Teach me your ways, OH LORD, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I will fear your name.

Psalm 86:11

I will be your God throughout your lifetime until your hair is white in age. I made you, and I will care for you. I willI will be your God throughout your lifetime until your hair carry you along and save you.

Isaiah 46:4




Blessed is the man whose quiver is full.... Psalm 127:5


Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths.


Proverbs 3:5-6




Saturday, May 24, 2014

No Title Necessary

Change. Definition. Undefined.

I started this blog three years ago to follow our kids as they grew and to document things I never wanted to forget. To keep those near and far posted as they accomplished things and to watch them become the men and women God has planned for them to be.

Today is no different. 

I have been writing this in my head for weeks, unsure if there was a timeline I am supposed to follow or if I am not supposed to say a single thing. There are things I do want you to know.

The four precious blessings we were given to watch over while they are here with us on earth are ok. They are happy and healthy and adapting to a new normal.

Things I know now that I didn't then? I am not quite sure you can fathom nor take them all in over one blog posting. Some of you, as the outside-looking-in may never need to know, but some things I have learned about myself over the last year I will gladly pour out to you.

As a kid I watched my parents approach and re-approach being married. There were variables that ended up making that marriage not work but I watched them try. I watched my parents put career first, I watch my mom do what ever it took to survive sometimes and I watched them both look back with things they might have wanted to change.

My job became my sanctuary. I was unhappy and wanted things to change. Maybe it would be better if I made more money. Maybe if I meet new friends. Maybe if I am successful too. Searching for self worth can be the most damaging endeavor one can ever embark upon. Somewhere in trying to be the best mom I could be, I lost me. I lost being a wife. I lost being a healthy balance.

My friends became the only people I talked to. I needed a vent. Not to vent but just a slow stream of communication... grown up words, conversations relevant to what I was living each day. Somehow I was struggling to find that, and I started looking to fill that void in any activity I could find outside my house. MOPS, Bunco, anything that could take me away...

I found myself on a bottom bunk last July asking where it all went. There I was in the woods of east Texas scraping together conversations that should have flowed freely with gushing  details of my every moment of my favorite week of the year. Stress was at an all time high and it began to crash hard.  Coming home to a busy holiday season at work, tons of festivities at three different schools and 10 days of lone reflection.

We grew up together. But did we? Growing up happened. The together somehow got lost in the shuffle. Dreams of successful careers took shape, kids and life happened. As life changed around us it was pretty clear there were few options and it had to be fast. While our hearts broke, decisions were made. Things came to a close.

Over the last few weeks people have come out of the woodwork, to reach out and find out what happened. Truth is, what happened is ours. That is how it will stay and those are things we will preserve safely.

We love our kids more than life and will continue to grow to be the best parents we know how to be. With respect I ask that you love my children through this, and honor our right to keep what is privately ours just that.