my thoughts are a true mess. feelings that I might not be able to elaborate on. frustration, defeat, confusion. this is my baby and no one has any idea what is wrong. here we go.
I am not a painter. Don't understand how to mix colors or that you can use water color pencils and just brush water over them at the end. Clay is annoying to me because I cant ever get it to be what I want it to be! My friends make these precious plates to celebrate their baby's milestones and mine look awful. Going "back to the drawing board" sounds less than appealing to me.
I was on the phone with Joel's dad this morning and then BEEP BEEP... I looked down and couldn't believe my eyes! It was Dr Rittmeyers office! I clicked over, with my heart pounding almost out of my chest. "Mrs. White? Logan's Mom?" YES YES this is she... "Dr Boswell asked me to tell you that Ganglia cells were found during the biopsy" then, that heart that moments ago was beating out of my chest, sank into the depths of my stomach... So Now what? She asked me to share the regimen we are currently using and asked me how I felt it was working... we talked about previous methods we have used. ... the pediasure... we covered it all. You know, because it was someone who had never held our chart and knew nothing about us. She moved on to tell me she wanted new xrays and to see where we stood now.
My response? "Are we starting over?".... "yes, ma'am. I guess its back to the drawing board." How after 8 months of meeting with them, is there nothing that indicates what is going on with him??
I can tell you that we are tithing now. I know that is not something I am supposed to boast about but hear me out. We were those people. the ones who expected God to give us His best while we held tightly to ours. Joel volunteered to serve in the nursery. We are more committed to giving God everything than we have ever been. I have been in the word more in the last 8 weeks than I ever have. We are hungry. Satan continues to attack our marriage because we are tired. Somehow we pull closer and push the online giving button instead of killing each other. My emotions are on the fritz. I can't sleep like a normal person because I am convinced there is someone breaking into my house, or that my kids have stopped breathing. The pressure is definitely on. It sure isn't a good time to learn to paint.
When I hung up I couldn't decide if I wanted to cry or run until I couldn't breath. Joel's parents called back and I explained to them what the NP said and we of course talked about the options etc... but my mind was spinning. Then I asked the "how am I giving, and serving and I'm still not getting what I need"? BINGO!!! Its not about me. I have to continue to dig deeper until I see nothing but Him. Deep enough to go to the "land He will show me". That picture seems bleak to me. Is scary even. But who knows... it could be a water color pencil painting that looks like a whole new me once there is a little water added. Didn't we talk about rain recently?
no Hirshsprungs disease. But he knows what it is, and it is in the land He will show me.
"The Lord said to Abram: 'leave your country, your family, and your relatives and go to the land that I will show you. I will bless you and make your descendants into a great nation. You will become famous and be a blessing to others. I will bless anyone who blesses you, but I will put a curse on anyone who puts a curse on you. Everyone on earth will be blessed by you." Genesis 12:1-7
If you follow that story till the end... the land that God took Abram to?.... It ended up being THE promised land in Exodus.... maybe I should buy new brushes...
New xrays and Appointment for February 25th.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Monday, February 11, 2013
Puddles
When I was a teen I remember wanting to play volleyball so badly. I played on a club level, and for my private school, but I wasn't good enough to play on the school team when we moved to a big city. It was devastating to me. My youth pastor at the time told me it wasn't my decision. If I really wanted to be all that God wanted me to be, I had to be open to His plan. Wasn't it God's plan for me to play ball?? My mom and I put my ball on the alter. I told God that I wanted to play. I pleaded to grow taller, have stronger arms and to be gifted with more "natural talent". Although I gave it to God, ball and all, I didn't play ball. That wasn't His plan.
To be honest He gave me a talent that I do not share the way that I think I was intended too. My talent stays locked in side my chest most days that I am not belting it out in the car. the timing in my head doesn't quite work right, so I just don't. No real reason. I Just don't because it doesn't work for me right now.
Moving to Savannah was one of the most heartbreaking times in my life. Prayer doesn't quite define what I did with God at that time. I yelled and wept and screamed at Him more than anything. How in the world could this be what He had for me?? Why would he throw me into this storm? I peered through a window where I saw only rain. NO LIGHT.
