just my five year planner. I love that about Him. It is probably one of my favorite parts about being a child of God. This plan of His gives me comfort in times of unrest, certainty in times of turmoil, and peace in times I don't understand. You will never hear me say that i think He takes people from us on purpose. Why? Simply because that is cold, and too much to bear. Believing in Him provides me with a much more tasteful response-- they went to meet Sweet Jesus.

"For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mothers womb." Psalm 139:13

If you created something by hand-blood sweat and tears- wouldn't you want to watch it be used? yes, but you also might just want to cradle it in your arms too. I believe with my whole heart that He brings people back to His kingdom because He just cant stand to see them hurt any longer. That doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt the humans left behind-more than the word hurt can even define. Hurt can however also do wonderful things for the kingdom.

Another friend lost her mother this last week, and i shared a little with Lexi. She at first was shocked that God would "take" someones mommy away. Later was kind of excited that if i died i got to meet Jesus. Then the most wonderful thing hit her-- "so death isn't scary it really exciting because i get to see JESUS!" Praise God!

The Friend that lost her son is our pediatrician in Savannah-- someone that is very real to my kids. Someone they knew was expecting. Sharing with them the amazing scriptures about how God very carefully stitched them together and that He is so very proud of His work was awe inspiring. Watching their faces as they processed the thought that HE MADE THEM was awesome. Seeing their faces when they found out he passed away was just as awesome. As i carefully sewed baby bibs into a blanket we talked about how i would always love this blanket because it had pieces of them in it and they were pieces of me. I talked about how i would always want them to take special care of the blanket and that i hoped it would keep them warm when it finished. Sharing that this sweet boy was someone that God loved just as much as I loved them was really cool for them. Then Lexi said "So He didn't want the baby to be sick anymore because that hurt His heart" AMEN

Death is hard. We have had three deaths in our family just this year. As a whole there has been too much death in our family. Young people and old either one is gut wrenching. never getting easier it is still a vital part of life. Young people sometimes fall to their knees during a loss in total despair that otherwise would never have come to Him. Others-- well me very definitely in this season- stop and rethink.

16 hours in the car could have--should have-- driven me bonkers and not that i was thankful for each moment but spending this Christmas with my family is precious. Staring at a beautifully lit tree with ornaments from all over the world and one green construction paper hand with a poem is perfect. Knowing that my children understand the meaning of Christmas in a much deeper way this year is beyond measure.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

"They remembered that God was their Rock, that God Most High was their Redeemer." JOB 19:25

Thank you Father for the gift of these handcrafted pieces of wonder. Thank you for parents(both sets) that support us on this journey we call life. Thank you Father for your blessings. Amen

thankful

This month we all tend to focus on what we are most thankful for. Pure awesomeness if you want my opinion-- i figure you wouldn't be here reading this if you didn't care about my opinions.

I promised that i would update you on all the craziness as soon as i could, but just know that in the end i will post, gratefully, a happy ending.

Going back to work was a huge change at my house, not to mention i got several part-time jobs, which added to the juggling act. I work at "Bath and Body Works", "Gymboree Corp", and doing Childcare at the church i attend for Real women's bible study. With out telling you which of these jobs the story is directly related too, i will tell you that it was not the church.

I went to work for a regular scheduled shift and was contacted about being under a Loss Prevention investigation. Meaning that i was on probation until it was resolved. originally they told me that i had 72 hours from notification to resolve the matter-- since this was on a Friday i fought for the 72 hours not to begin until the following business day. Hesitantly they agreed and so my journey began. LP notified me of 3 criminal charges that were showing up on my background check, red flagging me in the "non-hire" category.

Joel and I began to search on the Internet for what we could find in public record about someone with a name similar to mine, or county records that matched the alleged crimes. Very scary! There is someone with my name and birth date. Well, 19 women with my birth date and name. Just in Indiana. 1200 Nationwide.

The more we googled my name the more we were creeped out by what we found. We did find the crimes that were showing up on my check and were able to find out which agencies to contact for more information. First thing Monday morning i contacted the court house-located in Indiana, a state i have never even been too-- and wrote down all of the necessary information they needed to verify that it wasn't me.

