Confusion isn't completely out of my head, but control is. I am not, nor have i ever been in control. In my head i really did know that, although i probably didn't acknowledge it. Advocate can have many meanings when its about your kid, and sometimes i forget that I'm fighting for something i don't really know exists.
Logan has digestive issues no one can really explain. He was given a label that meant he wasn't growing, not because they knew exactly what was wrong with him. Cognitively he is more advanced than most his age, and when he hangs out with his siblings he can party like the best of them. Hands down can hold his own with no problem. SO with all of those things on his side, they said to wait.
Watching for what seems like nothing can be miserable. A friend reached out last week and smacked me while i was wallowing in my tears. Not literally but said things i needed to hear, whether i wanted to hear them or not. Celebrate. She reminded me that although three different scales were involved and it might just be ounces of gain it was STILL gain. The pediasure that i do nothing but gripe about is supposed to bring gain... maybe the liquid gold was really working?! I have been so busy setting out to get help that i was missing the mighty healer reassuring me that He is working! My soon-to-be-two year old can race my almost four year old on bikes. a tricycle and a bike go roaring down my drive way daily. That isn't something a baby the size of "an average one year old" should be doing.
In one week the nation could change as we know it. In three weeks my last baby turns TWO. In six weeks it will be time for grands to arrive and Christmas to begin.
But today the wait for me ends. Logan has weight, today.
It doesn't matter if he has to be on pediasure until he is ten. Don't worry about tomorrow, celebrate today. It kills me inside to know that i have no idea what is wrong or why or how to make it better. That same feeling brings me a little grin. Know Why? Because i don't have to know. I am not waiting on pins and needles for a miracle.
I KNOW he KNOWS.
I KNOW that these ounces are a gift to celebrate.
I Know that He knows it drives me crazy, so he gives me little blessings to celebrate.
I know that Logan is my miracle. That the lessons i am learning are much bigger than i imagine them.
Being still isn't my forte, but my, what can be seen in the stillness. This week i have prayed and listened. Originally it was to see what i was supposed to do next, and we will continue to see doctors to watch him with us. But for now we will rest in this weight.
Weight can be precious. The weighting doesn't have to be misery.
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"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34
"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
"Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9
