Back packs are packed. Lunches prepped. Clothes folded neatly for tomorrow. One last enema delivered. Now i sit watching the clock.
Tuesday morning i received a phone call i have been praying for... "Biopsy is scheduled for Friday morning at 10" WHA WHA WHA WHA WHA WHA (insert Charlie Brown teacher voice here) I didn't hear anything after that. Truthfully i had to call her a back a few hours later when i could refocus, she graciously repeated the details. Grace is her name ironically. She quietly reminded me there would be not anesthesia and that Joel and i would be there to help them restrain and calm him. No particular eating instructions, just "clean out" protocols.
i emailed 4 people,our parents. didn't post anything on facebook. i shared with a few people Tuesday, but now that it was happening i had to really decide how i felt about it.
I asked God for an appointment. I prayed that i would know how to comfort my tiny boy during the procedure; never had i asked God how I was going to get thru the procedure. Satan and I began to wrestle or as southerners say WRASTLE. Guilt crept in and i began to get weary from just contemplating asking God for personal peace. Admittedly i asked Joel to be there because although I will be as strong as Logan needs me to be, i will weep, and that will be a God allowed emotion. Logan needs to know that tears are also a sign of strength.
Tonight I texted a friend that although i wasn't going to post all of my emotions for all to see, i was succumbing to them. The tears were taking over. Joel is at a business dinner, my house is quiet and it was a perfect time for dear old Satan to take advantage of me.... she immediately asked me if we could talk just for a quick second. As she began to pray i felt the tears become slower and slower. They brought more relief as each one fell.
I got in the shower and began to plead with God. In Genesis Abraham pleads with God about Sodom and Gomorrah. You know when he makes the initial plea to God?? When God comes to him in the form of an unknown visitor. Abraham makes haste to welcome Him and feasts with Him. Only after he serves the guest all night does God reveal Himself. The guest then makes clear His plans to give Abraham a child and Sarah who is secretly eavesdropping, scoffs... God asks Abraham why she has laughed and Sarah denies laughing... God calls her out. RIGHT THEN AND THERE. He not only knew the desires of her heart but he spoke plainly about also hearing her words. Then the Almighty tells Abraham of his plans to destroy these cities. Abraham speaks openly about his heart and begs God to allow him to find 50 righteous men. Just 50. God agrees.
Abraham returns and requests to lower the number... Lets try 45... you know how the story goes from here? If not read Genesis 18&19, there is salt involved! Also Lot (go find out who Lot is!)has a son who "fathers" a tribe the Ruth is from, who marries Boaz who turns out are the great- grands of King DAVID! You know, King David who was in direct lineage of Christ!
That all was to say this. Tonight i am pleading with God. This week has been full of spiritual battles, hospital phone calls and medical jargon. And all of that is okay. He wants me to audibly tell Him I am scared. My relational God desires my pleadings, and enjoys the pouring of my heart at His feet. This actually pleases Him. I am supposed to "cry out" to Him. HE not only knows this is how i feel, but HEARS me and calls me out when I am showing little faith. He gave Sarah a baby in her old age though right? Yes He did, even though she laughed at Him and was in absolute disbelief that it could happen. My bible says God told Sarah "is anything to hard for the Lord?"...
God did save some people from those cities. It wasn't the original projected way, nor was it quick and painless. But there was a purpose for each that survived. Nothing that my precious boy has endured these last few months was peachy, and as a mom i would have laughed if you had told me if was purposed. Watching my child go through this has been harder on me emotionally than i can explain, but as i began to plead through a loud sob i ended here.
Sitting on my bed with my hair dripping wet and sweats that are now sopping wet because i had so much i wanted to type i didn't take the time to dry off all the way. Each step was purposed. All i wanted was to yell at Him, to weep in His arms, and He heard me. Then He poured back into me. I feel more ready for tomorrow than i could have ever prepared myself. I don't know if anyone reading this needs it, I imagine that He knows someone who needs it that will cross paths with it at some point. Tonight that person is me, I needed to type it. It needed to cross my lips out loud. He needed to call me out to be transparent that the strength i will have tomorrow is pure GOD.
My work schedule this week was none, i only work tomorrow after the procedure. The entire week i had nothing to focus on but the tiny glimpses of joy that He scatters through my day. The sweet chubby cheeks of a tiny baby, the giggles of delight from my toddler, imaginative stories from my red head, high fives from my new reader, and letters of acceptance from my gifted oldest... warfare in my head was surrounded by constant reassurance. It was already taken care of. I just had to actually tell Him i wanted Him to Hear me, Ask Him to Hold me, Beg Him to fill me back up.
All He wants is all of me. This child I lay awake praying for has an incredible future. Whatever it is has an impact i cannot fathom. But God Knows and it is carefully designed. Cities that are destroyed or procedures that are uncomfortable all have purpose in the Grand Plan.
i covet your prayers as we take our first set of biopsies tomorrow. There will be no pain relief during the procedure, so the sooner it is complete the better. Joel and i are praying for peace and asking for pain relief only the master physician can provide. Thank you in advance and i assure you i will keep you posted.
"Now that i have been so bold as to speak to the Lord, though I am nothing but dust and ashes..." Genesis 18:27
"Is anything to hard for the Lord?..." Genesis 18:14
"My soul weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word" Psalm 119:28
"May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer." Psalm 19:14
God is in control.Mom
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