Teach me your ways, OH LORD, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I will fear your name.

Psalm 86:11

I will be your God throughout your lifetime until your hair is white in age. I made you, and I will care for you. I willI will be your God throughout your lifetime until your hair carry you along and save you.

Isaiah 46:4




Blessed is the man whose quiver is full.... Psalm 127:5


Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths.


Proverbs 3:5-6




Friday, December 11, 2015

Instructions not included

What seems like lifetimes ago my job as a mom was to change diapers, maintain feeding schedules, pump my life away, and kiss boo boos. I wasn't naïve enough to believe that the craziness I lived wouldn't change. Telling you I knew this was coming? Nope.

It was my job then to teach them to love Jesus, help their precious minds to dream and protect them with every instinct I had. That is still true. There are nights I lay night to Lex and we talk until we laugh, and then we cry. My Lexi girl is smart. She gets a lot more than I think she does. Our kids don't like secrets; they like to feel confident and know what is coming next. Lolly needs structure: we get up at the same time, you have 5 minutes to put your shoes on or there are consequences, next pack your lunch... etc. Luke cries about everything. His heart is tender, so so tender. Bro? He is our comic relief! After worrying so long about what came next, sometimes his genuine belly laughter reminds me that things are ok. Caleb, is an adventure every day. Learning each other, learning his heart and trying to learn his ever growing mind. Haley is missed. WE write her letters and talk often on the phone.

I am not sure what you gathered but it is still my job to protect them with every instinct I have. Changing diapers passed with time but now making sure they have clothes and food rests here. Things I thought would be stable and reliable quickly changed. Say what you want, make your judgements but I ask you this... is my job not the same?

There are days I hit my bed and crash hard, because I worked all night or because I worked two jobs and can barely keep my eyes open. Babies that signed that they needed things got me amazing mom comments, but some how when you raise your kids differently from others you don't get Christmas cards any more. People don't know how to deal with the brokenness.

I am happily married and have laughed more in the last year than I can remember. My dad commented over thanksgiving that he has never seen me so happy and healthy. On a daily basis I cry out to God and ask him why I am so happy when I see the brokenness in my kids hearts. I beg him to heal them like I know only he can. Chris is amazing and one day my kids will get that it is the roll being filled not the one filling it. But why is it like that? What is there absenteeism? Why do I still struggle to protect their hearts?

This is what I have learned. I cant do any of it. Just like I can give my life to Christ and still be subject to satan's tempting, no matter how many walls I build my kids heart can still be broken. It is part of growing for both of us. Reminds me to rely on God to help their precious minds dream and to remember that there are boo boos I cant kiss. Keeps me mindful that sometimes, I am salt in that wound.

Emotions are hard for me. I don't talk well. Ironically however when I sit here at the keyboard things pour out. Maybe that why it has been over a year since I was here. Avoiding things makes them seem less real. About the time things regulate and we seem to figure things out my kids ride some unorthodox roller coaster and come home a mess. I work a lot. I am not going to tell you I am super available. I kiss them goodnight, I provide health Insurance, a steady pay check and every morning I am the first and last face they see before school.

As these kids redefine what "mom" means each day, I wonder how many of you are living this journey? How many of you feel like although things look differently than you imagined feel like it is a mountain you cant climb? I have an amazing climbing partner, yet understanding the emotional turmoil in my head is no easy feat.  Praying and venting are a regular part of my day. Sometimes I call my dad and say I just need to talk. When I am done he says are you finished? That was a mess? It doesn't have to make sense, there doesn't have to be contextual value.... I just need it out.

I ask you now to consider the person you might have passed today with a screaming child in Walmart, or maybe the person that pushed a shopping cart into a store in the mall where it didn't belong, or the five year old that was being carried because he cant handle a large crowd. Did you know their story? Could you have carried the five year old and everything those emotion issues entailed? Begging you now to listen before you speak and hear what is being said. Being a mom looks different on all of us and quite frankly feels different for all of us. This whole mom thing is hard.

Have a baby they said. Its beautiful they said.

The emotions you feel the first time you hold that precious child in your arms, are nothing compared to when its heart gets broken the first time.  Be patient as we navigate this together.

