Pregnant to Peachy?

So i typed all of this once and then BAM! My dad's dinosaur of a computer shut-down. SO I unloaded mine and hear i sit re-typing.

This time last year i was anticipating the gender ultrasound of my unborn child, Leaving my children for the first time EVER, and about to board a plane to Houston for Kids Camp 2010! I am excited that I am at the half way mileage point for Kids Camp 2011!

Having babies can change your world. Midnight feedings, sibling reactions, hair falling out, crazy stretch marks... and so on and so on. I have been pretty open about what is weighing on my heart recently, and am pretty sure you would all agree I share more of my "dark" side.

SO  hear goes-- why change now? lol

I run on the treadmill to make myself feel better and follow it with an ice cream reward. I lay in bed unable to sleep in the few hours everyone else is sleeping. Well at a Drs appointment for something else, i happened to mention that. Here is what i learned:

The "baby blues" can manifest in different forms in different people. As a women i understand that my body chemistry depends on my hormones' proper alignment. Having four babies so rapidly, breastfeeding in between(also totally hormone dependant), having my tubes tied and continuing to nurse leading up to no cycle since giving birth-- can cause my hormones to not be in sync- DUH!

I was against taking an anti depressant because of an experience i had as a teen where they made me feel numb. However i am older and apparently out-of-whack. Joel and I really didn't want it to come to this. I have open with him from the beginning, because i just didn't feel the same after we came home from the hospital this time. We just chalked it up to being the difference in going from the responsibility of 3kids to 2 kids, a VERY busy spiderman-like two year old and a newborn.

i hope that by sharing this none of you think i am judging anyone that has to be on medicine or that i am by any means "altered" in personality. Three days into the medicine and i am beginning to notice differences. I have been able to catch a few naps today, quick but needed and it was great! I am eating just what i need for nourishment and lactation, not pity party snacks. If the truth be told I have probably been nicer to my children!

Our goal is to be off of this medication in roughly six months when i am done nursing and have become more regular in my cycles. I have the Joy of Jesus and i never want that to be confused with being on "happy pills" .  Genuinely ladies, i have learned in the last 3 days that not only can I fight the good fight but I am truly not alone. Sometimes word vomit at the doctors office is God getting you the help you really need.... And if there are any gentlemen brave enough to have made it this far into a blog about "lady issues"-- take note, don't just call her moody and hard to understand! Research the symptoms, offer complete support no matter what steps are necessary, and a piece of chocolate cake probably wouldn't hurt either.

I will keep updating as we make progress to figuring out how to best manage my imbalance but until then remember sometimes trying to adopt/get pregnant, the actual pregnancy, newborn stage, and parenting altogether can all make us "crazy" but its so worth it!

this is a maternity family shoot we did with StephanieLeighPhotography and then my sweet Logan eating peaches ;)

"belt of truth"

as i type this my five year old is rocking my baby singing Oh, Happy Day! When you washed my sins away! Ill never be the same! Forever I am CHANGGGGGGED! HE'S ALIIIIIIIIVE!

I struggle with depression. I have always struggled with depression. As a kid i was on various different medicines that essentially just made me numb. As a teen i tried other "solutions" to make myself happy, and as an adult have declared WAR against it. I have either worked 2 jobs to keep myself busy, over committed myself in volunteer work to provide pride to dwell on, or come up with a project for my kids to do that makes me look like i have it all together.

I DON'T have it all together.

I try, i honestly try. But the truth is i spend many hours in prayer about my self confidence. Not feeling good enough is one of my biggest "your worthless struggles." I wondered for a long time what i could have done differently that could have kept my parents together. I know that had nothing to do with the divorce, but cried often because i thought i was awful. so awful that they needed time apart from each other because of me. I have healed from that.