• $10 money order for processing
• 2 $5 finger print cards that i have to obtain from the county sheriff's office (a place i cannot take my children therefore requiring me to also get a babysitter)
• a letter with my social security number, my full name at birth, and explanation of what i was disputing
• copy of my marriage license to prove my name change

So i was spending money while i was on probation from my job, please note.

I was supposed to have been emailed the copy of the information my employer received immediately after our initial phone conversation, but that didn't happen. Watching the clock anxiously , I called every hour for the information. I am sure that LP was really tired of me. It was important though that they understood they could not charge those hours against my 72. So i began racing against the clock. I called the background agency they used and inquired about the information used to link me the the crimes. JUST MY NAME AND BIRTH DATE! Not my social security number. My social - the number LP shouted at me, saying i had verified the information, was never used in the background process.

Following the exact procedures of the agency- meant a 10 days open-to-close time frame. Keep in mind that is only business days too, so my time is burning and my hands are now tied. I have called everyone i can think of calling, sent information here there and everywhere, and now i am sitting waiting to get fired just because NOTHING will be back to justify me on time?! um NO. I happen to be a retired attorney's daughter and pretty strong willed as well, so i wasn't exactly okay with just sitting and waiting before the firing squad.

My store manager was AMAZING. She believed me throughout the whole process and gave the names and numbers i needed to get into contact with Human Resources( in the company it is called something different but clearly that can't be stated). After calling my regional HR person @ about 3 pm i had lost almost all hope. It was day two and almost the end of my 72 hours.  Then at 6:30pm the regional HR person calls me-- from her cell phone. She wanted to be sure that i didn't feel forgotten. There were questions she needed me to answer so that she was sure what questions to research the following day. SHE CALLED ME AFTER BUSINESS HOURS ON HER OWN TIME.

1.  Thankful for two women that understood it wasn't just a job. This was my name and possibly my retail work option eliminated. They cared about me as a person.

I frequently emailed my manager about the status of the process and now this is day 3, the end of the dreaded time frame. My phone rings and it is the RHRL (Regional Human Resources Liaison- not sure if that is her official in store title but that is what we will call her). She tells me she isn't sure why in the world my social hadn't been used to verify the information before calling me to place me on probation, and why the time limit of 72 hours is given when it takes 7-10 days to resolve it through their private contractor. So in short she gave me all the time i needed to resolve the issue.

Let me stop for a minute and say that typically when they collar someone-- it is accurate. The employee doesn't fight the charges because they were just hoping nobody found them out. So when i began disputing this thing i caught many of he corporate people of guard. My aggression combined with legal advice made them very uncomfortable. If this had not turned out in my favor (because none of it was accurate) i could have dragged a monster lawsuit out-- but that wasn't something they were familiar handling on a day-to-day basis. This situation was sticky and they handled me as little as possible and with kid gloves.

Checking in regularly with both the background agencies, and my store manager plus keeping my dad informed of any progress was exhausting. I wasn't sleeping well, and i was angry when the $6 pay check hit my account.

          2. Thankful that God is bigger. The day i got a $6 paycheck, i also received my first          church check for a month's worth of work due to a direct deposit hiccup. It was His subtle way of  telling me He was still in control-- of ALL of it!

That very same day I called the agency and my case had been closed. My status had been updated to "hire-able". While i sat in the car pool line, my store manager called and very calmly asks me what i have been up to that day and asks if i have heard anything from higher up. Then drops the bomb.....


" I just got off the phone with my DM and I get to put you back on the schedule!" Seriously could have jumped out of my car and shouted at everyone else in the line! It was an amazing moment! I called my dad, my mom, --Joel was in meetings so i didn't even attempt to call him- and my sister. I texted my small group leader that has been praying with me, and my friend who texted me daily asking if i was still a criminal lol.

I WAS FREE!!! Wasn't I always free? Why was i living in fear of this thing not coming out in my favor?! I didn't commit these crimes, why wasn't i sure about the outcome?