Friday, August 22, 2014

Where is Chapter 1?

When you have your first baby every one warns you that there is not an instruction book. No certain and defined path is pointed out. Only you can blaze the trail to what motherhood will be for you.

You think in those moments about the rolling over, the first steps, or  maybe the first words... All the while there is a lovely lullaby playing in your head to accompany what you think then will be the milestone moments in your child's life. Little did I know...

Four Deliveries, all different and four bright eyed blessings with very different personalities. Some things however, they feel the same. The displays of emotions may be VERY different but all the same feelings are represented. This last year has been all over the place. Their dad lives in a different place, I work full time and three of them are in SCHOOL! Logan goes to a wonderful daycare each day and ALL of them are thriving!

Joel and I are not together. That doesn't mean we aren't parents to four precious little people anymore. It just means we are parenting differently than we planned. Learning how do that requires a unique patience. They will learn with us as we learn.

We still live in our home in Georgia and are still enrolled in the same schools. There are different people and situations in our lives, but what is important is we are happy... I had been unhappy a very long time. Some times I think you guys knew I was more un happy than I did. But until I stopped long enough to acknowledge my emotions and pull my head out of the sand I wasn't going to get better. To hide it I withdrew from family and friends and tried to pretend I was okay. After a time, I needed to get healthy. I needed to get help sorting through what was wrong. "Get on medicine" wasn't a suitable solution for me. If I had truly been chemically unbalanced and needed medication to help--then fine. But I needed to clean house in my life.

Since my divorce some of the people I held dearest to me not only are gone, but have made valiant efforts to turn openly on me. Those things are fine. Through all of this I didn't just learn incredible lessons about myself. People show themselves in ways you never thought possible.

I have been promoted to a position that is salaried, with benefits and PTO that accommodates my littles much better. I am dating someone that is wonderful to my children and loves them immensely. I am happy. An emotion I haven't felt in a long time. Happiness is an emotion that is relative to what you desire. I have learned, I crave peace... my children also craved peace.

Crying out to God angrily so long because of the storm I felt I was living in. Being angry for not letting me rest even for a short time. Quoting scripture and clinging to it desperately. I was still so lost.  As I sit in the quiet living room, a movie playing as my background music and the smell of freshly delivered pizza wafting through the house I realize these are the milestones I never accounted for. Finding the peace after the storm is a process that doesn't end. Something I don't write on my calendar with an age next to it. It is something I write in an instruction book for the next courageous woman who endeavors on this journey not knowing what lies ahead. There is no book. There is no path. The fiery trail that is behind me is mine, there are none just like it. Behind each momma step there are four hearts full of faith forging with me .

The thing is, there is no sure thing tomorrow. If it weren't for the things I learned today, tomorrow wouldn't be what it could be. So for now I will rest in my peace. Peace that surpasses your understanding I am sure. But that is okay. My heart is full in a way, I never understood before. I pray that you too will understand what true peace is and what it feels like to be loved.

 






 

 
 

Saturday, May 24, 2014

No Title Necessary

Change. Definition. Undefined.

I started this blog three years ago to follow our kids as they grew and to document things I never wanted to forget. To keep those near and far posted as they accomplished things and to watch them become the men and women God has planned for them to be.

Today is no different. 

I have been writing this in my head for weeks, unsure if there was a timeline I am supposed to follow or if I am not supposed to say a single thing. There are things I do want you to know.

The four precious blessings we were given to watch over while they are here with us on earth are ok. They are happy and healthy and adapting to a new normal.

Things I know now that I didn't then? I am not quite sure you can fathom nor take them all in over one blog posting. Some of you, as the outside-looking-in may never need to know, but some things I have learned about myself over the last year I will gladly pour out to you.

As a kid I watched my parents approach and re-approach being married. There were variables that ended up making that marriage not work but I watched them try. I watched my parents put career first, I watch my mom do what ever it took to survive sometimes and I watched them both look back with things they might have wanted to change.

My job became my sanctuary. I was unhappy and wanted things to change. Maybe it would be better if I made more money. Maybe if I meet new friends. Maybe if I am successful too. Searching for self worth can be the most damaging endeavor one can ever embark upon. Somewhere in trying to be the best mom I could be, I lost me. I lost being a wife. I lost being a healthy balance.