I used my talent at "home". I led kids worship, I was on the praise team, I participated in two different planning committees, kids camp, VBS MC....I served Him to my ultimate ability... hours a week. I poured hours into what I was sure God wanted me to be doing. When we got here Joel asked me to just sit next to him in the service, to be his wife for a little while and be part of the crowd. What?! he moved me away from everything God had for me and wanted to me to avoid getting involved here?! As morning sickness set in and I was more aware of the pregnancy symptoms, I really wasn't up to much anyway. So it all worked out. This baby that was supposed to be "prevented" by the medicine I was taking, was meant to be. In more ways than I could imagine. God had plans for me that I couldn't have even dreamt up. The eye of the storm is safe... HE was getting ready to bring the rain.
What if your blessings come through these rain drops? Excuse me?? Clearly you have no idea how broken I am . Living here has done things to my marriage that I never would have believed, I have met people that have pushed me outside of my comfort zone for the good that I would not have chosen, My baby is sick and that has forced me to be more reliant on Christ than I have ever been. I wouldn't have chosen this place, I wouldn't have chosen these circumstances, I hate rain. Umbrellas are however a cute accessory.
As i drove home from dinner tonight watching my windshield wipers "swish" off the rain from my car, my ipod became hijacked if you will. Either it was Gods way of refocusing me or HE really enjoys songs about rain. Seriously from Carrie Underwood's song about a tornado to "Cornerstone" to Bring on the rain by Jo Dee Messina, and even Beiber's "yellow raincoat"....
I have been so busy looking for the rainbow that I have completely missed how beautiful the rain is.
I was sharing a little about our journey with another soccer mom and she asked how we were doing... I said I really was okay and that... she interjected that I had learned a lot about my self. She has a baby that had heart surgery shortly after birth. As we talked about what God had done to us as individuals thru the journeys we are on with our children, it was unreal. I cant tell you that I enjoy it yet. Nor can I tell you that I have believed from the beginning it would all be okay.
The last few months I have spent more time in the word than I have in a long time. I am more thirsty than I remember being ever in my lifetime. I have also finally come to a place that I am ready to again put it all on the alter and walk away. Sleepless nights may continue to haunt me but it isn't mine anymore. I think about the three day hike Abraham took before he went to sacrifice the one son God had given him. The fear he must have had, thoughts about how he was going to tell Sarah her sweet boy was now with the Lord, How could he be the father of nations with no heir.... Abraham had a peace that God was in control. Lukes favorite part of the story is "stop! Stop! Dee angel said STOP! DARE IS A SHEEP IN DEE WOODS!" The plan was in motion even when there was not a clear understanding of what it was.
I can't do this. I can't. I have struggled with it for almost seven days. Emotions have been so raw that each day has been miserable. The beginning of the day is equivalent to a category 5 hurricane, girls fighting-me trying to blow a whistle-boys literally throwing things into the middle of it all- ending in tears and hind-end chewing all around.
I know satan is having a field day in my mind. While I feel God clinging tighter and tighter on my heart. Standing here in the rain with the one who created each drop isn't so bad. In fact who needs an umbrella? just open up and drink it in!
With rain soaked clothes and frizzy hair I ask you to pray with me over the doctors hands that will be preforming Logans surgical biopsy on Friday morning. They will sedate him and use a scope to secure a sample from exact location of the tissue that would determine if the correct cells are present. Twenty minutes is the estimated time it will take and he will be "under" approximately an hour and a half. I know God will guide the Drs hands and I have faith that whatever happens, HE is on the other side of all of this. The only thing that concerns me is the what is. Those I have to give to God daily. Carrying the "back to the drawing board" in my head is going to eat me alive. I have to quit borrowing trouble that isn't mine. I need the calm. "in every high and stormy gale, my anchor holds within the veil. He is Lord, Lord of ALL."
"He made the storm be still, and the waves of the sea were hushed" Psalms 107:29
"The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; He knows those who take refuge in Him" Nahum 1:7
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12:29
"We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise"{blessings--laura story}
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain {bring the rain--mercyme}
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm{praise you in this storm-- casting crowns}
To be honest He gave me a talent that I do not share the way that I think I was intended too. My talent stays locked in side my chest most days that I am not belting it out in the car. the timing in my head doesn't quite work right, so I just don't. No real reason. I Just don't because it doesn't work for me right now.
