Teach me your ways, OH LORD, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I will fear your name.

Psalm 86:11

I will be your God throughout your lifetime until your hair is white in age. I made you, and I will care for you. I willI will be your God throughout your lifetime until your hair carry you along and save you.

Isaiah 46:4




Blessed is the man whose quiver is full.... Psalm 127:5


Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths.


Proverbs 3:5-6




Monday, February 18, 2013

fresh canvas

my thoughts are a true mess. feelings that I might not be able to elaborate on. frustration, defeat, confusion. this is my baby and no one has any idea what is wrong. here we go.

I am not a painter. Don't understand how to mix colors or that you can use water color pencils and just brush water over them at the end. Clay is annoying to me because I cant ever get it to be what I want it to be! My friends make these precious plates to celebrate their baby's milestones and mine look awful. Going "back to the drawing board" sounds less than appealing to me.

I was on the phone with Joel's dad this morning and then BEEP BEEP... I looked down and couldn't believe my eyes! It was Dr Rittmeyers office! I clicked over, with my heart pounding almost out of my chest. "Mrs. White? Logan's Mom?" YES YES this is she... "Dr Boswell asked me to tell you that Ganglia cells were found during the biopsy" then, that heart that moments ago was beating out of my chest, sank into the depths of my stomach... So Now what? She asked me to share the regimen we are currently using and asked me how I felt it was working... we talked about previous methods we have used. ... the pediasure... we covered it all. You know, because it was someone who had never held our chart and knew nothing about us. She moved on to tell me she wanted new xrays and to see where we stood now.

My response? "Are we starting over?".... "yes, ma'am. I guess its back to the drawing board."  How after 8 months of meeting with them, is there nothing that indicates what is going on with him??

I can tell you that we are tithing now. I know that is not something I am supposed to boast about but hear me out. We were those people. the ones who expected God to give us His best while we held tightly to ours. Joel volunteered to serve in the nursery. We are more committed to giving God everything than we have ever been. I have been in the word more in the last 8 weeks than I ever have. We are hungry. Satan continues to attack our marriage because we are tired. Somehow we pull closer and push the online giving button instead of killing each other. My emotions are on the fritz. I can't sleep like a normal person because I am convinced there is someone breaking into my house, or that my kids have stopped breathing. The pressure is definitely on. It sure isn't a good time to learn to paint.

When I hung up I couldn't decide if I wanted to cry or run until I couldn't breath. Joel's parents called back and I explained to them what the NP said and we of course talked about the options etc... but my mind was spinning. Then I asked the "how am I giving, and serving and I'm still not getting what I need"? BINGO!!! Its not about me. I have to continue to dig deeper until I see nothing but Him. Deep enough to go to the "land He will show me". That picture seems bleak to me. Is scary even. But who knows... it could be a water color pencil painting that looks like a whole new me once there is a little water added.  Didn't we talk about rain recently?



no Hirshsprungs disease. But he knows what it is, and it is in the land He will show me.

"The Lord said to Abram: 'leave your country, your family, and your relatives and go to the land that I will show you. I will bless you and make your descendants into a great nation. You will become famous and be a blessing to others. I will bless anyone who blesses you, but I will put a curse on anyone who puts a curse on you. Everyone on earth will be blessed by you." Genesis 12:1-7

If you follow that story till the end... the land that God took Abram to?.... It ended up being THE promised land in Exodus.... maybe I should buy new brushes...

New xrays and Appointment for February 25th.

2 comments:

  1. Nickie, I know you are super frustrated, but I am so glad that ganglia are there. Surgery was so scary. Keep hanging on. Watercolor pencils are amazing - the real ones and the spiritual ones too. Mom

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  2. Girl...I've been there in the trenches where you now are. It will get better nd there is an end. I look at it like this...god is the artist, not me. He paints and we are His canvas. When you look at the painting it progress, you can't tell what it is, which way is up, or see its true potential. In fact, when you put your nose right up close to it (while you are knee deep in it) it just looks like a muddy muddled blur and mess. However...when He is finished with His masterpiece and you are far enough to look back at it...you will see the finished product. And when you let Him be the painter, you can expect a masterpiece! Love you and praying for you and for answers soon for Logan. Keep pressing on, hold tight to your hubby, and let our Master complete His masterpiece!

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