i have struggled to come to this page. struggled worse to open up the "new post tab". struggled with the emotions that come with posting on the blog every time i seem to do so.

i cant grasp the i don't knows... so sharing them and explaining them are becoming increasingly difficult. The last post i wrote, was awful. Typos out the ying yang, grammar was horribly displayed, and my witness wasn't exactly what it should have been either. AS i type i am listening to music loudly in my headphones because with the quiet house surrounding me i am afraid to be alone with my thoughts.

anger is gone. frustration is no longer appropriate. failure cant be achieved if you aren't actively trying something. I am just devastated.

Three weeks ago on he telephone i requested on the a prescription for the new pediasure and since there had been no answer and no returned phone call, i decided to show up at Dr Rittmeyers office. After a mops leadership meeting and no lunch up to that point, my boys weren't in the best of spirits and part of me gloated about that. See how long they ignore me next time after i bring my melting boys into the packed waiting room bwahahahaha. So after the very shocked receptionist announces my presence they run to help me--not. I waited for thirty minutes in the waiting room before a nurse (hesitant due to the nasty message i left her) emerges, to call us back. She put us in a little room and asks me what brings me in.... "well i cant get anyone on the phone and i need this miracle milk in prescription form and i cant just get that on my own!" assuring me that it will just be a second she runs to get me a sample and the prescription. I stripped Logan down and snuck to the scale. 5 OUNCES LOST. We had been on what i call the "liquid gold" for two weeks and LOST weight! The boys were a hot mess now and i began to cry. I told the nurse that i need to inquire about what, why and how?! i began to literally machine gun her with questions and after the fifth time she left to get an answer i asked her what it took to see the someone she kept asking. I got a full line of BS and then i told her it was fine. The boys and i would just stay in that room until someone had time to see us, we hadn't brought our lunch but i was sure they were okay with us just hanging out, right?! I had a nurse practitioner in my room within seconds. The NP explained that they didn't even have time to eat lunch most days and that i needed to understand that hearing from the LPN within 24 hours was really great. I was nice at first and got the script in my hand for the correct pediasure that i had been using samples for and had already convinced my pharmacist to start calling around looking for. Then... i began to ask her the same questions that i had asked the -probably never going to talk to me again nurse- How are we losing on a supplement? How is this not sticking? you wont let me give him anything else to drink but this stuff, how is he seeming dehydrated? I chart his poop and we still aren't regular with the new mirilax plan, how can that be? -- the tears came again. And my speech slurred and i began to weep. right there on the table as my boys fought in the corner over the two cars i had stashed in my purse. She didn't know what to do with me. She tried to professionally hug me and then said i know you are frustrated but we are going to figure it out. She popped out and came back with pop corn on her breath(she had told me they don't get to eat because they are so busy) and blood work requests plus a new xray order. we checked out and my phone rang. It was four o'clock and my girls were getting off the bus and i was not there. my neighbor and her teenage daughters are wonderful to us. She ushered the girls to her house, gave them a snack, and began homework. Such a blessing. However that just fueled my fire. I had now been there 4 hours, boys were still hungry, i had to be to work at some point and needed to get xrays and blood work done. The silly tears came again. I called Joel and caught him and and told him he was going to have to grab the girls and meet me at the mall so that we could switch hopefully in time for work. I got the xrays done and i know that they are instant. The pictures seriously appear on their inbox display with in seconds of being taken. Knowing that i just left them, i of course and expecting a call shortly after... The NP PROMISED to call me the next morning but i thought she might read it right away. They took blood, blood and more blood. Logie is a champ, he know after they are done he gets a "man" band aid, so he waits and then yells "MAN! MAN! MAN!" she grins and grabs his band aid and he waves and says bye! GO! she always giggles and talks to him about how brave he is :)