I ask my husband frequently if he still loves me. If he is going to leave me, or if he still wants me. He works loooong hours and sometimes i wonder if that is to be away from me. He has honestly (bless his heart) admitted that at this stage in our lives coming home isn't exactly restful for him. Understanding that too oh so well, i ask him if he wants to escape it, escape us. He always gently reassures me that he married me FOREVER. When we were engaged he used to say "NEVER, EVER, ALWAYS, FOREVER" He will never leave me, Ever! He will always love me, and we will fight for our marriage forever.

I am frequently reminded of where i am when my kids have a bad day. When not one request is obeyed, things are flying over the balcony, one bites another because his hands are being held down out of meanness(big sister watch out he's getting bigger). I feel an over whelming sense of failure. Then at nap time when i am drinking a cup of coffee-my toddler still doesn't sleep well so i drink coffee all day- Satan creeps in and we have a pity party. He and I discuss how much i stink. The lack of effect i have had in my home that day. My children's rotten behavior that reflects on my bad parenting. So on and so on and so on.

Then my sweet Lexi will stumble sleepily down the stairs and say " can we just snuggle before everyone else wakes up? I want you all to myself! You know why? Cause I love you!" I will never know why Lexi was chosen for me, or why she was first, or why she has brown eyes, but i know she is pure, and a perfect gift from my Father.

He chose her to help me win this battle. He chose her to be my fight. If there is ever a reason to not let Satan continually attack me it is these bright eyed, bright futured children He hand picked for me! That doesn't mean there won't be days I struggle on the front lines. It certainly doesn't mean at 6 months post baby that i won't have CRAZY DAYS! Most definitely means that i will have Gods armor on, and will fight along side the ALMIGHTY!

"Oh Happy day, Happy day when You washed my sin away! Oh Happy day, Happy day I'll never be the same! FOREVER I AM CHANGED!"

"Be strong in the Lord and the power of His might.  Put on the whole armor of God that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil."
                                                                  Ephesians 6:10

                                                                      from today

                                                                my sweet Lexi
                                                 (photo credit to stephanieleighphotography)

life lately

I started blogging because I wanted to make sure that i recorded things that happened in my kids lives. So far all it has seemed to be is a groan session for me.

So this week, Logan started rocking on his hands and knees, and even pulled up on a gate once. He is growing so fast its unbelievable. Tonight he consumed TWO STAGE TWO jars! Oh my word how this kid can eat!

Lexi's vocabulary never ceases to amaze me. She is so mature, makes very "grown-up" choices and seems to be be wise beyond her years. Bright. Bright. Bright. She talks about school like it is going to start tomorrow. Absolutely can not wait... me on the other hand....

Lorelei talks non-stop. The Questions, oh the questions. Curious about life's every moment inside and out. Watching her make the connections is inspiring. Makes me want to read a book really quick to keep up! Her fits--are well... challenging. We are working thru them and trying to understand her more each day. The melt downs are getting less frequent, but when they come... shhhew they come on strong!

Luke is wearing UNDERWEAR most of the day. We aren't potty trained by any stretch of the imagination, but hes learning the sensations. A few steps at a time, right? He is talking more everyday. Sentences are slowly coming together and he is able to converse with the girls which is incredibly helpful.

So now that i feel caught up on this weeks progress, i will close. My sister and her family of five are here this weekend on one side of a cruise week. They will be back for another weekend after their adventure. I can assure you i am closing with more words to say, but can't seem to focus to type. lol. My kids are enjoying different kids to entertain them and the noise does cease at night-- for a few hours anyway :)

I am

I googled the definition of "I am", I found 15 "web definitions".

Then I googled "I am what I am". I got that it was found in Exodus 3:14, when Moses asked God His name. It went on to say it was the most famous verses in the Torah, and that it can be translated to "existed" in Hebrew. That another interpretation is "I-shall-be that I-shall-be"

I don't wear dresses. They make me feel awkward and vulnerable.

I wear shorts down to my knees if i brave wearing them at all--- I prefer pants. To be honest I would wear a t-shirt and sweat pants everyday.

