Rounding the corner of the drop of line; I am hounding Lex about being on my phone totally absorbed. As she climbs out, I yell BYE I LOVE YOU as loudly as I can over and over. She has a huge grin on her face but isn't going to respond. The teachers working car line then call to her and make her turn around and tell me she loves me.
Of course, I promptly honked and signed to her that I love her to just add insult to injury. Daily I am hit with the realization that its going to fast. 9 school days. 8 of the fastest weeks happen during summer vacation. Then we start school again. There is not a pause button.
I used to believe that time moving so quickly meant that I was losing them. Not sure exactly why I believe that they magically disappear or something, but I am over come with emotion thinking about the day when they chase dreams outside of my four walls. As we work through logistics of Haley maybe joining our full-time roster, I struggle to believe I have to time to spread. What will I miss with one kid because I am with another? How can I be in the stands at every event? Lexi was notorious for forgetting her shoes for cross country, Caleb forgets his wrestling clothes consistently, Logan got the Flu the week of Caleb's knee surgery. How in the world will I have the time to be the Mom they NEED?
Nine days from now I will stare into a six foot four sophomore. When he started the fifth grade here, it was one of the hardest academic years I had ever done with my kids. Learning the new grading scales, carving out a learning plan that was specific to his needs, and learning to become his teachers pen pals. Several times that year I didn't believe I was adequate. More than that I wasn't sure I could help him get where he needed to be.
In the midst of a heart breaking few weeks on the other side of the country we've prayed and prayed about the transition that seems to be coming. A change of environment, removal of bad choice friends, and a pretty strict rule change. I come back to the place of uncertainty that I am enough. Chris has a crazy work schedule that has him coming and going. My career is beginning to take off. can I really do this?
Encouragement comes from near and far, yet I have to find "ok" all in myself. In the moments of teenage arguing and the slamming of doors I have to know I can do it. Those doors that slam are pretty promptly removed from their hinges or locked with keys preventing access and as the kid sits defeated in the hall way, I have to know that I have enough to rebuilt them.
As a parent, learning to parent a teen from a Caleb perspective has taught me so much. My first teenage experience would have been Alexis and God being so humorous, handed me a male version of myself to live through first. But if I can pinpoint TWO things: He loves BIG, and he is the most resilient person I know.
My fear was that if we move Haley here that Caleb would move back. His need to protect his mom's heart is real. He doesn't want her to be alone, at all. High school and credit requirements make it a little more difficult to change once you start.(Hence why H needs to move this summer if we are moving). Wednesday night as Chris was flying to see Haley, Caleb wrapped his arms around me tight enough that my forehead was pressed against his chest. "I am not going anywhere. I heard you tell dad that you are concerned about whether or not I am leaving. I heard on the radio in Ms Anne Marie's car today that step parents want better definition. The message was that you have an impact no matter what I call you. I love you."
Five years ago this kid thought it was weird that I hugged him "a lot". It was weirder that we said I love you often. Now he waits for me to come home so he and Alexis can climb in my bed and watch TV. He sat outside my door for two hours as I talked to Chris Wednesday night to be sure he could tell me what he heard on the radio.
He has taught me that although the journey may be long that I can cinch my boots in a little tighter and be ok. There are not guide books, no defined trails, but forging through believing in the beauty at the top.
"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, They shall mount up with wings of eagles, They shall run and not be weary and they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31