My friends became the only people I talked to. I needed a vent. Not to vent but just a slow stream of communication... grown up words, conversations relevant to what I was living each day. Somehow I was struggling to find that, and I started looking to fill that void in any activity I could find outside my house. MOPS, Bunco, anything that could take me away...

I found myself on a bottom bunk last July asking where it all went. There I was in the woods of east Texas scraping together conversations that should have flowed freely with gushing  details of my every moment of my favorite week of the year. Stress was at an all time high and it began to crash hard.  Coming home to a busy holiday season at work, tons of festivities at three different schools and 10 days of lone reflection.

We grew up together. But did we? Growing up happened. The together somehow got lost in the shuffle. Dreams of successful careers took shape, kids and life happened. As life changed around us it was pretty clear there were few options and it had to be fast. While our hearts broke, decisions were made. Things came to a close.

Over the last few weeks people have come out of the woodwork, to reach out and find out what happened. Truth is, what happened is ours. That is how it will stay and those are things we will preserve safely.

We love our kids more than life and will continue to grow to be the best parents we know how to be. With respect I ask that you love my children through this, and honor our right to keep what is privately ours just that. 

Monday, June 17, 2013

catching up

summer has nearly killed me and we are only half way in.  I often forget how much my kids ride each others nerves and how much that rides my nerves!

The girls did cheer camp, are scheduled to do horse back riding camp and church camp still this summer. My dad came for a week and Grampa from way far away is coming for a month. We are desperately trying to stay busy but there is no way to run our household gone all the time! Different chores had to be allocated, rooms were moved around hoping to offer "peace" to all involved....

Then amidst it all we found the terrible twos, almost threes... Well hello unwelcome guest! Didn't' I mention all we were planning this summer? That our far-away-Grampa is coming? No, really we have plenty going on-- we don't have room for extra guests right now!

I purchased a magic bullet hoping to hide the formula under a concoction, Logan drank them for a few days and then my Luke that wont eat strawberries because they have seeds--- LOVES smoothies... lol imagine that

I tried to make puree a little thicker so I could sneak milk in a pouch, and that worked for a minute. I added honey and non dairy ice cream, I added cocoa powder which I now know is actually bitter. Then... I added cocoa syrup. if you read the bottle there are risks of possible "contact contaminants" and that could be scary. Logan however is "sensitive" to these things not actually allergic by diagnosis... so the cost of not having the milk is worse than the risk of reaction. Many of you were just frustrated that I broke some sort of rule, but really the benefits far out way the risks.

NO doctors appointments this summer simply to give his body a chance to react to the formula and get a fair chance to "gain if we are gonna". Endo results were all negative. Disappointed isn't really a fair description, but I would have loved for something to jump of a page to figure out how to help him.  No tumor, no thyroid issue,  no vitamin deficiencies, and I am assuming none of the other things either... My results call was very short and sweet. " just wanted to let you know the results of Logan's test were all negative." ME: No tumor? "no ma'am everything was just fine...." ME: okay.. thank you ...

Those calls aren't supposed to be long and long calls would mean results that I might not be really ready to hear. But either way we are still praying for clarity. My peace remains that God is not finished teacheng us through this turkey boy just yet... he was born on thanksgiving btw so he has been a turkey from the beginning...

Lexi  has become obsessed with her chore .... I decided to change the subject right there... no pretty transition... She has the laundry as her Cinderella-esk duty. Its quite comical because she pulls her hair up but is going through the trying to be trendy with my hair thing and pulls her bangs down next to her eyes and I swear they stick to her head.... I HATE it but she looks like an orphan so the drama and stomping are so very appropriate. Having a digital washer with options I didn't have as a kid learning to do laundry makes her task,, just awful. "Mom, someone changed the normal cycle to warm/cold instead of cold/cold... what am I supposed to do??????" Lexi, does it have a cold/cold button you could push?... "wellllll, yea. But what if that messes something else up? maybe you should just do it so I don't mess anything up." touché my young child, I too used that line....it aint working!