I don't drink anymore. I can't have enough self control to have just one and the Bible says to not become "drunken". So i don't put myself anywhere i might be tempted.

I typically don't even go to the bathroom by myself because i need to know where my son is at all times-- my house could burn down.

I say all of this to lead me here. I want to leave nothing to question when my children ask how i feel about certain things or why i feel the way i do about certain things.

AS a teen I made decisions that I will carry with me until i meet the Father face-to-face. I will be judged by Him then and be held accountable for those choices. Having children wasn't one of those ill choices, though. It is my job now to share with these children He entrusted in my care my mistakes and the heartbreak they caused me. It is my job to try and prevent similar heartbreak for them.

Skin, no matter how old you are, is a temptation. Tanned skin, smooth skin, light skin, freckled skin.... the list can go on and on. It is all beautiful and attractive to each of us. But it is SACRED. I want my kids -both genders- to understand that the gift of skin that covers ever inch of their bodies was hand picked by the Creator to show only to their spouses. That means conservative swim wear, longer shorts, and leggings under dresses. I mentioned earlier that i just don't feel comfortable in dresses. I don't tell my girls they aren't allowed to wear them-- i just make sure they are fitted appropriately and cover everything!

I Went one night to sing Karaoke. I had TWO drinks. I couldn't stand on my own. I couldn't drive home. When i picked up my kids i felt in adequate. TWO DRINKS. It had been such a very long time since i had consumed alcohol, it knocked me on my tail. Do i want to build up a tolerance to this stuff? Do i want "to drink often enough that i get used to it"? NO! If it was meant to be in my body it would not make me feel ill afterwards! It wouldn't impair me so. It would not make me incapable of fulfilling the job God gave me to do on this earth--care for my children.

I chose in this season of my life to be consumed with the lives of my children. Sometimes in moments most consider private-- I am reading a book to my kids. The more they are near, the more i am sure what is going on in their minds. Joel works a ton to provide for us. So i want my kids to know that WHATEVER i am doing can be put on hold to just soak in time with each other. Clearly there will be times-with four- that there will be a need to prioritize, but in the mean time we will share as much as healthy with them. I threw in that healthy part because there are some that believe it is unhealthy to be as intertwined in my kids lives as i am. This is why i believe that is not the case...

Children develop more in the first five years of life than any other time in their lives. I have four kids all born within a five year window. That means i have to cram 20 years into 5. Are you with me here? I have to be absolutely sure that EACH ONE gets their five years of important life lessons.

The girls got separated from us in the shopping mall last fall. It was terrible. Lexi grabbed Lorelei's hand and said it would be okay because she had read the sign where we were. They found a nice lady that directed them back to "SEARS" where we were. There are more details to this but what mattered most to me is that she told me she knew I would wait for them and that i would come find them. She knew no matter what, that i was going to be there waiting for her. (More life lessons were learned that day but that's a blog for another day)

Circumstances will change in the next few years. The battles we will fight will have different consequences.

Who Christ expects me to be for them won't.

The choices i make to be that women won't.

My children's need for a strong women of God won't.

So, "I-shall-be that I-shall-be"

"Wow, You have your hands full!"

I think almost every time the kids and I are on an adventure (running errands) some one with eyes the size of saucers, surveys my brood and quickly looks away, then with out thinking blurts out "WOW YOU HAVE YOUR HANDS FULL!"

I quietly bite my tongue and smile.

I have four kids. Yes, i will say it again, FOUR KIDS. Does that make me feel any less tired? Does that make me want to send any of them back? Does your comment suddenly change my mind about taking my kids in public?

No, it doesn't. It does remind me of the humility I must teach my children. None of the people stop to think of the questions my children will ask after they walk away. "mommy, is something wrong with having four children?", "No sweetie, it was mommy and daddy's choice-- but it isn't for everyone"

"then why did that man look at us weird?", "Because he was amazed at how many blessings God gave to us!"