Well when you are pinned with something like this, it begins to defeat you in such a way that you think maybe, just maybe you aren't supposed to have a job with these people because you aren't up to par.  I am an excellent sales person-- if that sounded proud, it was supposed too. I am really good at what i do. Customers come first and the personality God gave to me is perfect for retail environments.

          3. Eternally grateful that He never is done molding me.

As a parent my children will come to me feeling defeated. They might get to a place of feeling broken. How better equipped to deal with those dark places am i now?! I spent a night or two in "Hotel self pity".  This experience taught me so much.

My Husband was behind me 110%. After the initial accusations he just held me and told me he was sorry that after asking me to go back to work this is what i had gotten. He rejoiced with me when it was over and was equally excited when i had three schedules making life crazy again.

Both of my store managers were very supportive. I obviously had to notify my other manager in case this grew into something bigger -- but knowing that i had passed their background check made it easier to stomach. She scheduled me as many hours as possible trying to make up for the other loss in income. Then the store manager that never lost faith in me. She directed me to the right contacts and continually encouraged me telling me how much she wanted me to be on her TEAM.

Having parents that knew i had been a little wild as a teen but never doubting my potential as an adult. They stood fast with me as i battled through this 15 day hell.

Finally overly assured that our move to Savannah continues to prove a right fir for us. The friends God has put in my path are nothing but supportive. These people know only what i have shared in our brief time here, have only a few months worth of interactions with me and were nothing but faithful to me. The couple that had my kids while i was being accused that day, ordered pizza and laughed as we all teased about my criminal activity. They could have nervously shooed me out the door!!!

Thank you to all of you that prayed this journey through with me and Thank you to My Heavenly Father who chose my parents, my husband and my great kids. Lexi told me yesterday that she sure was glad i wasn't a criminal anymore! :) These are the moments i live for. The times God gives me to teach my children and He continues to teach me.

There was an incredible discussion about the age of accountablity that stemmed from all of this in my little family.... but that is another blog for another day :)

I sort my kids outfits for the week into gallon size ziploc bags (the ones with the sliding zipper) complete with socks underwear and hair accessory. This helps a few different ways.

• There is no discussion in the morning when you are heading somewhere on a time schedule
• Not franticly looking for a piece to an outfit with screaming children
• If someone had an accident yesterday, you grab a new bag of clothes to replenish your diaper bag stash
• Helps dad participate in the dressing on a morning we are all headed somewhere and eliminates the "where are the..." discussions
• Makes packing for a trip super easy! the mind set is already established to grab an outfit and what makes a "bag". Then on the trip the older kids can grab a bag that says their name and dress themselves with out making a mess of the suitcase!
• I have the bags in a weekly organizer that i got from "lillianvernon.com" that hangs in my closet. So the outfits are readily accessible while i am getting ready too. A "sweater sorter" for the closet would serve the same purpose.

I monogram or label EVERYTHING! not just because i am obsessed-- but because with four little people things need to be clearly marked! Luke is able to identify his name at three because he sees it all the time. I ordered the rubber sippy cup/sports bottle labels from www.inchbug.com that not only have the kids names but are color coded as well. So the night before i make sippy cups/travel cups with milk for the ride to school. The kids know which one is theirs and can pic it from the fridge on the way out. This is a huge help!

We have recently gotten to the point that luke can wear underwear when we go places. This was ok as long as he never noticed the difference between the men's room and the ladies' room. After going with daddy a few times he has learned that there is a boy on one door and a "gurr" on the other one. Taking advantage of this since i have two of each gender i have sorted the socks by girls vs boys. Joel isn't really pleased with Luke picking pink socks out before church so this eliminates that problem. I printed (in powerpoint using clip-art) a "slide" that says BOYS SOCKS and then have a mens restroom emblem and a picture of socks. Even the non readers can identify these-- i made one for "grrs" and one for boys.