Lorelei mothers our plant life. We are growing tomatoes and beans along with "just pretty" plants too. She talks to them and waters them and sweeps the front porch. The little slimy creatures that live on the front porch fascinate her (me too) and so she talks about them and to them and we talk about how we like them because they EAT BUGS! She got twin babies for her birthday so sometimes she will push them in her stroller out there to watch her "garden" hehehehehe she is such a mommy. With her new room we have noticed a few things about her that help us to "get" her better tho. When she lines her shoes up they are perfectly symmetrical down the middle of her floor, in color order. The babies are placed in their bed at night and the blanket has to be just so. The bathroom door has to be exactly half way open at bed time.... all of these things are mentioned in possible social disorders but you know what works? Her space helps a good bit. No one else is bothered by her little quirks when it is just her space. And the plants love her need for schedule and stern direction... getting watered twice a day is great for them... plus the outside time when everyone else is in inside is good for her soul.  I am having to learn that with her there are times for me to take control and times to give options... she teaches me daily... and our heels might both dig in pretty deep, so its a process for us together.

Luke, Luke, Luke... that boy gives me a run for my money. Literally. He hammered a screw into the wall over my bed, and pours water from a fancy tea pot on his sisters beds regularly. His smooches on this momma, are the best around though. The boys have started to really bond too. Being in the middle Luke and Lorelei are very close. They are most definitely partners in crime, but Logan is figuring out how to get in on some of that... heaven help us. Trouble suits sweet lukie most days and there is a worn out spot on my carpet paired with a greasy spot on the wall... his stays in the thinking spot are not few... but a guys' gotta learn howda think, right?! The boy can get me to giggle like no one else around and he knows my soft spot is that red hair... but yuke... luke is a busy little boy that keeps me exhausted...

The girls keep my mind just as tired as the boys keep my feet! There are more tweenage tendencies than I would care to list at my house now! We are going for a tv free summer for those under ten and there is a reading list on the wall and a dollar a book pay out.... we must reign in our attitudes and lying tongues. Dial soap and vinegar are my best friends right now.

NOW HEAR THIS! I AM THE MOMMA AND I WILL FIND OUT!

Prayers for traveling mercies would be appreciated and for our daddy who will be alone only a few hours before grandpa comes for Golfing and grown up fun!

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6 NIV






 




Sunday, May 19, 2013

Where's my copy of the map?

I have always promised to be open about exactly what God is doing in my life. Whether it be pretty or abstract, work is work.

Words like "no progress", "malnourished" and "at some point we start moving backwards". We met with the endocrinologist last week.  I heard things that I wasn't prepared to hear, but that somehow didn't shake me like I anticipated they would. Logan isn't just not gaining weight; he isn't making any physical change at all. After showing me "plots" on charts from 9 months, 12 months and 18 months ending in charts from that day... L had steadily been making growth in height. Now lets be real, when I say growth in height I mean like millimeters. Just enough that it was able to be noticed on an exact measurement chart.

They weighed him twice. They measured his height three times. Wrapped a tape measure around his head three times as well.  There it was in front of my face on four different "curve' charts. >3

I was told that for a child to grow, well anyone really, you have to have a base. Logan's age bracket should have 5 mm of fat. I am not a Dr so I am not professing to have this exactly correct, but this is what I understood. Logan measures 3.6mm. this means that he isn't even maintaining, much less growing. The Dr suggested that Logan is not absorbing anything, that it is quite possible he is burning to stay functioning but is not able to absorb calories at any point.

He mentioned elevated liver enzymes, which I gathered meant that Logan's body is "trying" to grow. Apparently your liver enzymes elevate when you sleep at night, because your best growing is done during these hours. Because Logan's test high all the time, it indicates his body is pushing non stop.

We tested so many possibilities to confirm all of this I cant even put it all into print. I wrote feverishly as the Dr talked but I still need to read about what I thought I heard and what it means to us. The Dr was very patient with us and spent a great deal of time just looking over every inch of my sweet boy. He noticed a few things that were slightly off and we are going to adjust our tests accordingly. The tests were categorized as "tests from a gastro angle" several times. This Dr doesn't believe that Endo is our answer, however  he says because doctors look from different angles that maybe he can find what Dr Rittmeyer has over looked.  This man was gentle and made sure to speak plainly to both boys in conversation, but was slightly "einstein-ish". I could tell that his thoughts were racing and his mouth couldn't quite catch up.

