i clearly have issues but now is the time to sort thru them, ask God to walk with me thru them and to lead me out of this hole i sit so comfortably in these days. I am on the medicine that is supposed to "help" and haven't given it a fair chance yet so we will still see how that pans out. I still can't seem to figure out why being here makes me happy.
Well lets sort thru a few of the obvious.
Comfort Zone: Clearly these people know me as i am. lol and they tell me they love me as is-- haha not sure why but they stand firm in this decision. In Austin and in Houston there are people that have loved me through the roughest of times in my life leading to this one, and still remain steadfast my support system. I long for them now. Being able to have a quick last minute lunch with a friend or plan an impromptu dinner with the whole clan fills me to my brim. Hearing the constant words of encouragement and feeling like "all hands are on deck" helping me with my kids. It makes me feel wanted and normal.
Easy: Moving is never easy. Moving as an adult is a whole new ball game. As a child you are thrown into a school, whether you like it or not, and have to form relationships just because of who has the locker under you. Adults who work can sometimes fall into this category simply because you have to acknowledge the person that shares your cubical or "borrows" pens and never returns them. A stay at home mom however, misses all of these opportunities. There are great organizations that you can be a part of, don't get me wrong, but making a deep connection with someone while toddlers talk over you is far from easy. These-my insiders- are established, solid friendships-- that started in early parenting stages or even before... when i was a person first and a mommy only in my dreams.
Alone: i struggle not being able to be with people that lift me up daily. I need the words of affirmation from my fellow women. I quickly said tonight that "i have four children it takes a lot to get on my nerves.... well unless you are one of those children-- it only takes them 4 seconds" I need to be reassured that this is an OK feeling. I have been away from my kids for a week and no lie on the way home from picking them up they drove me BONKERS! I crave the candid responses from those walking in my shoes. I am in mops-- it helps-- but i want my people back. I know it is terribly selfish of me.
I also understand that the outlook i give for others to follow Gods plan is not good. I believe that God wanted us in Savannah for this season. I believe that i have a great deal of self discovery to do on this journey. I also believe that career wise for Joel this move was a must. But i do not believe that "cutting ties" and building a new foundation is for me. I am all for making new friends and starting new relationships, but what sustains me is the encouragement i get from the people that i don't have to spell it out too. The folks that know from just my silence in a car ride that something isn't right.
I had the pleasure of spending a week at camp this week with an amazing crew of staff, councilors, and campers. There are a good many of us that return year after year to enjoy the amazing kids, hungry for Christ, and i love getting to see each of them. they openly spoke about a noticeable change in me. Where in the darkness did i lose who i have been? I typically come away from this week in an indescribable place. this week i did a lot of reflection, and spent a good bit of time in prayer. watching the girls interact with pals- that end up being lifelong friends remind me that it is OK to be lonely for my friends. it is OK to cry out to my Father for help. He wants me to ask him what is next and how to claw my way out of my hole. He wants me to be confident in who has made me to be and the purpose he has given me.
These are all things i know and have known since i was little. But believing in yourself isn't something that is taught--no matter what the infomercials say. It is something you can feel, and slowly embrace. The greatest thing is knowing that even in the darkness tonight while i sit all alone, He is here. Stroking my hair, choosing my thoughts, guarding my heart...embracing me.
Song of Soloman 8:3 "His left arm is under my head and His right arm embraces me"
Psalm 16:11 "You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand."
completing the ropes course was amazing. it encouraged me as much as it encouraged the young girls that did it with me. Remembering to praise Him for the small joys.
I've been there - the moving part at least. It's extremely hard. I didn't think I'd ever adjust to Austin. I wasn't a stay at home mom, but I was the boss, so making friendships at work was off limits. Plus, my staff didn't appreciate me much, nor honestly, I them. In my experience it takes a year to start to feel comfortable in a long distance move. With the Austin move it took much longer. Even with a child involved in sports etc. giving us plenty of opportunity to meet other parents, we had difficulty making friends. I loved the church I was attending in LV. I never did find one here. I spent many Sundays visiting churches, but never really found what I was looking for. But, we survived it - finally adjusted and even feel at home here. I guess what I'm trying to say is - give it time. Give yourself time - keep trying to get acquainted and involved. It'll happen. Keep reaching out to those trusted friends and family, but not so much that you don't allow yourself to find new friends and relationships. Keep praying and trusting - and most of all, listening.
ReplyDeleteby the way, it's not 9:24Pm - don't know what time zone this is in! It's 11:24 - time to go to bed!
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