I struggle with depression. I have always struggled with depression. As a kid i was on various different medicines that essentially just made me numb. As a teen i tried other "solutions" to make myself happy, and as an adult have declared WAR against it. I have either worked 2 jobs to keep myself busy, over committed myself in volunteer work to provide pride to dwell on, or come up with a project for my kids to do that makes me look like i have it all together.
I DON'T have it all together.
I try, i honestly try. But the truth is i spend many hours in prayer about my self confidence. Not feeling good enough is one of my biggest "your worthless struggles." I wondered for a long time what i could have done differently that could have kept my parents together. I know that had nothing to do with the divorce, but cried often because i thought i was awful. so awful that they needed time apart from each other because of me. I have healed from that.
I ask my husband frequently if he still loves me. If he is going to leave me, or if he still wants me. He works loooong hours and sometimes i wonder if that is to be away from me. He has honestly (bless his heart) admitted that at this stage in our lives coming home isn't exactly restful for him. Understanding that too oh so well, i ask him if he wants to escape it, escape us. He always gently reassures me that he married me FOREVER. When we were engaged he used to say "NEVER, EVER, ALWAYS, FOREVER" He will never leave me, Ever! He will always love me, and we will fight for our marriage forever.
I am frequently reminded of where i am when my kids have a bad day. When not one request is obeyed, things are flying over the balcony, one bites another because his hands are being held down out of meanness(big sister watch out he's getting bigger). I feel an over whelming sense of failure. Then at nap time when i am drinking a cup of coffee-my toddler still doesn't sleep well so i drink coffee all day- Satan creeps in and we have a pity party. He and I discuss how much i stink. The lack of effect i have had in my home that day. My children's rotten behavior that reflects on my bad parenting. So on and so on and so on.
Then my sweet Lexi will stumble sleepily down the stairs and say " can we just snuggle before everyone else wakes up? I want you all to myself! You know why? Cause I love you!" I will never know why Lexi was chosen for me, or why she was first, or why she has brown eyes, but i know she is pure, and a perfect gift from my Father.
He chose her to help me win this battle. He chose her to be my fight. If there is ever a reason to not let Satan continually attack me it is these bright eyed, bright futured children He hand picked for me! That doesn't mean there won't be days I struggle on the front lines. It certainly doesn't mean at 6 months post baby that i won't have CRAZY DAYS! Most definitely means that i will have Gods armor on, and will fight along side the ALMIGHTY!
"Oh Happy day, Happy day when You washed my sin away! Oh Happy day, Happy day I'll never be the same! FOREVER I AM CHANGED!"
"Be strong in the Lord and the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil."
Ephesians 6:10
(photo credit to stephanieleighphotography)
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ReplyDeleteYou have the 4 most beautiful children I've ever seen. You are so blessed!
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