Moments

My sister shared beautiful, eloquently spelled out emotions tonight. Raw, candid, and carefully arranged feelings about what once was. Moments that are now memories.

In the midst of a season that is proving to be one of the hardest I have ever lived; I need to beg you to cherish each moment.

I remember my mother's voice shaking on the other end of the line as I sat on the cold, wooden floor unable to move. The pounding feet seemingly synced with my racing heart as I ran down the hall, still echo in my head. Questions I asked, haunt me as being so stupid and unnecessary. My grandmother, who was slowly slipping away from me, stood so confused as I packed my black suit and tried desperately to pack what I thought I might need. An event I had never attended in my life loomed in front of me. "I need to go now, dad". He took my keys and told me I was in no way driving myself to be with my sister. "We aren't losing you today too."

The three hour ride that normally contained music cranked too loud and excitement for the upcoming weekend, seemed to take days.

I am bigger than my sister. I am taller. I am stronger.

My job was to be the strong one. I drove for the next 7 days. I held her hand as my mom walked her through the paper work. I caught her as her knees buckled during 21 of the loudest shots I have ever heard. I wasn't the strong one at all that week.

As she wept, I packed all my emotions into a box and refused to feel. Feelings weren't what she needed from me. She would wake up screaming and I would hold her as she fell back asleep. Popping up in the middle of the night as the safe combination came back to memory, and then screaming out in anger as she couldn't get it to line up. As I would lay there next to her and try to imagine what life would be like; I was so scared for her.

She is the strongest woman I know. In the last 15 years, we have weathered nothing as daunting as death but have been on the edge of our seats clinging to each others hands. Watching Paige graduate. Signing my divorce papers. Burying three grandparents. Swallowing some diagnoses that I just sat numbly and heard as Kate said "you aren't ok. But call me when you are ready". When I tried to zip my wedding dress and it took Katie and my cousin Stephanie, we laughed and laughed.  When I got a job offer, Katie ran the numbers with me but also weighed out the emotional wreckage.

There is an amazing story behind Katie meeting her husband now, Pete. I will leave it to her to tell you, just not today. I gave a fantastic speech at her wedding if I do say so myself and still have my notes tucked into my drawer. We texted for hours last night over the way to design the centerpiece of my new table.

"daddy, go bye bye" is the most gut wrenching phase you can hear a two year old say. A screen door between a toddler and a red truck driving away is pain like no pain you can imagine. Those next six weeks, I saw my sister rise and conquer a whole new way of life. She is incredible. She is strong, She is not always my favorite person because she reads me like a book.

Cherish every moment. Painful moments. Joyful moments. Learning moments. The moments you believe you are at your worst, could be the moments someone sees your strengths. Moments you chalk up to failure could be the most impressive moments to a crowd you never saw. Moments can change out lives. Live your moments with purpose. Love in each moment with all that you are.

Don't tell her I like her please, at least, not today.