There are very obvious tests that will come back an easy fix- like thyroid-, but I'm not sure if he isn't absorbing how we will get him the meds to fix this but the dr made it sound fairly easy to remedy.  We also had additional abdominal ultrasounds to look for a tumor. I know. I know. How in the world can the kid have been under so may cameras and this been missed?! The answer he gave me was this: because Logan's intestines and colon/bowel are consistently swollen it would be hard to see around them. So now hoping we have figured out a better "stay clean" regimen there is a possibility we could see better. the Dr said out loud " this shouldn't be here" , "this could be swelling... but its not right either way", "are we feeding the tumor or the boy".

NOTHING shook me that day. I took notes, I splashed in a public bathroom for twenty minutes with my naked toddler trying to get  a urine sample, I had to discipline my 4 year old who lost his mind in the hospital... all before ten am.

Somehow I left with a perfect peace.

It wasn't until the night before at midnight when I began to let my family in on the purpose of the ultrasound and ask for prayer that it hit me. Satan then set the bats free. Ideas began to hit the walls of my empty mind and stir my emotions. I prayed and exchanged scripture with my supporters. Then the same scripture came from two different people. Two different states. Two different translations. One GOD SCREAMING AT ME. 

"When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen Jeremiah 29:12 MSG." flew across cell phone towers from Austin, Texas, while I was texting Jeremiah 29:11 to my dad, he fired back Jeremiah 29:12-13. ALL with in moments, God grabbed me in the middle of what felt like the loneliest place I had ever been.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come to pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek with all your heart. " Jeremiah 29:11-13

When we started this journey I knew that God was going to heal Logan. It was that simple. I had no idea how God would work in my life . Nor did I know that Lexi's night time prayers would include a soft spoken "God please help us figure out how to make my brother well". 

I don't know what Gods plan for our boy is. I have absolutely no idea. What I know is that each time I write about how God is working through him in me that people all over the world read it. People that in some cases have admitted having no belief in what I believe in, but are so grateful I have something to cling too.

I read a book that described a child a couple lost as "having weight". The Drs prepared the family for the worst, but the moments they had with their child "weighed' in on the entire medical staff, and everyone who later read the book and follows their story now. That is truly all I can imagine.

Whatever comes of all of this, I know that it was part of a grander plan. Clearly I am not telling you we are done fighting and we are on the backwards slope. But right now we are making zero progress and are beginning to back pedal. Investing in a new formula that is twice as expensive as the one we are already on is crazy, if there are no nutrients being absorbed, but those aren't the thoughts you have as you click away and drop it into your shopping cart.

My mind wonders often. When I see him doubled over on my bed complaining, I ask God "why?". I would not be honest if I told you HE replied instantly with comforting words. What does HE do? my little boy asks me to snuggle him to he "peels" better. When I kiss his head that one year ago didn't have hair, God subtly reminds me that things are happening. 

Though they may not be "Chartable" , there are big things happening. I may never see them, but the ways that God is working through my boy are immeasurable.






Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Dull

Tonight I could absolutely lose my mind.

I was cooking two different skillets of grilled cheese, one with margarine, GF bread and rice cheese, and one with two wheat bread with dairy cheese sandwiches... when I walked away to referee an argument and the smoke alarm went off. Then the regular alarm was triggered... then the sirens on the two way rescue system turns on. I enter the code and.... NOTHING.. then children begin to all ask questions about why or how or are we going to catch fire....

I call the alarm company who is of course trying to talk to me over the two way installed in my house but I cant hear them over the sirens and children. The dispatcher has of course called my husband in California to ask him if we need aid... who is now blowing up my phone while I am talking to the dispatcher explaining that I have just burnt a grilled cheese... or by now all three.

Joel couldn't have gone out of town last week when both my parents spent time in town... I couldn't have been making only one pan of grilled cheese... No, those are easy options and Folks that just ain't the path we are on!

