When she smiles

"This is the story of a girl, who cried and drowned the whole world. While she looks so sad in photographs, I absolutely love her, when she smiles"  --Nine Days, Absolutely(story of a girl)

The dynamic around here changed by what some would consider a small adjustment; I mean what is one more. Oh, you've got jokes?!

Haley moved here roughly six weeks ago. I have been through 5 years of these Gonser kids who have claimed my heart, but this one will redefine me.

Across the table, Alexis is writing a short story about a young child training for a war. The story seems to be along the hungry games story line, but is interestingly my life currently.

Rewind to August 27, Calebs 16th Birthday. I took Alexis and Lorelei to the dentist. Caleb of course tagged along to get a drs note so he could skip on his birthday. I pull out of the middle school and receive a call from the High School. "Mrs Gonser? Are you close by the school? Can you come right now?"

I am then informed that Haley is in the nurses office and had vaped something. What we aren't sure, but we are confident she is sick, very sick. What is scariest is that she DID NOT KNOW what it was she ingested. Scarier still is that the next two hours she got higher and then crashed. If you are judging us as parents now, fine, but heed the rest of this because I promise your kids have sat next too or used a vape. 4/6 of my kids see a vape or sit next to a student vaping every day. On a school bus, in a school bathroom, or sneaking out to a school parking lot to an unknown students car.

When "Luke" talks about screaming and gnashing of teeth, I am certain I can begin to imagine that because I have teenagers. Bedrooms are a privilege, taken.  Hide a bed sleeping indefinitely. Social life= none. We are in counseling, had eye appointments, have dental work scheduled, new retainers ordered (she chewed through them), psychiatric evals and the list goes on. Her number one request is to lay in my bed and watch Napoleon Dynamite. She misses her mom like crazy. Spills her guts sometimes like projectile word vomit. Fire inside her is so intense sometimes you must get burned to find the point of ignition.

10 days of suspension, with a hefty potential of heading to the alternative school. Both of us were crushed. There were tears and plenty of gut wrenching conversations as we plotted the what ifs to come. We prayed. I prayed. Her small group leaders prayed. Her youth pastors prayed. She shouted and pleaded with us all to take it from her. Owning her actions was one thing, but facing the somewhat sealed fate was almost unbearable. Suspension, Hurricane, Lack of Hurricane, lead us to the hearing we had dreaded.

The hearing officer saw my face and quietly acknowledged shopping in my store and sharing stories about our kids for many moons. Gentle peace. The spunky Blonde that was the AP in charge of our case smiled boldly each time Haley struggled to speak with courage. Confidence almost flooded across the table into Haley's lap, and she commented later on how calming it was. Adjourning for the decision recess felt eternal. Crying in the waiting room, we decided that no matter the outcome, we would be ok.

Floating would be the best way to describe finding myself  back in the conference room. "Listen to me very clearly, I am adding 10 days to your suspension." Suspension means back to the HIGH SCHOOL! The officer was very clear but very peaceful. She spoke in a way Haley would not only understand, but also process and carry those words with her.  Firm rules and contracts to uphold, but a challenge in learning coping skills and proper friend choices ahead.

Rounding out my Tuesday was an Email from Caleb's teachers because he has 4 F's. Chasing that email into the mailbox was Luke's teacher remarking on his refusal to comply.

"Mom? Can you gel my hair tomorrow?" "Oh! Can I have a high pony?" "Wait! Mom its homecoming can you wash my wildcat shirt?"

Yes. Yes I can. I am all in. What ever that means. Promise me that when we wake up tomorrow we can smile full of joy and rejoice that today is done.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

Journey

Rounding the corner of the drop of line; I am hounding Lex about being on my phone totally absorbed. As she climbs out, I yell BYE I LOVE YOU as loudly as I can over and over. She has a huge grin on her face but isn't going to respond. The teachers working car line then call to her and make her turn around and tell me she loves me.

Of course, I promptly honked and signed to her that I love her to just add insult to injury. Daily I am hit with the realization that its going to fast. 9 school days. 8 of the fastest weeks happen during summer vacation. Then we start school again. There is not a pause button.

I used to believe that time moving so quickly meant that I was losing them. Not sure exactly why I believe that they magically disappear or something, but I am over come with emotion thinking about the day when they chase dreams outside of my four walls. As we work through logistics of Haley maybe joining our full-time roster, I struggle to believe I have to time to spread. What will I miss with one kid because I am with another? How can I be in the stands at every event? Lexi was notorious for forgetting her shoes for cross country, Caleb forgets his wrestling clothes consistently, Logan got the Flu the week of Caleb's knee surgery. How in the world will I have the time to be the Mom they NEED?

Nine days from now I will stare into a six foot four sophomore. When he started the fifth grade here, it was one of the hardest academic years I had ever done with my kids. Learning the new grading scales, carving out a learning plan that was specific to his needs, and learning to become his teachers pen pals. Several times that year I didn't believe I was adequate. More than that I wasn't sure I could help him get where he needed to be.

In the midst of a heart breaking few weeks on the other side of the country we've prayed and prayed about the transition that seems to be coming. A change of environment, removal of bad choice friends, and a pretty strict rule change.  I come back to the place of uncertainty that I am enough. Chris has a crazy work schedule that has him coming and going. My career is beginning to take off. can I really do this?

Encouragement comes from near and far, yet I have to find "ok" all in myself. In the moments of teenage arguing and the slamming of doors I have to know I can do it. Those doors that slam are pretty promptly removed from their hinges or locked with keys preventing access and as the kid sits defeated in the hall way, I have to know that I have enough to rebuilt them.

As a parent, learning to parent a teen from a Caleb perspective has taught me so much. My first teenage experience would have been Alexis and God being so humorous, handed me a male version of myself to live through first. But if I can pinpoint TWO things: He loves BIG, and he is the most resilient person I know.

My fear was that if we move Haley here that Caleb would move back. His need to protect his mom's heart is real. He doesn't want her to be alone, at all. High school and credit requirements make it a little more difficult to change once you start.(Hence why H needs to move this summer if we are moving). Wednesday night as Chris was flying to see Haley, Caleb wrapped his arms around me tight enough that my forehead was pressed against his chest. "I am not going anywhere. I heard you tell dad that you are concerned about whether or not I am leaving. I heard on the radio in Ms Anne Marie's car today that step parents want better definition. The message was that you have an impact no matter what I call you. I love you."

Five years ago this kid thought it was weird that I hugged him "a lot". It was weirder that we said I love you often. Now he waits for me to come home so he and Alexis can climb in my bed and watch TV. He sat outside my door for two hours as I talked to Chris Wednesday night to be sure he could tell me what he heard on the radio.

He has taught me that although the journey may be long that I can cinch my boots in a little tighter and be ok. There are not guide books, no defined trails, but forging through believing in the beauty at the top.

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, They shall mount up with wings of eagles, They shall run and not be weary and they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31