I am not a patient person all the time. At the shopping mall with all of my kids i sometimes am the complete opposite. Four kids is A LOT! It is a lot of responsibility. It is a lot of diapers to pack. It is a lot bigger stroller to push.

Understanding that, I would not have decided at any point in my pregnancies it was too much. I never would have decided that God filled my hands too full! If these are the blessing He decided to bestow I will gladly accept.

This is a perfect example of how God gives us mommies teaching moments with our children. Crucial moments to sculpt who they will be in Christ as men and women. He gave them to me to teach them things. HE gave them to me to show them who He is.

So however irritated I get when some random person looks at me like the crazy lady with too many kids, I will gently reassure my blessings that no matter "how full my hands are", God gave me big enough hands to handle it.

I will  Pray that these hands mold them into the people God wants them to be, with grace and patience from the Almighty. His hands created them within me. His hands jump started their precious hearts that will one day love Him beyond measure. His hands will one day help them pick their mates.

IF His hands aren't too full to love every ounce of  every child in the world, Then how dare i ever think my hands are too full for the FOUR precious ones He is sharing with me for the moment?!

                                                                                               
                                                                             Logan finding his hands for the first time
                                                                                                    Feb 2011

"Behold, I have inscribed you on the palm of my hands..." Isaiah 49:16

"like my mother does"

I don't know how many of you watch "American Idol" but we watch it towards the end of the season- we can't bear the auditions.

This year on the finale show Lauren Alaina sang a remake of the song "Like My Mother Does". The lyrics go like this:

"People always say i have a laugh like my mother does, guess that makes sense because she taught me how to smile when things get rough"

My childhood was, well less than picture perfect. My parents split when i was six, but tried unsuccessfully to reconcile for four years and didn't officially put it in writing till i was ten. That meant quite a bit of flip-flopping my my sister and me, however she was older so it ended sooner for her. My mom was clearly devastated about the marriage dissolving, so she grieved. We both attended sessions with grief counselors that taught us various ways to cope, but smiling primary. Smiling thru the tears. Smiling thru the pain. Smiling until it was over.

Hearing my daughters sing along to the song, now on replay on my IPOD, brings a whole new set of emotions to my mind. Fighting an emotion warfare with myself has been my current emotional status. Lexi's tear-filled eyes looking at me saying "how can we go on a new adventure if my adventure buddies are still in Houston?" will haunt me-forever. SO many wise mothers told me it was okay to grieve-- just not in front of the kids- i needed to be positive with them. I needed to smile. Smile thru the tears. Smile thru the pain. Smile until it was over--like my mother did.

Most of you are aware of how miserably i have failed at this. I have openly grieved in front of them, with them, for them. My kids hurt being away from their friends and other families we were close too. They have grieved-- like their mother does.

Another one of my favorite phrases is the song is : "when I am scared, I bow my head and pray, Like my mother does." WOW. Isn't this what i want my kids to remember about me? I remember praying over the first house my mother bought as a newly single woman. I remember praying about moving away from the state where my dad lived to take a job that would better provide for she and I. I remember praying over the boy i was dating that later became my husband. There were many not so pretty moments during that time when it was the two of us against the world, including times when we were on different pages. But on my own, newly married, what i remembered was that when times get rough i can cry out to my Savior.

Yes it is important to smile thru the tears. I am sure that there are many of us who want to be "She is a rock, She is grace" but lets face it, being a mom is a roller coaster of emotions all on its own. When you throw into that mix Marriage, Moving and our emotions just being a woman it throws a twist in it some of us struggle with sometimes.

So most of all i want my kids to remember that although i have the best smile money can buy- courtesy of my mother- it is about praying through EVERYTHING. Praying thru the tears. Praying thru the pain. Praying until it is over.

                                   wearing their new "nana outfits" before our day with nana yesterday

              when i got back from "rough terrain ahead" on my 16th birthday mom had a banner waiting :)

                                                                    all of us Easter 2011
                                           "I hear people saying i'm starting to look like my mother does"