I wonder sometimes if I was as sponge like as my kids are now when I was little. Recently I know that I have learned so much I should be "wrung out" by now. Certain in my mind that He has taught me quite enough in this last year; my heart still craves more. Not the heartache but the gut wrenching lessons.

Our speaker at MOPS last week was a women that spoke of losing her husband and how it put things into perspective. She had a great job and had finally found her groove as a new mom, army wife and nurse... and then it all changed. She impressed upon us the importance of knowing your priorities and being sure of where your heart is. As I glace over to the 2 inch, three ringed binder with a vinyl label reading LOGAN in a cute font, I realize that my priorities can sometimes be jaded.

There are nights I read my bible angrily, desperate for GOD to just shout at me! Or tonight when I hand my daughter, that struggles to be responsible, a burned grilled cheese and say "it stinks to pay for other people's accidents, doesn't it?! Kind of how I felt when you spilled orange juice on a library book and I had to pay for it". My heart is raw almost to default. How have I missed this deceit, and how has it taken over my daughter? Well I haven't missed it , but now it is a foot hold that Satan has and will continue to use to get my goose.

When Joel is gone for these short trips it never fails that I refuse to watch tv and unwind, or listen to music to calm my soul... I plow... laundry, dishes, whatever is in my path. It must be done. I bark all the way through. There is a reason God didn't send us through with our commissioning.. I would have been the animal that ate my young. In my mind I'm getting the house ready for Joel to come back, but probably just hiding the fear of weakness or failure.

My last visit with Dr. Rittmeyers office I saw a nurse practitioner that I had never seen. The same one that told me over the phone that Hirshsprungs wasn't our answer... the same one that told me we were headed back to the drawing board. She isn't any more pleasant in person. We spun In circles for 45 minutes, after I waited two hours in the waiting room and Luke had peed on the floor because the restrooms were closed to "non-patients". The test results we were there to collect were not in my chart and when I asked for the new formula that want us to try that is apparently "not medically necessary", I was told "I'm not cleaning out my closet". All in all the appointment was horrible. After our discussion, which I will not share, because I will get angry all over again was over I left. In pure shell shock. Speechless.

If you read often , you know words are one of my gifts. Honestly there were no words to define the conglomeration of emotions. Angry, defeated, awestruck... those are a few... but I just sat in the car. Finally mustering up the courage to call Joel, it rang, and I unloaded. Words were flying like bullets and he asked me several times to slow down. Then he very calmly said, "Ill call you back". Click. he hung up, with me on the edge of my seat.

After calling and leaving a message, a nurse calling him back the following day and Joel' specific request to speak to the dr, the NP called him the next day. They too, had a colorful conversation and she reiterated all of the things she told me. "He's fine, just little", "You give him too much mirilax and that is why he has the runs", "I don't see why you have removed these things from his diet when he isn't allergic". The decisions we made per medical guidance from her colleagues, she was now calling nonsense. She doesn't want to see us for two months. Period.

With still no word from their office or a doctor, I called my Pediatrician in Houston and made an appointment with my Pediatrician here as well. I saw the NP that had originally noted the growth deficiency and we went back over the original check list of things we wanted to investigate.

  • Allergist-Check
  • Gastroenterologist-Check
  • Cardiologist-
  • Endocrinologist-

Two stops we haven't conquered yet. I have been so bogged down with the negative effects of my gastro journey with Logan that I haven't completely explored the other options. Both of those appointments are in the scheduling stages. We have a follow up appointment with Gastro too, when I will sit in the waiting room and demand to see a dr because I have more questions.

The NP at my ped's office called me after hours to assure me that the Gastro people have indeed run almost every test under their scope and there are no obvious issues. So we indeed are fighting an uphill battle and I must just keep my sword sharp.

My Sword. My priority? Have you ever done a sword drill? During Wednesday night services as a kid we did, every week. I knew the song. I could go right to a book before most around me. IT was part of me. IS it still that way? No, it isn't. That big Green 2 inch binder with Logan written in a cute font, seems to consume me some days.