The next morning i obsessively watch my phone. NOTHING. The pediasure has to be ordered and so i can pick it up in 24 hours. Very grateful that we have enough contact with her that she ordered it when i left the drs office before i handed her the paper so that it went on that day's order instead of the next day's. At last at 5:30 i get a frantic call from the NP. There is a HUGE pocket of unclear gas that has built up in his abdomen and a definite blockage that needs to be moved. i need to come in the morning after two enemas tonight. Pack a bag and plan to stay a few days. Ready SET GO... i began making arrangement for everyone and setting up bus plans etc. I prayed that we would stay until something was a clear answer. The next morning i shuffled everyone to their destinations and Logan and i drove to midway to trade cars with Joel so he would have to big car just in case, and then we drove to the hospital while i called and covered my shift for later that night. I want to be sure i explain everything that was involved in preparing for this "few day" stay. we arrive and i push the stroller that i have hooked a rolling suitcase to, carry a pillow and special blanket, a back pack with Logan's things and my over night bag with us to the xray station. New xrays before admittance... um OK. so we did xrays then they told us to go back to the Dr. UMMM OK. so i haul all of our plunder up to the Dr and we let them know we are there. The staff once explained xrays as a fast pass... i think i have shared that with you before. This time we waited 45 minutes, and then my cell phone rings.... "Mrs white? can you come to the office? The Dr would like to see you" me: "I'M IN THE WAITING ROOM!" If you could hear me pounding the keys as i typed that sentence you might have laughed.

i walked in Dr Rittmeyers office and there he has a print out of a "normal" intestinal structure, Logan's xray from the day before and the xray from the present day.  The intestines are CLEAR, I can see each perfect ridge God put in his small and large intestines. This is the first time i have been able to see his pelvic bones because there is normally too much poop to decipher anything. The gas pocket had decreased by half. GOD SHOWED UP BIG TIME. it was all gone. Downside? When things are clear at that exact moment--- they send you home and check you off the list for that day. So home we trudged although i knew he hadn't passed any of that and i knew he hadn't released any major gas. I was baffled but glad he wasn't hurting.

Two weeks ago Joel noticed a bulge in Logan's belly after bath time. It was just under his breast bone in between his ribs in the center. He called me at work-- which he NEVER does-- and then called Dr Rittmeyer. The Dr was on call and called back quickly. Rittmeyer decided that Logan didn't need to be seen right that moment but wanted Joel to be there first thing in the am. So since it was a Mops meeting morning and Joel was the one that found it, Daddy decided to take him. They arrived at 7:30 as instructed and there was no note that referenced the previous nights phone call or anything. So wait they did. Once in a room (Weighing 20.9) Rittmeyer says "wow, i sure wish i could have ultra sounded that bubble last night" .... you know the bubble he decided the night before wasn't an emergency. When Joel confronted him about a more active treatment plan, the response was only "well when are you scheduled to come back?... we will just see you then and re-evaluate." Joel left angry and now more than ever full of hope for the new doctor in Jacksonville.

So today the much anticipated Jacksonville Dr's appointment arrived! We got up early and the girls were so organized and quiet as they gathered their things for the bus. They knew what today held and they must have sensed the bucket of emotion i was toting. Off they went and then we headed out too. arriving early is a rarity for me but we were and then they saw us early! No way! This was great! Dr's offices never see you early! Great chat in with the nurse and he explained the process to us and was very welcoming and even gave us some pediasure peptide samples.... then came back with a cup of ice and a chocolate flavored original pediasure for Luke :) totally made Luke's day :) then the Dr came in. first words out of his mouth no lie. " I have carefully reviewed Dr Rittmeyers notes and Logan's chart. To be Honest i wouldn't have done anything differently." Strike one for new doctor.  We went through the whole growth discussions and he says "some kids catch up in adolescence", "its hard to gage kids at this age" we talked about the nutrition plan and i pulled out the notes from my visit... (every time i go to anyone regarding Logan's care i jot things down along the way, weight-height and things i want to remember. every time i got ready to write the Dr would tell me to stop that he would get me a print out. I'M GOING TO WRITE IF I WANT TO OLD MAN!) The conversation continued with the description of Logan being proportionate and yes not on the charts but they have down a pound of weight gain in the last week..... WHOA, WHAT? i just said that i write everything down so i flip thought and at Joel's visit he weighed 20.9, then at my nutrition appt he weight 21, then today they have him at 21.10... as exciting as this could be they are three different scales. and for the kid who hasn't grown in 11 months i need to be versed on how in the world this is possible. HE says it just happened. STRIKE TWO. After nine months this whole growth thing quit happening consistently. What changed? What is different? What do i keep doing? "well lets just continue to monitor and see what happens" STRIKE THREE. We are "monitoring his care" every four weeks here with RIttmeyer and this new guy wants to see us every 8. he recommended one procedure that Rittmeyer hasn't ever done and we will move forward with that and this doctor did a manual exam to be sure there was no current rectal blockage. but then said to track calories--which we are, and continue to be gluten and dairy free, because he is a completely healthy little boy. "Well may have an absorption issue, or maybe delayed growth, but otherwise VERY healthy"

