I am

I googled the definition of "I am", I found 15 "web definitions".

Then I googled "I am what I am". I got that it was found in Exodus 3:14, when Moses asked God His name. It went on to say it was the most famous verses in the Torah, and that it can be translated to "existed" in Hebrew. That another interpretation is "I-shall-be that I-shall-be"

I don't wear dresses. They make me feel awkward and vulnerable.

I wear shorts down to my knees if i brave wearing them at all--- I prefer pants. To be honest I would wear a t-shirt and sweat pants everyday.

I don't drink anymore. I can't have enough self control to have just one and the Bible says to not become "drunken". So i don't put myself anywhere i might be tempted.

I typically don't even go to the bathroom by myself because i need to know where my son is at all times-- my house could burn down.

I say all of this to lead me here. I want to leave nothing to question when my children ask how i feel about certain things or why i feel the way i do about certain things.

AS a teen I made decisions that I will carry with me until i meet the Father face-to-face. I will be judged by Him then and be held accountable for those choices. Having children wasn't one of those ill choices, though. It is my job now to share with these children He entrusted in my care my mistakes and the heartbreak they caused me. It is my job to try and prevent similar heartbreak for them.

Skin, no matter how old you are, is a temptation. Tanned skin, smooth skin, light skin, freckled skin.... the list can go on and on. It is all beautiful and attractive to each of us. But it is SACRED. I want my kids -both genders- to understand that the gift of skin that covers ever inch of their bodies was hand picked by the Creator to show only to their spouses. That means conservative swim wear, longer shorts, and leggings under dresses. I mentioned earlier that i just don't feel comfortable in dresses. I don't tell my girls they aren't allowed to wear them-- i just make sure they are fitted appropriately and cover everything!

I Went one night to sing Karaoke. I had TWO drinks. I couldn't stand on my own. I couldn't drive home. When i picked up my kids i felt in adequate. TWO DRINKS. It had been such a very long time since i had consumed alcohol, it knocked me on my tail. Do i want to build up a tolerance to this stuff? Do i want "to drink often enough that i get used to it"? NO! If it was meant to be in my body it would not make me feel ill afterwards! It wouldn't impair me so. It would not make me incapable of fulfilling the job God gave me to do on this earth--care for my children.

I chose in this season of my life to be consumed with the lives of my children. Sometimes in moments most consider private-- I am reading a book to my kids. The more they are near, the more i am sure what is going on in their minds. Joel works a ton to provide for us. So i want my kids to know that WHATEVER i am doing can be put on hold to just soak in time with each other. Clearly there will be times-with four- that there will be a need to prioritize, but in the mean time we will share as much as healthy with them. I threw in that healthy part because there are some that believe it is unhealthy to be as intertwined in my kids lives as i am. This is why i believe that is not the case...

Children develop more in the first five years of life than any other time in their lives. I have four kids all born within a five year window. That means i have to cram 20 years into 5. Are you with me here? I have to be absolutely sure that EACH ONE gets their five years of important life lessons.

The girls got separated from us in the shopping mall last fall. It was terrible. Lexi grabbed Lorelei's hand and said it would be okay because she had read the sign where we were. They found a nice lady that directed them back to "SEARS" where we were. There are more details to this but what mattered most to me is that she told me she knew I would wait for them and that i would come find them. She knew no matter what, that i was going to be there waiting for her. (More life lessons were learned that day but that's a blog for another day)

Circumstances will change in the next few years. The battles we will fight will have different consequences.

Who Christ expects me to be for them won't.

The choices i make to be that women won't.

My children's need for a strong women of God won't.

So, "I-shall-be that I-shall-be"