Google-ing specialist across the country can occupy hours of my time. When my pediatrician from Houston called me back,  she said that there are "variances in gastro care" there. She said that Texas Children's has amazing specialist but they weren't known for gastro care. If that was my choice she would be my partner and help make my connections, but personally didn't feel like that was right for my family.

I burned grilled cheese because I was trying to cook two different sandwiches, in two different pans and the same time. I cant solve all the worlds issues all at once.  I can attempt to fix the deceit in my daughters heart and I can hope to make my littlest son as comfortable as I know how, but the truth is I cant fight these battles with a dull sword.

David used but a stone to conquer a giant, and one human mistake cost him Gods blessing and brought sorrow on his family. What was the difference? The giant wasn't his to fight. When David forgot only the stone was his and The giant was conquered by God, it set the stage for his kingdom to begin crumbling.

I too must remember who conquers the giants. My priorities must be sharpening my sword, so when HE shouts at me in my angry moments I can hear Him. That green binder is important for Logan's care, but it wont heal him or bring him comfort. It may be my stone but it can only be used by Him.

Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Ephesians 6:17

For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Hebrews 4:12











Monday, February 18, 2013

fresh canvas

my thoughts are a true mess. feelings that I might not be able to elaborate on. frustration, defeat, confusion. this is my baby and no one has any idea what is wrong. here we go.

I am not a painter. Don't understand how to mix colors or that you can use water color pencils and just brush water over them at the end. Clay is annoying to me because I cant ever get it to be what I want it to be! My friends make these precious plates to celebrate their baby's milestones and mine look awful. Going "back to the drawing board" sounds less than appealing to me.

I was on the phone with Joel's dad this morning and then BEEP BEEP... I looked down and couldn't believe my eyes! It was Dr Rittmeyers office! I clicked over, with my heart pounding almost out of my chest. "Mrs. White? Logan's Mom?" YES YES this is she... "Dr Boswell asked me to tell you that Ganglia cells were found during the biopsy" then, that heart that moments ago was beating out of my chest, sank into the depths of my stomach... So Now what? She asked me to share the regimen we are currently using and asked me how I felt it was working... we talked about previous methods we have used. ... the pediasure... we covered it all. You know, because it was someone who had never held our chart and knew nothing about us. She moved on to tell me she wanted new xrays and to see where we stood now.

My response? "Are we starting over?".... "yes, ma'am. I guess its back to the drawing board."  How after 8 months of meeting with them, is there nothing that indicates what is going on with him??

I can tell you that we are tithing now. I know that is not something I am supposed to boast about but hear me out. We were those people. the ones who expected God to give us His best while we held tightly to ours. Joel volunteered to serve in the nursery. We are more committed to giving God everything than we have ever been. I have been in the word more in the last 8 weeks than I ever have. We are hungry. Satan continues to attack our marriage because we are tired. Somehow we pull closer and push the online giving button instead of killing each other. My emotions are on the fritz. I can't sleep like a normal person because I am convinced there is someone breaking into my house, or that my kids have stopped breathing. The pressure is definitely on. It sure isn't a good time to learn to paint.

When I hung up I couldn't decide if I wanted to cry or run until I couldn't breath. Joel's parents called back and I explained to them what the NP said and we of course talked about the options etc... but my mind was spinning. Then I asked the "how am I giving, and serving and I'm still not getting what I need"? BINGO!!! Its not about me. I have to continue to dig deeper until I see nothing but Him. Deep enough to go to the "land He will show me". That picture seems bleak to me. Is scary even. But who knows... it could be a water color pencil painting that looks like a whole new me once there is a little water added.  Didn't we talk about rain recently?



no Hirshsprungs disease. But he knows what it is, and it is in the land He will show me.

"The Lord said to Abram: 'leave your country, your family, and your relatives and go to the land that I will show you. I will bless you and make your descendants into a great nation. You will become famous and be a blessing to others. I will bless anyone who blesses you, but I will put a curse on anyone who puts a curse on you. Everyone on earth will be blessed by you." Genesis 12:1-7

If you follow that story till the end... the land that God took Abram to?.... It ended up being THE promised land in Exodus.... maybe I should buy new brushes...

New xrays and Appointment for February 25th.