Teach me your ways, OH LORD, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I will fear your name.

Psalm 86:11

I will be your God throughout your lifetime until your hair is white in age. I made you, and I will care for you. I willI will be your God throughout your lifetime until your hair carry you along and save you.

Isaiah 46:4




Blessed is the man whose quiver is full.... Psalm 127:5


Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6




Friday, May 13, 2011

Hanging on each moment

I'm NOT shy. My mom says i came here outgoing. That being said I have been open about my feeling about enrolling Lexi, and watching my kids grow so quickly.

Today its weighing on my heart. I was up most of the night with the two boys, which could be a valid explanation of my weird emotions, but as I rocked Logan my heart constantly ached; aware i won't get to rock him forever. I am 25 and DONE. Really? No more babies?

I know for the monetary reasons four kids as close together as mine are it would be irresponsible to keep going. I would have one a year if my husband would let me... but now that i physically can't anymore these feelings are harder to deal with. Knowing that my heart has more love to give, makes it harder to know there won't be anymore. Please know i am 200% grateful for my blessings. I understand there are people that can't have them, or that have lost them. The struggle is just that I am not quite sure i was really ready to close this chapter. Joel and I made the decision for our children that we would make sure we didn't have any more. FOUR KIDS IN COLLEGE FOLKS!

Maybe the emotions are related to my body realigning. Maybe the emotions are from pure exhaustion ( I live there these days). Maybe they could even stem from other inner battles with depression. Either way I am struggling with them today. I know Satan uses these moments to creep in and clobber me and know that I am armed with my "sword" and fighting back.

The two snoring boys in this room offer comfort in knowing there are 2 out of 4 that still completely rely on this mommy. The girls may think they don't need me all the time, but I am going to still pretend they do!

Psalms 127:5 "Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them...."
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3 comments:

  1. RyanMay 13, 2011 at 1:40 PM

    I love you, Sister! Enjoy the moments, do not long for what you do not have. Even though you may be done having (giving birth to) children, you don't know what God has planned for you and your family in the future. xo

    ReplyDelete
  2. RoseMay 13, 2011 at 1:42 PM

    It's these moments when you remember how big our God is. And just think of it this way, we still need our Father, every day. Your babies will continue to need you to nurture them in His word!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Rachel MedlinMay 16, 2011 at 7:59 AM

    ly and i know how it feels to have an empty womb- just remember you have a full house :)

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