Where is Chapter 1?

When you have your first baby every one warns you that there is not an instruction book. No certain and defined path is pointed out. Only you can blaze the trail to what motherhood will be for you.

You think in those moments about the rolling over, the first steps, or  maybe the first words... All the while there is a lovely lullaby playing in your head to accompany what you think then will be the milestone moments in your child's life. Little did I know...

Four Deliveries, all different and four bright eyed blessings with very different personalities. Some things however, they feel the same. The displays of emotions may be VERY different but all the same feelings are represented. This last year has been all over the place. Their dad lives in a different place, I work full time and three of them are in SCHOOL! Logan goes to a wonderful daycare each day and ALL of them are thriving!

Joel and I are not together. That doesn't mean we aren't parents to four precious little people anymore. It just means we are parenting differently than we planned. Learning how do that requires a unique patience. They will learn with us as we learn.

We still live in our home in Georgia and are still enrolled in the same schools. There are different people and situations in our lives, but what is important is we are happy... I had been unhappy a very long time. Some times I think you guys knew I was more un happy than I did. But until I stopped long enough to acknowledge my emotions and pull my head out of the sand I wasn't going to get better. To hide it I withdrew from family and friends and tried to pretend I was okay. After a time, I needed to get healthy. I needed to get help sorting through what was wrong. "Get on medicine" wasn't a suitable solution for me. If I had truly been chemically unbalanced and needed medication to help--then fine. But I needed to clean house in my life.

Since my divorce some of the people I held dearest to me not only are gone, but have made valiant efforts to turn openly on me. Those things are fine. Through all of this I didn't just learn incredible lessons about myself. People show themselves in ways you never thought possible.

I have been promoted to a position that is salaried, with benefits and PTO that accommodates my littles much better. I am dating someone that is wonderful to my children and loves them immensely. I am happy. An emotion I haven't felt in a long time. Happiness is an emotion that is relative to what you desire. I have learned, I crave peace... my children also craved peace.

Crying out to God angrily so long because of the storm I felt I was living in. Being angry for not letting me rest even for a short time. Quoting scripture and clinging to it desperately. I was still so lost.  As I sit in the quiet living room, a movie playing as my background music and the smell of freshly delivered pizza wafting through the house I realize these are the milestones I never accounted for. Finding the peace after the storm is a process that doesn't end. Something I don't write on my calendar with an age next to it. It is something I write in an instruction book for the next courageous woman who endeavors on this journey not knowing what lies ahead. There is no book. There is no path. The fiery trail that is behind me is mine, there are none just like it. Behind each momma step there are four hearts full of faith forging with me .

The thing is, there is no sure thing tomorrow. If it weren't for the things I learned today, tomorrow wouldn't be what it could be. So for now I will rest in my peace. Peace that surpasses your understanding I am sure. But that is okay. My heart is full in a way, I never understood before. I pray that you too will understand what true peace is and what it feels like to be loved.

 

 

 

 

No Title Necessary

Change. Definition. Undefined.

I started this blog three years ago to follow our kids as they grew and to document things I never wanted to forget. To keep those near and far posted as they accomplished things and to watch them become the men and women God has planned for them to be.

Today is no different. 

I have been writing this in my head for weeks, unsure if there was a timeline I am supposed to follow or if I am not supposed to say a single thing. There are things I do want you to know.

The four precious blessings we were given to watch over while they are here with us on earth are ok. They are happy and healthy and adapting to a new normal.

Things I know now that I didn't then? I am not quite sure you can fathom nor take them all in over one blog posting. Some of you, as the outside-looking-in may never need to know, but some things I have learned about myself over the last year I will gladly pour out to you.

As a kid I watched my parents approach and re-approach being married. There were variables that ended up making that marriage not work but I watched them try. I watched my parents put career first, I watch my mom do what ever it took to survive sometimes and I watched them both look back with things they might have wanted to change.

My job became my sanctuary. I was unhappy and wanted things to change. Maybe it would be better if I made more money. Maybe if I meet new friends. Maybe if I am successful too. Searching for self worth can be the most damaging endeavor one can ever embark upon. Somewhere in trying to be the best mom I could be, I lost me. I lost being a wife. I lost being a healthy balance.

My friends became the only people I talked to. I needed a vent. Not to vent but just a slow stream of communication... grown up words, conversations relevant to what I was living each day. Somehow I was struggling to find that, and I started looking to fill that void in any activity I could find outside my house. MOPS, Bunco, anything that could take me away...

I found myself on a bottom bunk last July asking where it all went. There I was in the woods of east Texas scraping together conversations that should have flowed freely with gushing  details of my every moment of my favorite week of the year. Stress was at an all time high and it began to crash hard.  Coming home to a busy holiday season at work, tons of festivities at three different schools and 10 days of lone reflection.

We grew up together. But did we? Growing up happened. The together somehow got lost in the shuffle. Dreams of successful careers took shape, kids and life happened. As life changed around us it was pretty clear there were few options and it had to be fast. While our hearts broke, decisions were made. Things came to a close.

Over the last few weeks people have come out of the woodwork, to reach out and find out what happened. Truth is, what happened is ours. That is how it will stay and those are things we will preserve safely.

We love our kids more than life and will continue to grow to be the best parents we know how to be. With respect I ask that you love my children through this, and honor our right to keep what is privately ours just that.