The girls are close to being able to share shoes, and the boys aren't really good at putting their shoes anywhere they can ever be found again. So we had 1 shoe bucket by the back door that shoes were supposed to go into immediatly after entering the house. That worked for a while, but everytime I went looking for a certain pair there was only one. So then we got two buckets and shoes werent allowed upstairs. Now we have FOUR buckets-- and guess what?! Yep, they are labeled! Each child has a bucket that not only has their name on it, but is printed in "their" color, and has a clip art photo of the shoes they have ( as close as i can get, i also made these in power point with clip art). This made a HUGE difference!

The bookcase that houses our shoe buckets by the back door also has a bucket ( I use plastic file totes, that also have the option of stacking- in case the need to serve another purpose later-- you know like to hold files :) that is labeled "snacks to go". This box has granola bars, cheez-its that i have pre-bagged, popcorn in tupperware containers etc. If i am going to a drs appt i will pack a grocery bag of just snacks. i use them as entertainment-- well and bribery. Next to the bucket is a case of Horizon chocolate milk boxes ( that have a six month self life and dont have to be refrigerated) so i can grab milk and snacks quickly when packing. Time saving STAR for sure!

With four kids, well visits, school calendars and my own work schedule i had to come up with a way to have it all but not carry 80 bags. If you have ever seen me you know i carry a purse-- most likely HUGE-- and each of my kids have a back pack or a GIANT diaper bag that probably is over stuffed and wont zip! However, when i go to the pediatrician I will need FOUR insurance cards, Four shot records and Four co-pays. So i have an envelope size expandafile for all things medical. the expandafile comes with little labels and i have each child a slot for their items. This is also great if you make a shot visit and they give you a paper for each child's shots. You can file them in that childs slot and know which child could run into which shot related symptom later.  I also have an expandafile with their college savings info in it, and empty one for travel documents when we all travel together.

I am soon planning on posting a few of my how to travel with four toddlers tricks but tonight i must sleep!

                                         

big Yawn and STREEETCHHHHH

There are so many things going on that i would love to rant about today but i can't. Don't worry however when i have cleared all of the red tape i will share all of it.

For now, I want to tell you the latest mini-drama with my kids. It is common knowledge that i DON'T DO MORNINGS well. You might not have known that my kids are programmed that way as well-- have no idea who did that lol! School starting has been really hard on all of us. It includes tears at bed time, sometimes stern warnings for wandering around up stairs, and HUGE meltdown in the mornings--every morning.

Going back to work didn't necessarily help any of that either. I am more tired, and have less time to get ready for the next day after i come home from work. Picking up a job on Tuesday and Thursday mornings doing childcare take me out of the house two more days too. All of this leads me to the issue.

I got a note from Lexi's school that she had 8 tardies. The above passage never stated that I haven't been late once or twice but EIGHT times?! So i inquired to the teacher and find out that what i understood to be on time and the school's definition of on time are different. If i drop her off in the car pool line (with 50 cars still behind me) but the time is after 8:25 i assumed she was still on-time because teachers were still out there opening doors. This is not the case. When she entered the building she was handed a tardy slip-- in the building out of my line of sight. Since she didn't know the slips were bad she never told me about them.

So last night before work i prepacked as much of her lunch as i could, neatly placed the infamous labeled ziploc bags out on the coffee table and placed shoes next to them. Checked Lexi's Folder signing this and proudly scanning the day's work. Put this weeks sight words by Joel's place at the table and threw dinner in the oven. I felt like i had it all together. So as soon as Joel left i zoomed to work.

Upon arriving home i find only one Ziploc bag still on the table. Shoes scattered on the floor and my husband apparently not understanding the importance of the bags and their careful placement, baffled as to why i am so frustrated. Let me say it was Lexi's bag that was still on the table, Little diva isn't going to stand by and let her outfit be messed with! Lorelei however had hers in the tightest clasp a little hand can have while sleeping in her bed. Luke's? I searched and searched and searched. Then Joel and i were tearing apart the house looking for the bag that Luke had also stuffed his jacket inside.