Moving to Savannah was one of the most heartbreaking times in my life. Prayer doesn't quite define what I did with God at that time. I yelled and wept and screamed at Him more than anything. How in the world could this be what He had for me?? Why would he throw me into this storm? I peered through a window where I saw only rain. NO LIGHT.
I used my talent at "home". I led kids worship, I was on the praise team, I participated in two different planning committees, kids camp, VBS MC....I served Him to my ultimate ability... hours a week. I poured hours into what I was sure God wanted me to be doing. When we got here Joel asked me to just sit next to him in the service, to be his wife for a little while and be part of the crowd. What?! he moved me away from everything God had for me and wanted to me to avoid getting involved here?! As morning sickness set in and I was more aware of the pregnancy symptoms, I really wasn't up to much anyway. So it all worked out. This baby that was supposed to be "prevented" by the medicine I was taking, was meant to be. In more ways than I could imagine. God had plans for me that I couldn't have even dreamt up. The eye of the storm is safe... HE was getting ready to bring the rain.
What if your blessings come through these rain drops? Excuse me?? Clearly you have no idea how broken I am . Living here has done things to my marriage that I never would have believed, I have met people that have pushed me outside of my comfort zone for the good that I would not have chosen, My baby is sick and that has forced me to be more reliant on Christ than I have ever been. I wouldn't have chosen this place, I wouldn't have chosen these circumstances, I hate rain. Umbrellas are however a cute accessory.
As i drove home from dinner tonight watching my windshield wipers "swish" off the rain from my car, my ipod became hijacked if you will. Either it was Gods way of refocusing me or HE really enjoys songs about rain. Seriously from Carrie Underwood's song about a tornado to "Cornerstone" to Bring on the rain by Jo Dee Messina, and even Beiber's "yellow raincoat"....
I have been so busy looking for the rainbow that I have completely missed how beautiful the rain is.
I was sharing a little about our journey with another soccer mom and she asked how we were doing... I said I really was okay and that... she interjected that I had learned a lot about my self. She has a baby that had heart surgery shortly after birth. As we talked about what God had done to us as individuals thru the journeys we are on with our children, it was unreal. I cant tell you that I enjoy it yet. Nor can I tell you that I have believed from the beginning it would all be okay.
The last few months I have spent more time in the word than I have in a long time. I am more thirsty than I remember being ever in my lifetime. I have also finally come to a place that I am ready to again put it all on the alter and walk away. Sleepless nights may continue to haunt me but it isn't mine anymore. I think about the three day hike Abraham took before he went to sacrifice the one son God had given him. The fear he must have had, thoughts about how he was going to tell Sarah her sweet boy was now with the Lord, How could he be the father of nations with no heir.... Abraham had a peace that God was in control. Lukes favorite part of the story is "stop! Stop! Dee angel said STOP! DARE IS A SHEEP IN DEE WOODS!" The plan was in motion even when there was not a clear understanding of what it was.
I can't do this. I can't. I have struggled with it for almost seven days. Emotions have been so raw that each day has been miserable. The beginning of the day is equivalent to a category 5 hurricane, girls fighting-me trying to blow a whistle-boys literally throwing things into the middle of it all- ending in tears and hind-end chewing all around.
I know satan is having a field day in my mind. While I feel God clinging tighter and tighter on my heart. Standing here in the rain with the one who created each drop isn't so bad. In fact who needs an umbrella? just open up and drink it in!
With rain soaked clothes and frizzy hair I ask you to pray with me over the doctors hands that will be preforming Logans surgical biopsy on Friday morning. They will sedate him and use a scope to secure a sample from exact location of the tissue that would determine if the correct cells are present. Twenty minutes is the estimated time it will take and he will be "under" approximately an hour and a half. I know God will guide the Drs hands and I have faith that whatever happens, HE is on the other side of all of this. The only thing that concerns me is the what is. Those I have to give to God daily. Carrying the "back to the drawing board" in my head is going to eat me alive. I have to quit borrowing trouble that isn't mine. I need the calm. "in every high and stormy gale, my anchor holds within the veil. He is Lord, Lord of ALL."
"He made the storm be still, and the waves of the sea were hushed" Psalms 107:29
"The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; He knows those who take refuge in Him" Nahum 1:7
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12:29
"We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise"{blessings--laura story}
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain {bring the rain--mercyme}
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm{praise you in this storm-- casting crowns}
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