Joel says his diet is not normal, and if this is very healthy then we don't know what healthy is. After talking about it on the way home, we didn't get anything different from this doctor than we got from Rittmeyer here. This doctor seems to be less aggressive and says "he just one of those tough cases to diagnose".  Totally a bust. I had put so much stock in rearranging the game plan today. And Instead we are making an appt with Dr Stone and DR Rittmeyer to regroup. IT felt like that same thing just happening on a different day. At lunch Joel and i struggled to even recall what we gathered from the appointment. We were in awe of how we were able to from the beginning watch our hopes shatter. One more day with no positive steps taken. I put away 12 months jeans because we deemed them too short... but they say he hasn't grown. 18-24 months pants wont stay around his waist and i just bought him a 12 month shirt but he Gained a pound. Nothing is adding up. Nothing makes sense. I'm watching him root on the couch next to me as he toot toot toots. something still isn't right.

By the way Lorelei's Bullous Myrigitis? Yea it turned into a busted ear drum and she is in some decent pain! Joel has strep and tonsillitis and had to post pone his wisdom teeth surgery because his fever was so high... wisdom teeth oh yea, i broke one while eating eggs. Yep eggs. it just how my luck is running these days. Instead of fixing it the dentist thought she would just pry it from my head theat very visit. And then Joel's doctors called back to request a blood test for mono. I am seriously up to my eye balls right now. I'm not going to say that i can't take anymore because then God will show me MORE. I'm juggling as gracefully as i can. i am chanting the 23 psalm in my head.

"The Lord is my Shepard i shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restore my soul.  He leads me in paths of righteousness for His names sake. Even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me..."

it keeps playing in my head over and over. i remember the man that wrote these words once standing in front of a giant with only a few stones. HE KNEW the situation and still pressed on. Only believing that God was bigger. No armour he wore, No sword did he carry. The Joy of the Lord was his strength.

 I'm putting a lot of scripture into a pile in those statements, but its flowing that way for me right now. Peace may not come to me right away, but Joy will come in the morning. And will return the following morning. I have to reach out and take it. I have to crave it. My hole has to be full of dirt and i have to refuse to climb back in. Joy in every moment has to be my strength. I'm not sure at this point I'm learning something on a level i grasp. I'm not sure i could ever fully understand the Joy of the Lord. I know that i cant understand his patience or his command not to worry because he never sleeps of slumbers. Hes in control. i hear it echoing as he complies scriptures to say what i need to hear in my head, but i am struggling to listen. I'm struggling to put it all in print so i have to admit that i hear it. I am struggling to admit right now that i cant fix this. I cant go to the ends of the earth to find out the WHYS? if He isn't ready for me to know yet.

Dear God, You know my heart. I am broken. I am weary. I stand with arms open wide, ready and waiting. IF its the right stone to be chosen make everything around the fleece dry and make the fleece wet. If it is a different sling to be chosen then make the fleece wet and everything around it be wet. Make the walls fall from the inside out, so that all will see it was You and only you.  I need to see you in big ways. Thank you for this sweet child that was such a surprise to us and thank you for how you are using him to teach us. Please give me the peace to handle caring for him gracefully and please give him comfort. In your most precious name we pray, Amen

 riding his tricycle today

 we have added peanut butter to everything! HE LOVES IT!

 Its how we roll,  you know :)

 first xray with large gas bubble and obvious impaction

the top right part of the chest is where the gas pocket was/is you can see noticable reduction, and see those bones :) plus every divit in his intestines? this was cool to see for me... i hadnt ever been able to see them before  :)