At 11:30pm, the night before i was starting a new morning routine with my kids, it occurs to me that after i laid out the bags they went out to play. Did he take his bag that had his now stuffed jacket in it, out with him? Joel pleads with me, telling my that is ridiculous! Why would he take it outside? Its late, Nickie, he says pick out something else-- find it tomorrow. I quickly slide on some flip flops and carefully walk outside hoping not to meet any critters. There as if covered in gold was the Ziploc bag. In the tree house-- only the most logical place for a little boy to store one days worth of clothes, shoes and a jacket! hahaha Joel and i laughed and laughed as we talked about how much of a stinker he was.

As we moved him from our bed- where he fell asleep watching TV-- we thought about how many more "adventures" he will go on that will leaving us looking for one Ziploc bag full of yesterday.

They are growing so fast and starting school seems to have grown the two in the middle too. Thankfully we arrived this morning at 8:07, and did the happy dance as we confirmed our timeliness! Heading to our morning job Lorelei and Luke both yawned and griped about being sleepy.... But watching them nap together today reminds me that they are still my babies although bigger each moment.

Babies, as i watch you grow, i relish in each accomplishment. I am so very proud of each of you! Watching you smile, brings more joy than comprehensible. Each moment -even the tense ones- are ones i will remember. I love you more than words can describe and i hope one day that when you read these blogs you will understand that although we were busy i tried to write down (or type as the case turns out to be) as much as i can. I love you--mommy

boys boys boys

You have undoubtedly heard some one call a young man a "mamma's boy", and i have a red head that is absolutely nothing but that. Logan isn't quite big enough to have declared his preference as clearly... time will tell. Doesn't this upset my husband you say? um, NO! Why? because in the dictionary mamma's boy is defined:

Mamma's boy: noun, Joel White, Joshua White, Jordan White

Lol both of Joel's parents worked when he was growing up but there was a closeness between those boys and their mom. She worked hard to insure they have a bond like no other. However when we married, the amazing women they call mom made it clear to Joel that his choices now had to focus on me and our children.

I have seen many marriages struggle due to conflict with in-law relationships. There are even moms of boys who feel like their son has been "stolen" by the new wife. As women we are called to be nurturing, and encourage the next generation of women. Sadly that isn't how it turns out--- at all.

Joel and I -- well we married at the J.P. on a Monday morning and called our parents afterwards. We had been dating 3 years and we felt we were ready. Our parents were concerned because we were young and had asked us to wait. Clearly we didn't.

December 15th we tied the knot and called his parents as we drove away from the courthouse. His mother was quiet but didn't say anything that could have ruined the moment. Ten days later when we arrived at his parents for Christmas, there was a stocking for me and gifts that were newly married necessities. In what seemed like no time at all she made sure I felt welcome on my first Christmas as a "White". Seven months after we were married we discovered that i was pregnant. As soon "mom" found out we were expecting she ran and got a yellow layette and had it shipped. By the time it arrived, we had miscarried. She mourned with us, cautiously waited thru the first trimester of my pregnancy with Lexi and celebrated when we were in the clear. My mother- in- law was open about her concerns each time we added another mouth to feed, but always celebrated each one with us and has even fed those mouths quite a bit.

I have recently had conversations with girlfriends that are close to me that have been told "they aren't family", "they aren't the choice the parents had hoped for", or "we worry about your marriage to my son". I have tried to excuse myself from conversations or moments that i felt were sacred for just "the family" and have always been reminded that i AM part of this family!

As a mom to one or maybe two mamma's boys, I vow to now make a choice to teach my boys(and girls) about the values to look for in a mate. That they aren't just marrying the boy/girl- they are marrying the WHOLE family. I pray that i will be a strong guide and offer answers to any questions about there relationships. I hope that i will encourage them to date looking for a mate not just shopping around. I firmly believe a boy that can cook is a welcome addition and makes a young man stand out, too!(thanks mom :)

In short i will strive to be positive and receptive of my children's choices because i have prayed that God will place their, hand-picked by Him, spouses into their lives. And the He will give me the grace to let them "cleave" to their spouses as He intended.

For all of you that struggle in these relationships, i will leave you with this. My parents struggled with their "in-law issues" for 20 years. I am not saying that that is the only factor in their split but parental support can make a BIG difference in a marriage. But for the love of your spouse and respect for your commitment, you have to make this relationship work.  No one should have to chose between their parents and their spouse. That isn't good for any of you! I pray for resolve on both parts.

To you for whom this post was written... I pray for you daily, sometimes hourly. Marriage is forever and i hope that peace will fill your relationship and His comfort will heal your wounds. I LOVE YOU

lessons learned don't come cheap

" on my way home" I texted Joel, while i drove a stick shift speeding down the rd.

I know i know texting and driving is BAD. REALLY BAD. But i do it sometimes. Between Joel and I we have a great big extended family. His is mostly west coast and mine is mostly in THE GREAT STATE but either way its BIG. We lost a member this week just on the cusp of burying another. One we knew really well and shared great memories with-even had a child born on his birthday and another carrying his name- and the other after 11 years in the white family i hadn't even heard about. A cousin that i didn't even know existed.

As i work these next few months i want to make sure that the moments i have are marked by pride and and accomplishment. Both with my children and on the financial goals we have set as a couple. Most of you know the ups and downs i have struggled with recently and i have to confess that having a little part time job - or three as it turns out- has made me feel so alive. Life for me is kind of like a triathlon, or whatever a more complicated race would be called. It is always moving faster than i am, yet i need to be one step ahead.

Some where in all of that, life had become absorbed in things that maybe didn't matter as much. Now we all look forward to the 9 am soccer practice that we go to as a family, or a walk in the amazing fall weather. I am definitely cherishing each second. I miss my children terribly. Like indescribably. I worry that i am missing things and i call Joel almost every night from work with things that i forgot to tell him need to be done that night. We are learning, we are endeavoring upon life one step at a time together, as a team.

The coolest part is watching the kids step up and want to be an active part in the success of it all. We have explained to Lexi why i went to work, and what the long term benefits include. To be five she has a very mature grasp on money. Yes, some might say she is spoiled and i won't deny that, but she is also at a very pivotal point where she is learning that things have to be earned. Helping her to understand more and more about responsibility. She did the happy dance right along with us when i got my first pay check.

I try to make lists for Joel about what the night needs to hold, and i go over the lists with the girls so they can help him remember it all. Well my girls -the boss and the mother hen-- handle this maybe a little too well. They very much enjoy having an idea about what is needed to be accomplished and having the pride of knowing the next morning that they can report back a job complete. Are things around the house getting missed-- absolutely. But very important life lessons are being learned, by all of us.

Joel and i set aside time each night after i get home- which is later than he used to even be awake- to talk about our days, what took place in the evening while i was away and what the happenings for the next day will be. We have even chatted with his parents over seas almost every night, because we are up late enough to skype them first thing in their morning( we are eight hours behind them).

i am exhausted. Purely spent. Four children didn't exactly leave me rested though. If anything i am more careful with each moment now than i was before. I can probably hear a beautiful song written by my daughter or urge my son to sit on the potty just a little longer while i do the dishes. Maybe even teach a colors lesson while i do the laundry. Absolutely delight in the light in Lexi's eyes when she nails her sight words packet for this week... you know the ones she and her daddy have been drilling at night :)

There were plenty of moments that i just handled because i was the mommy and it was my job. Teaching my kids to depend on their daddy has been the most important lesson in all of this. He is just as capable. He might not know where your purple socks with tinkerbell are, but he will help you find them even if it means crawling under your bed because you are so sure they are there!

IN the end, when it is my time to go be with my sweet Savior, i want to have no regrets. Being sure that my children feel loved, have an active relationship with Christ and know my marriage was a real example of what God intended is what i want to leave behind. I want there to be no question about who i was or what i stood for. I too want grandchildren who bear my name with honor.

I am grateful for God's never ending provision for us and the lessons he teaches us along the way. More so i am in awe of how he is teaching all six of us together, bringing us closer with each day. My sweet Logan even knows when I lay him down at night to snuggle right down to sleep... Gods perfect engineering. We tease about Luke being a future engineer, if I can hope for my son to learn to be anything like the Master Engineer it is only thru the life lessons He is teaching us right now.